The Vault

It’s not the end of the world…

January 31, 1997

So I get home late and decide I’ll be chivalric and make dinner. There was a time when I used to consider myself something of a cook, and even now I like to imagine I’m one of those chefs with their own show that make a complete meal in half an hour–minus the three hours their assistants spend baking that twenty-pound roast, chopping all the ingredients, and pretty much preparing everything that can’t be done in thirty seconds or less. Spaghetti was on the menu–simple enough. A trained chimp can make spaghetti, and I should have gotten one rather than trying to do it myself. I was in such a hurry that I kept missing steps along the way, and for every step I missed, I had to add another pot to the stove. At one point, I had seven pots on the stove at once. Two not on burners, three on burners with various spaghetti parts in them, and one full of boiling water. The pot with boiling water had another pot in it with burned-on meat that I was trying to soften up before I went at it with the steel wool. A note to all you guys out there: cooking something on "High" will not make it cook faster. Even if you’re one of those guys who believes there are varying degrees of well-done, you have to admit that "charcoal" is not one of them. Finally, after narrowing my number of pots down to just two (one for sauce and one for what had been spaghetti before it over-boiled into mush) I managed to serve up a complete, tasty meal. The best part is I did it in less than half an hour–minus the three hours it took me to decide to order pizza.


When the end of the world arrives, how will the media report it?

USA Today:
WE’RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal:
DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer:
O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy:
GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal:
APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria’s Secret Catalog:
OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated:
GAME OVER

Wired:
THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone:
THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest:
‘BYE

Discover Magazine:
HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT
AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide:
DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady’s Home Journal:
LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW
"ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

America Online:
SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine:
TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft’s Web Site:
IF YOU DIDN’T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE,
DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

Sun:
ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!

%d bloggers like this: