Pop Quiz

So I had this idea for a quiz: match the real-life serial killers with the films that their crimes inspired. I started with Psycho, Silence Of The Lambs, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but when the answers came up Ed Gein, Ed Gein, Ed Gein, I knew it was either a terrible idea for a quiz or a brilliant idea for the world’s most morbid slot machine, but that’s another story.

Instead here’s a quiz that should be ridiculously easy if you’re of a certain age or really into cryptozoology, or of a certain age and also really into cryptozoology, two things which just might go hand in hand.

Pop Quiz: Musical Group, Performer, or Cryptozoological Creature?

1. Kajagoogoo
2. Oingo Boingo
3. Ogopogo
4. Bjork
5. Morag
6. Nahuelito
7. Nickelback
8. Inkanyabma
9. Chupacabra
10. Aswang
11. Chumbawamba
12. Rutles
13. Bunyip
14. Pomplamoose
15. Elwedritsche
16. Loup Garou
17. Hoobastank
18. Radiohead
19. Melonheads
20. Jackalope
21. Pixies
22. Mothman
23. Mongolian Death Worm
24. Molly Hatchet
25. Monkees

Pop Quiz: Match the animals to their collective noun.

Animals

1. Butterflies
2. Cats
3. Crocodiles
4. Ferrets
5. Hyenas
6. Larks
7. Gorillas
8. Eels
9. Flamingoes
10. Dolphins
11. Owls
12. Trout
13. Zebras
14. Snails
15. Quail
16. Crows
17. Monkeys
18. Jellyfish
19. Hedgehogs
20. Prostitutes

Nouns

k. Kaleidoscope

s. Clowder

h. Bask

d. Busyness

f. Cackle

e. Exultation

g. Band

c. Bed

m. Flamboyance

n. Pod

a. Parliament

l. Hover

i. Dazzle

j. Escargatoire

o. Covey

r. Murder

q. Barrel

p. Fluther

b. Array

t. Anthology of pros.

Answer Key:

There’s a story that Salman Rushdie was once asked by some friends what Hamlet would have been called if it were a Robert Ludlum novel. Rushdie immediately came up with The Elsinore Vacillation. He then turned Macbeth into The Dunsinane Reforestation, The Merchant of Venice into The Rialto Sanction and Othello became The Kerchief Implication.

That inspired this less than erudite pop quiz: Robert Ludlum novel or episode of The Big Bang Theory?

1. The Barbarian Sublimation
2. The Hades Factor
3. The Holcroft Covenant
4. The Luminous Fish Effect
5. The Shiksa Indeterminacy
6. The Matarese Circle
7. The Tangerine Factor
8. The Sigma Protocol
9. The Lazarus Vendetta
10. The Griffin Equivalency
11. The Financial Permeability
12. The Arctic Event
13. The Van Allen Belts
14. The Dumpling Paradox
15. The White Asparagus Triangulation
16. The Scorpio Illusion
17. The Icarus Agenda
18. The Codpiece Topology
19. The Killer Robot Instability
20. The Cornhusker Vortex
21. The Aquitaine Progression
22. The Bus Pants Utilization
23. The Thespian Catalyst
24. The Apocalypse Watch
25. The Pirate Solution

Scoring:

23-25: You used to use your tablet for reading. Now you mostly use it for watching TV.

20-23: You’ve watched all the Jason Bourne movies.

15-20: You plan to spend your summer vacation reading but mostly just watch TV.

10-15: And so the bartender tells Shakespeare, “You can’t come in here. You’re bard!”

5-10: Hello fellow English major.

1-5: So you got the Shakespeare jokes but are wondering about this “Big Bang Theory” and who this Ludlum guy is.

Match The Instrument To The Emotion It Best Expresses.

