Quick Takes.

All Together Now.

An Irish pub in Spain is banning the classic singalong song “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond to keep its patrons safer…A photo posted by the pub’s owner Linda Carroll showed the sign explaining the decision: “Due to COVID-19 ‘Sweet Caroline’ is banned. There will be no: touching hands, reaching out, touching me, touching you.”

-delish.com, August 4, 2020

COVID-19 Karaoke Playlist:

Human Touch (Bruce Springsteen)-NO

Invisible Touch (Genesis)-NO

Sometimes When We Touch (Dan Hill)-NO

I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry (Hank Williams)-YES

Touch And Go (The Cars)-NO

Just A Touch (R.E.M.)-NO

Alone (Heart)-YES

Always On My Mind (Willie Nelson/Pet Shop Boys)-YES

Touch Me In The Morning (Diana Ross)-NO

Stand Back (Stevie Nicks)-YES

You Touch My Heart (Phil Collins)-NO

Might As Well Be On Mars (Alice Cooper)-YES

Out Of Touch (Hall And Oates)-YES

Stay Away (Nirvana)-YES

Lean On Me (Bill Withers)-NO

Miss Your Touch (Cassie Ventura)-YES

Can’t Touch This (MC Hammer)-YES

I Want To Hold Your Hand (The Beatles)-NO

Touch Too Much (AC/DC)-NO

Get Down On It (Kool And The Gang)-NO

Black Dog (Led Zeppelin)-NO

I Ran (Flock Of Seagulls)-YES

With Or Without You (U2)-NO. Or YES.

Hold Her In Your Hand (The Bee Gees)-NO

Behind Blue Eyes (The Who)-YES

Don’t Stand So Close To Me (The Police)-YES. WHY ISN’T THIS AT THE TOP OF OUR LIST?

Gimme Some Money (Spinal Tap)-NO

Don’t Come Around Here No More (Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers)-YES

Isolation (John Lennon)-YES

I Drink Alone (George Thorogood And The Destroyers)-YES

Dancing With Myself (Billy Idol)-YES

Gimme Shelter (The Rolling Stones)-NO

Piano Man (Billy Joel)-ONLY IF THE BAR IS AT 25% CAPACITY

I Am A Rock (Simon And Garfunkel)-YES

Lola (The Kinks)-NO

One More Minute (Weird Al Yankovic)-YES

Afternoon Delight (Starland Vocal Band)-NO

Green Onions (Booker T & The MGs)-UH HOW DO YOU SING THAT?

Keep Your Hands To Yourself (The Georgia Satellites)-YES

All By Myself (Eric Carmen)-YES, SERIOUSLY THIS SHOULD BE AT THE TOP OF OUR LIST.

Sunday Morning Coming Down (Johnny Cash)-YES

I Think We’re Alone Now (Tiffany)-MAYBE

Roam (The B-52’s)-NO

Let’s Stay Together (Al Green)-NO

Addicted To Love (Robert Palmer)-NO

The French Inhaler (Warren Zevon)-WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Somebody To Love (Queen)-NO

I Touch Myself (The Divinyls)-YES

Close To You (The Carpenters)-NO

So Far Away (Carole King)-YES

Stand By Me (Ben E. King)-YES IF YOU KEEP SIX FEET AWAY

Sharp Dressed Man (ZZ Top)-WHY IS HE NOT WEARING PANTS?

You Are Not Alone (The Eagles)-NO

In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida-NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IT’S ABOUT AND IT FRIGHTENS CHILDREN SO YES.

The Parting Glass (Traditional)-I DON’T KNOW, MAYBE?

Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah (Allan Sherman)-NOW YOU’RE JUST MESSING WITH ME.

There’s A Word For It.

Source: From Old Books

Schadenfreude (German)-Taking pleasure in the misery of others.

