November 27, 1998
This Thursday in the United States, most of us are celebrating the holiday of Thanksgiving. This holiday has a long and proud history, beginning with the pilgrim Puritans who came to this country in the seventeenth century seeking to escape religious persecution. The first Thanksgiving was really a fall harvest festival. Wait a minute. Weren’t fall harvest festivals traditionally celebrated by pagans? And didn’t the Puritans break away from the Catholic church because of, among other things, what they believed was too much of an emphasis on pseudo-pagan festivals and rituals? All right, maybe the first Thanksgiving is, like Pocahontas’s rescue of John Smith, Paul Revere’s ride, and the prosperity of the 1980’s a convenient historical myth. Or maybe even the Puritans needed to cut loose once in a while. Either way, Thanksgiving was not officially a holiday until 1940, although it was first suggested as a holiday by President Lincoln. Because Linoln seemed to be open to new holidays, his office was soon inundated with suggestions from all over the country, which led to his unfortunate last words: "We need a new holiday like I need a hole in the head."
On a more sincere note, I hope everyone has had a wonderful Thanksgiving, including those of you in Canada who celebrated your version of this holiday more than a month ago. For the rest of you, well, take a long weekend. Heck, even the Puritans took a break once in a while. You’ve probably earned it, and that’s something you can be thankful for.
Enjoy this week’s offerings.
With the Christmas season fast approaching, please look into your heart to help those in need.
Hundreds of National Basketball Association basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven figure salary level (Atrocious!). And as if that weren’t bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks, possibly a whole year, as a result of the current lock-out situation. But now, you can help! For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that’s less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem, as it barely covers the yearly league minimum, …but it’s a start!
Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than two months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, $700 will almost replace his daily salary.
Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari or enjoy a weekend in Rio.
HOW WILL I KNOW I’M HELPING?
Each month you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stock, bonds, 401(k), real estate and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You’ll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned – for a signed photo, please include an additional $50) to put on your refrigerator as a reminder of other peoples’ suffering.
HOW WILL HE KNOW I’M HELPING
Your basketball player will be told that he has a "Special Friend" who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won’t know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.
YES, I WANT TO HELP!
I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below:
[ ] Starter
[ ] Reserve
[ ] Star (Higher cost)
[ ] Superstar (Much higher cost)
[ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team.)
[ ] I’ll sponsor a player most in need, please pick one for me.
Please charge the account listed below$694.50 per day for a reserve player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel.
Telephone Number: ________________________
[ ] Mastercard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express
[ ] Discover
Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-900-TOO-MUCH to enroll by phone.
Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to: telephone calls, letters, e-mail or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Contributions are not tax-deductible.
An instructor was sitting in his office one afternoon when an attractive, sexy-looking lady knocked on his door.
Yes?, he replied, how may I help you? The lady said "I need to talk to you about my grade in your class."
"Come in and have a seat," said the instructor.
"Is there anything I can do to get an ‘A’ in your class?"
"What do you mean by *anything*?" he asked.
She said "Anything!"
"Anything??" he asked.
She said, in her best sultry voice "I mean ANYTHING."
The instructor got up from behind his desk, sat down beside her and whispered in her ear, "Would you study?"