1. World’s Smallest Violin
2. World’s Smallest Tuba
3. World’s Smallest Piano
4. World’s Smallest Trumpet
5. World’s Smallest Picolo
6. World’s Smallest Viola
7. World’s Smallest Drum
8. World’s Smallest Triangle
9. World’s Smallest Theremin

1. Mock Jazziness
2. Mock Heart Of Rock’n’Roll according to Huey Lewis
3. Mock anti-climactic emphasis to a stirring opus
4. Mock Jocularity
5. Pretty much the same as a regular size one
6. Mock Sympathy
7. Mock Complex Range of Emotions
8. Mocks Those Made-For-TV Movies Like Mega Shark Versus Crocosaurus and Sharknado that are supposed to be hilariously over-the-top ironic but end up just being stupid
9. Mocks Your Mock Sympathy

Scoring is of course completely arbitrary and meaningless and any wrong answers will be severely punished.

Because love is in the air and because I really love doing these things it’s time for another pop quiz. But first a quick word about romance novels: I found many of the titles on the Romance Writers Of America website, an organization that promotes and supports local libraries everywhere, and that is no joke. And neither are the titles.

Now without further ado, since it’s all much ado about nothing anyway, here’s your pop quiz. Winners will have the satisfaction of knowing they spend too much time on the internet.

Romance Novel or Clickbait Headline?

1. What She Looks Like Now Is Crazy
2. Never Say Goodbye
3. The Trouble with Dukes
4. She Had No Idea Why The Crowd Was Cheering
5. Falling for the Highlander
6. Seven Minutes in Heaven
7. If She Only Knew
8. Forgive My Fins
9. What Could Possibly Happen?
10. One Night with the Billionaire
11. This Girl Didn’t Know What’s Inside Her
12. Lady Luck’s Map of Vegas
13. Think This Is Normal?
14. This Will Shock You
15. How to Bake a Perfect Life
16. She Created A Life Hack
17. Barefoot and Pregnant?
18. Things You Should Never Apologize For
19. The Daddy Makeover
20. These Workers Just Want Money
21. A Hunger Like No Other
22. Great One-Liners
23. What Happened Next Changed Everything
24. The Danger of Desire
25. The Castle in the Forest

Source: http://www.whichwitchgame.com/

It’s that time of year and also time for another quiz. Halloween is the season of monsters and death and ghosts and skeletons and demons and scary clowns and also the only time I can get the Monster Cereals, all of which makes it my favorite holiday. The candy is just, er, the icing on the cake. And the cake filled with blood and entrails and releases bats and ravens and tarantulas and hideous creatures from another planet when you cut into it, but that’s another story.

For this particular quiz I reached into the darkest, deepest, most horrifying recesses of my subconscious–in other words to my childhood.

Pop Quiz: Horror Film Or Children’s Game?

1. Candyman
2. Sorry!
3. Re-Animator
4. Doctor Giggles
5. Last House On The Left
6. Monopoly
7. Human Centipede
8. Kick The Can
9. Snakes And Ladders
10. Pitch Black
11. Cabin In The Woods
12. Basket Case
13. Frosted Flakes
14. Rock-Paper-Scissors
15. Hungry Hungry Hippos
16. The Stuff
17. The Pit & The Pendulum
18. Uncle Wiggily
19. Risk
20. Blind Man’s Buff
21. Simon Says
22. Mumblety Peg
23. The Hills Have Eyes
24. Stephen King’s IT
25. Life

It’s been much too long since I did a pop quiz. It’s state fair time, at least in the northern hemisphere where we’re moving into fall and the inevitable grim reaping of winter.

So here’s the latest pop quiz: amusement park ride or cocktail?

Because cocktails have a long history and are more diverse and weirdly named than Seattle bands I’ve tried to limit that list to the classics by pulling them from the 1922 Cocktails & How To Mix Them, and the list of amusement park rides is pulled from Wikipedia. What I’m getting at here is I didn’t make any of these up even though just about any name I could make up has probably already been the name of either a cocktail or amusement park ride somewhere. In fact I used to hang out in a bar that served a drink called Alien Secretion, which I’m pretty sure was developed by a bartender who read too much Burroughs, but that’s another story. And also I’ve given you easy links which means you could easily cheat on this quiz, but why would you?