Pochemuchka (Russian)-A highly inquisitive person

Tsundoku (Japanese)-The practice of purchasing books you will probably never read, allowing them to pile up

Desvelado (Spanish)-Being deprived of sleep

Çrregullt (Albanian)-The guilt that comes when someone asks you what seems like a stupid question but when you try to answer it you realize it’s really pretty complicated

Hendelseshorisont (Norwegian)-When you become old enough to realize that most of the original Star Trek episodes were really terrible

Tàirneanaich (Scottish)-When you’ve been inside all day and you finally get a break and step out for some fresh air and it immediately starts raining

Oorworm (Dutch)-The frustration that comes from having a song stuck in your head but you can’t really remember the words

Jageugje (Korean)-Annoyance with yourself when you’ve been handling spicy food with your fingers and then you rub your eyes

Vad är det här (Swedish)-When you’re looking through your desk drawer for something and you find a bag of leftover pieces of furniture you put together

Yangın işareti (Turkish)-The motions you go through when someone asks to see your passport which you’re sure you had just a minute ago

Orologio da abbuffata (Italian)-The certainty when you’ve been binge watching a TV show that you must have skipped something because there’s no way you’re already halfway through season five

Mehukas juoru (Finnish)-The realization when you’re halfway through sharing some gossip that it’s about the person you’re talking to

Qese Çaji (Albanian)-When you’re on your way somewhere and you have to turn around and go home because you’re certain you left something on the stove

Jen vtip (Czech)-The desire to punch someone who insists on dropping foreign phrases into conversation

Urmărindofurtună (Romanian)-Surprise when watching a weather report on the news that there’s a town with a funny name you’ve never heard of before that’s actually pretty near where you live, and you start thinking, “Maybe I should visit Bugtussle.”

Ințepătură de Cornet (Romanian)-Small town in the region of Transylvania whose name roughly translates as “Bugtussle”

No Duds Here.

Fourth of July celebrations around the United States usually mean dazzling displays of pyrotechnics, but with social distancing and people limiting their movement many may stay inside and binge watch so it’s time for a pop quiz!

Fireworks or Buddy Cop film?

1. Hot Fuzz
2. Point Break
3. Bad Boys
4. Turner And Hooch
5. Tuggy Huggy
6. A Gnome Named Gnorm
7. Big Explosion
8. Three Minute Blaze Of Glory
9. Lethal Weapon
10. Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot!
11. Furious Flamingo
12. Terms Of Endearment
13. Sixteen Blocks
14. Emoji Spinners
15. Ground Bloom Flower Brick
16. Men In Black
17. Buffy The Vampire Slayer
18. Dragnet
19. Penguin Mama
20. The Glimmer Man
21. Croc Rock
22. Midnight Run
23. Killer Chihuahua
24. Osmosis Jones
25. Donkey Balls

Scoring:
More than 20–You’re a Hollywood special effects technician with a business card that says “I blow shit up for a living.” You burned down your high school.

15-20–For reasons only you can explain you double majored in film studies and chemistry and still have most of your fingers. You burned down your parents’ garage.

10-14–You like movies and always find the best parking spot for your local Fourth Of July celebration. You’re in charge of the fire when camping.

5-9–You watch your local Fourth Of July celebration on the morning news on the fifth of July. You burn yourself on the stove every time you cook.

1-4–Soup commercials make you cry and you once burned yourself with a glow stick.

All fireworks are currently commercially available and trademarked by their respective manufacturers.

 

They’re Everywhere.

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings.

Every time paper is torn another sprite is being born.

Every time a ship lifts its sail a mermaid grows another tail.

Every time you go downstairs the attic demons come out in pairs.

Every time you use a microwave fairies get together and hold a rave.

Every time a tree is cut a dryad falls on its butt.

Every time a car starts and ogre squats and farts.

Every time there’s a gentle breeze a centaur just had to sneeze.

Every time you spill some salt a jinn sneaks inside a bank vault.

Every time the kettle whistles unicorns mail out epistles.

Every time the air conditioning goes off a dragon gives its skin a slough.

