The Weekly Essay

It’s Another Story.

Friday, Friday, Friday!

December 1, 1995

Hello, and welcome to a glorious Friday. Since I won’t be here tomorrow to send this out, let me remind you that December 2nd is the date that, one-hundred and eighty-one years ago, one of our fellow Freethinkers passed away. Although the Marquis de Sade is not a name some of you will necessarily wish to be associated with, I hope we can all do to remember him in our own unique ways, especially since what follows has absolutely nothing to do with him.

In a Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetry where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave nothing to hope for.

In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is a big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

You’re Going to Hell

October 30, 1995

Here’s a little something I just happened to wander across in my aimless and strange meanderings. Funny, I can honestly say I haven’t done quite a few of these, but I guess one is enough to get you.

Why people are going to hell

Below is a little list I compiled a while back while arguing with a fundamentalist. He tried to make the case that the Bible condemned homosexuality and therefore, blah blah blah, I was going to hell.

This got me wondering…HOW MANY people are going to hell, anyhow? And for what? This curiosity led to the compilation of this list of exactly WHY people are going to hell.

This is not a definitive list, by any means. This is just all I could find in one afternoon.


…eat fruit from a tree less than five years old. [Lev. 19:23]
…cross-breed animals. [Lev. 19:19]
…grow two different plants in your garden. [Lev. 19:19]
…wear a cotton-polyester blend T-Shirt. [Lev. 19:19]
…read your horoscope. [Lev. 19:26]
…consult a psychic. [Lev. 19:31]
…cut your hair. [Lev. 19:27]
…trim your beard. [Lev. 19:27]
…are tatooed. [Lev. 19:28]
…plant crops for more than seven years. [Lev. 25:4, Ex. 23:10-13]
…bear a grudge. [Lev. 19:17]
…collect interest on a loan. [Ex. 22:24]
…insult a leader. [Ex. 22:27]
…mistreat a foreigner. [Ex. 22:21, 23:9]
…spread false rumors. [Ex. 23:1] (Sorry, Pat Robertson!)
…drive a Mercury. [Ex. 23:13] (Look it up.)

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