Enough of my yakkin’. The topic of this quiz, since you’ve forgotten it by now, is, Amusement park ride or cocktail?

1. Highball
2. Singapore Sling
3. Alpine slide
4. Depth bomb
5. Cliffhanger
6. Rum punch
7. Devil’s wheel
8. Stinger
9. Double Shot
10. Silver Streak
11. Gravitron
12. Bosom caresser
13. Reverse peristalsis
14. Hayride
15. Motion simulator
16. Bloody Mary
17. Power Surge
18. Shoot the Chute
19. Monkey’s Gland
20. Topple Tower

I have a lot to say about recent events but I’m not ready to speak about them just yet. That led me to wonder if I should simply stay silent. John Oliver’s preface to his show the other night made me think about that. In the wake of tragedy it may seem petty, even insulting, to try and make people laugh, but then I thought that without laughter we have no way of coping with tragedy. So, please, enjoy my stupid blog.

Deleted Scenes That Completely Changed Famous Movies—Summer Blockbuster Edition

1. “Welcome to my island resort! As you can see I’ve spared no expense providing every possible luxury. I hope to make it as big a success as possible. My accountant can’t see the sense in bringing some scientists here instead of trying to attract wealthier people, but I thought you lot and my grandchildren could help make the case that it’s open to everyone. Seriously, I need as many people as I can get. Lost billions on a major biotech project that looked promising but it turns out it’s just impossible to clone dinosaurs.”

2. “Hi, this is Dean Hoover at Faber College. I understand you and your colleagues have just lost your jobs at NYU. We’re starting up a parapsychology program of our own and we’re desperate for faculty. Would you be interested in coming to work for us, Doctor Venkman?”

3. “Thanks for giving me my dad’s old stuff. I know you’d like me to come with you but I really need to stay here and deal with the death of my aunt and uncle. They’re the only family I ever knew and I can’t just go off and leave the farm and everything else they worked so hard to build. Good luck on your mission Ben, um, I mean Obi-Wan Kenobi.”

4. “I’m sorry, they’ve decided they’re not going to fund the expedition after all.”

“Did they say why, Marcus?”

“Well, you know how these government bureaucrats are. There’s a chance of a war in Europe and they seem to think the money would be better spent on arms rather than going after a long lost cultural artifact.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. I just hope if the Nazis do find the Ark of the Covenant they don’t melt it down for gold.”

“By the way, Indy, is your father still doing Holy Grail research?

5. “Stay here and work on the farm. The seas are so dangerous right now. I have enough money put aside that we can marry now rather waiting. Won’t you please, Wesley?”

“As you wish.”

6. B-[EXT. REDWOOD FOREST. NIGHT.]

The alien spaceship, like a large onion or the top of a minaret, stands, in a clearing. A dozen or so short squat creatures amble around it. The hoot of an owl momentarily spooks them. Their hearts glow. They separate and explore the woods. One moves away from the group. Long alien fingers carefully pluck a sapling from the ground.

Suddenly trucks drive up nearby. Men in heavy boots wielding flashlights get out. They run into the woods, their lights slicing the darkness. They spread out. One of the aliens appears to be cut off. It runs through the forest emitting a piercing scream. The men cluster, following it. The alien backs up to a massive trunk. The men close in around it.

Then several of the aliens appear out of the surrounding undergrowth. The men are surrounded!

CUT TO

[INT. SPACESHIP.]

A pale beige interior. The floors and walls are covered with strange lumps like the beginnings of stalactites or stalagmites. The room is foggy. Clusters of collected Earth plants are scattered around the room. The men all lie unconscious on the floor.

Overhead two of the aliens look down. One turns to the other.

E.T.: Let’s cut one and see what happens.

Now it’s your turn to test your movie knowledge! Match the movies to their corresponding posters.