Every time a plug goes into a socket a nixie adds to its docket.

Every time someone scrapes their nails on a chalkboard another hobgoblin joins the horde.

Every time a door is closed a gryphon is indisposed.

Every time someone fries up bacon somewhere a kobold is shakin’.

Every time a soda fizzes a gremlin drops its pants and whizzes.

 

Book ‘Em.

Lesser Known Literary Sequels

Brideshead Revisited Again

A Connecticut Yankee In Small Claims Court

The I Couldn’t Possibly Eat Another Bite Games

Where Was Waldo

Fahrenheit 452

A Tale Of Twin Cities

Catch-23

The Tell-Tale Pancreas

The Sun Also Sweats

And Some More Prejudice

Something Wicked Just Left

A Midsummer Night Shift

The Turn Of The Screwdriver

A Streetcar Named Rice-A-Roni

Vegetable Farm

Paradise Tossed

The Catcher In The Dugout

The Pretty Good Carraway

Shel Silvestein’s The Burning Tree

Lord Of The Fries

Gulliver’s Travel Agency

Green Eggs And Salmonella

Charlie And The Trade Regulations

Splendid Isolation.

Shakespeare is thought by some scholars to have written King Lear while quarantined during an outbreak of plague in London.

Ben Jonson wrote his play The Alchemist in 1610, while the plague was still ravaging London.

Bocaccio lived through the 1348 plague that ravaged Florence and was inspired to write The Decameron, about a group of wealthy socialites who practice social distancing by holing up in a house in the country.

Samuel Pepys kept a very detailed and funny diary even though the Great Plague of London from 1665-1666.

Daniel Defoe was inspired to write A Journal Of The Plague Year, a fictionalized account of events of 1665, in 1719 during an outbreak of plague in Marseilles, France.

Thucydides continued writing The History Of The Peloponnesian War even through the 430 BC plague of Athens, which he also documented.

George Orwell wrote 1984 while suffering from tuberculosis.

So did Franz Kafka. I mean, he didn’t write 1984, but he continued to write, including working on his final novel The Castle, while in a sanatorium being treated for tuberculosis, where he died.

The Marquis de Sade wrote most of his works while in prison and most of his works probably should have stayed there.

Emily Dickinson spent most of her life in self-imposed solitude but still managed to be a great poet.

Robert Louis Stevenson suffered from a respiratory ailment for most of his life but started writing as a child and didn’t stop until his death at forty-four.

In two weeks I’ve accomplished absolutely nothing. I guess there’s still time, though.

 

It’s The Thought That Counts.

Having trouble finding just the right gifts this holiday season? Look no further than your mailbox—not your email, but your actual mailbox. While online shopping is still growing in popularity catalogs are making a comeback, and why not? Something you can sit and peruse is a terrific way to find ideas, and there’s something in them for everyone, which is why catalogs are perfect for your holiday shopping.

Here are just a few suggestions for some of the people who might be on your list this year.

The Kids-Options for kids are all over the place, and vary from kid to kid. Some might appreciate a LEGO catalog, with all that historic company has to offer. Still others might have fun with the retro Betty’s Attic catalog, or the wide variety of items from The Toy Network.

The Roommate-Whether you’re sharing an apartment or a multi-bedroom house living in close proximity can be trying, especially when it comes to the bathroom facilities. If you have a female roommate consider a Bath & Body Works catalog. Or for your male roommate consider Williamsport Bowman Barber Supply, or Allston Supply, which offers a wide variety of janitorial products.

The Foodie-Do you know someone who likes to cook? Send them a Chef Works catalog, full of cookware and other kitchen items. Know someone who might not be so big on cooking but loves food? Send them a Gourmet Food Store catalog, or, for something a little out of the ordinary, send them a Scottish Gourmet USA catalog.

The Athlete-Know someone who likes to work out? You might think exercise equipment would be the ideal catalog idea, but try something different. Send them The Restoration Hardware catalog. At about seventeen pounds it’s perfect for regular weightlifting. Or deliberately misspell their name on a second form so they get two!

The Grandmother-Grandmothers are as individual and unique as anyone, but if you’re looking for something traditional try The Vermont Country Store catalog. Full of nostalgic and hard-to-find items it’s a cozy item to have around and useful for starting a fire.

The Grandfather-Like grandmothers these come in all types, but if you’re looking for something special for the somewhat curmudgeonly old guy in your life consider the Hammacher Schlemmer or Sharper Image catalogs. These will give him plenty of fodder for grumbling about “kids these days” and if he gets the 18-foot inflatable snowman he’ll finally have a legitimate reason to tell those kids to get off his lawn.

The Impossible To Buy For-Forget the catalogs. Send ‘em a damn fruitcake.

Today Is A Good Day To Diet.

Are you looking for ways to eat healthy and lose weight, or at least avoid putting on too much, this holiday season? Here are twelve sure-fire tips to help get you through until the New Year.

 

Add more fiber to your diet. Fall is a great time to sit around and eat an entire raw pumpkin.

 

Avoid stress. During the holidays. No, really, I’m serious about this. Hey, stop laughing!

 

Instead of going for one of those high-calorie coffee drinks fill a tall coffee mug with water. For an added touch put a big wad of whipped cream on top of it.

 

Avoid distracted eating. When that coworker comes to tell you the story of something that happened to the cousin of one of her son’s friends for the third time put away the pork rinds and just squeeze a stress ball under your desk.

 

Partner up with a friend who has similar weight loss goals because misery loves company. On second thought this might not be a good idea because I’ve heard misery also loves chocolate cheesecake.

 

Use a smaller plate, especially at holiday parties. And if you’re holding your plate at chest level and the pile of food you’ve made reaches your neck it’s time to stop.

 

Eat something before you go to a holiday party. And, really, you’re probably already doing this if you know Aunt Louise is bringing her “famous” mackerel casserole.

 

Your body burns more calories when it’s cold. Instead of suiting up for the weather go jogging naked.

 

Try our new Impossible Carrot™! It looks like a real carrot, tastes like a real carrot, and even crunches like a real carrot. Is it good enough to fool real vegans? Let’s find out and see what happens when we tell them it’s made with 100% yak liver!

 

You’re probably doing most of your shopping online, but fill up some department store bags with garbage and go walk around the mall parking lot after dark. When you get mugged they’ll be stealing garbage! This doesn’t have anything to do with weight loss. It’s just really funny.

 

Freeze leftovers. Your body burns more calories when it’s cold and a really great way to cool down is to eat frozen cheese dip.

 

Move to southern California where people often complain that the warm weather makes it hard for them to hide the holiday pounds under layers of clothing. That kind of superficiality can kill your appetite.

 

Instead of egg nog try one of the other popular nogs: fruit nog, yeast nog, and clam nog.

Make weight loss part of a group activity, especially if your workplace offers a program. Get your pre-holiday weigh in on the same day as the office potluck lunch, and stuff a ream of paper down your pants before you go. This is the year you’ll win the tote bag!

 

Accept yourself. Have a piece of pie.

I Want Candy.

The following candies will be rebranded as “sexy” this Halloween:

Kit Kats

Mounds

Almond Joy

Blow Pops

Milk Duds

Lemonheads

Licorice whips

Jawbreakers

Malted milk balls

Twizzlers

Gummy worms

Caramel apples

M&Ms (all flavors)

Snickers

Goo Goo Cluster

Reese’s peanut butter cups

Reese’s pieces

Hershey’s kisses

Butterfinger

Anything “fun size”

Mary Janes

Jolly Ranchers

Watchamacalit

Nerds

Skittles

Candy corn

Starburst

Granola bars

Bon Bons

Pop rocks

Swedish fish

After dinner mints

Wax Lips

Raisins

UNICEF money

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