Quick Takes.

Riddle Rough Drafts.

What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, three legs in the evening, and when would be the ideal time for it to get health insurance?

A box without hinges, key, or a lid, but you followed the directions when you were putting it together. Did you save the receipt?

A train traveling at forty-five miles an hour leaves Vancouver heading east at 4:45am. A train traveling at thirty miles an hour leaves Poughkeepsie traveling northwest at 1:05pm. Explain to me again why this is so much better than flying.

You have two and a half bottles of conditioner and three quarters of a bottle of shampoo you swiped from a hotel. How many times do you have to travel before you have an even number of both?

On Monday there are five coffee cups in the office break room sink. On Tuesday there are four coffee cups in the office break room sink. On Wednesday there are eight coffee cups in the break room sink. Is anyone going to ask Kevin to just rinse one cup if he’s drinking that much coffee?

As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with seven wives. Each wife had seven sacks, each sack had seven cats, each cat had seven kits, and what are the odds I turned around and went back when I saw what kind of people lived there?

You have three glasses of milk and three bowls of pudding. You drink one of the glasses of milk and, oh, wait, are you lactose intolerant?

What has no beginning, end, or middle and is circular and, oh, I just gave away the answer there, didn’t I?

A father and son are in a terrible accident. The father is killed and the son is rushed to a doctor. The doctor says, “I can’t operate on him, I’m a psychiatrist!”

Which came first, the chicken or the egg, and is putting mayonnaise on a chicken sandwich a double insult?

You’re faced with two guardians. One always tells the truth, the other always lies. Which one do you ask a question since they’re both major assholes?

There are four days that start with the letter ‘T’: Tuesday, Thursday, and I’ll tell you the other two tomorrow and yesterday.

Pool Rules.

All swimmers must shower before entering the pool.

All swimmers must be appropriately attired to use the pool and pool area.

All swimmers under the age of fourteen must first pass a swim test.

All swimmers under the age of five must be accompanied by an adult at all times.

Individuals with open cuts, sores, communicable diseases, or who are Kevin may not use the pool.

No glassware is allowed in the pool or pool area, including tumblers, highball glasses, shot glasses, vases, light bulbs, chandeliers, punch bowls, stemless wine glasses, windshields, Chihuly sculptures, champagne flutes, cake cloches, water coolers, butter dishes, marbles, condiment trays, pitchers, carafes, beakers, decanters, flasks, jars, urns, flagons, cruets, ewers, growlers, or amphorae.

No food or beverages are allowed in the pool.

No chewing gum in the pool area unless you brought enough for everyone.

No alcoholic beverages are allowed in the pool or pool area unless you brought enough for the lifeguard.

No spitting, nose blowing, or bodily fluids in the pool, and, hey, get out of here, Kevin.

No running in the pool area. If you can do it in the pool, hey, go for it.

No horseplay, including Equus, Ben Hur, or the Erik Satie ballet Parade.

In the event of severe weather the pool will be closed.

In the event of a fire calmly and quietly exit the area. Do not stand around and say, “Hey, how did a fire break out in the pool?”

If any object ball is jumped off the table, it is a foul and loss of turn, unless it is the 8-ball, which is a loss of game. Any jumped object balls are spotted in numerical order.

No person shall throw any item into the pool or pool area that could endanger the safety of any person. Items include weapons, chairs, other furniture, cans, Jarts, refrigerators, scissors, hazardous chemicals, angry housecats, housecats who are not angry but will be when they’ve been thrown into the pool, car tires, cars, suspension bridges, cider, very small rocks, churches, lead, ducks, black holes, needles, shoes, live electrical wires, half-eaten tuna fish sandwiches, bulldozers, and Kevin.

Except during specified times fishing with dynamite is not allowed.

A first aid kit is located somewhere around here.

Drowning is strictly prohibited.

Enter, Pursued By A Bear.

Back in the spring of 2018 the director of the library where I work called me one morning and asked if I’d be willing to put on a bear costume for Shakespeare’s birthday.

“Oh yeah,” I said, “Because of Exit, pursued by a bear, from Act III of A Winter’s Tale.”

I may have been showing off a little bit. Or more than a little bit. Anyway I was unfortunately not available and maybe that’s just as well because the event was rained out last year. And I’m a little annoyed that no one even thought to ask me if I’d be willing to grin and bear it this year because I would. I absolutely would. I did talk to a coworker who was working the event, though, and he told me his favorite Shakespeare play is Titus Andronicus, which I found a little disturbing, and I told him there’s a new play called Gary: A Sequel To Titus Andronicus that opens on a stage covered with corpses, and he probably found the fact that I was laughing a lot disturbing, but that’s another story.

I also managed to get some pictures of the event.

At one point when the musicians stopped playing I said,

If music be the food of love, play on;

Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,

The appetite may sicken, and so die.

Yeah, I may have been showing off a bit.

One of the activities was writing with a quill. It turned out to be harder than I thought it would be–maybe because I was trying my hand at Omar Khayyam, not the Bard. And contrary to what Ben Johnson said maybe Shakespeare did blot a thousand lines.

And I’m very glad that this year the rain it didn’t raineth every day.
So what’s your favorite Shakespeare play?

Questions I Asked My Grade School Teachers That Made Them Regret Telling The Class “There Are No Stupid Questions”

How much skim milk do you have to add to half and half to make it a quarter and a quarter?

How many liters are in a kilogram?

Is there such a thing as a cake chart?

How do you pronounce a semicolon?

Which of the four food groups is Jell-O in?

Did the first person to say “originality is overrated” recognize the irony?

How much does the Tooth Fairy give for dentures?

Will a trip to Helsinki finish your vacation?

How do I get my grandfather to give my nose back?

Isn’t AC/DC’s music always current?

If there’s just one is it THE moeba?

Why does the sign on the restroom door say “Teachers’ Lounge”?

Remedies To Remember.

Starve a fever, feed a cold.

Ice on a sprain, heat on a strain.

Peroxide on a cut, petroleum jelly on a burn.

Pressure for a bruise, rest for a cramp.

Cooling for sunburn, warming for chilblains.

Sleep for a migraine, exercise for a hangover.

Cayenne oil for soreness, alfalfa juice for swelling.

Breathe deeply with a charley horse, hold your breath with hiccups.

Chicken soup for the flu, broth for the catarrh.

Moisture for itching, wicking for sweating.

Honey for a sore throat, preparations of sulfur for the croup.

Suction for snakebite, ointment for scabies.

Tilt back with a nosebleed, recline with vertigo.

Aspirin for warts, retinoid for carbuncles.

Garlic for gangrene, citrus rind for halitosis.

Warm milk for night terrors, pectin for nervous philtrum.

Poultices for dislocated lobe, molasses for irritable toenail.

Bacon grease for fiddler’s elbow, brandy for well digger’s ass.

Quicklime for a shallow grave, formic acid for badger infestation.

Sticks and stones, rubber and glue.

Bungle in the jungle, that’s all right with me.

 

It’s The Law!

Source: From Old Books

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong will go wrong.

Goodhart’s Law: When a measure becomes a target, it ceases to be a good measure.

Amara’s Law: We tend to overestimate the effect of a technology in the short run and underestimate the effect in the long run.

Allen’s Law: The only rule that has no exceptions is the rule that there’s an exception to every rule.

Cheops Law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

Letterman’s Law: Three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

Hofstadter’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law.

Peter Principle: In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence.

Finagle’s Law: Anything that can go wrong, will—at the worst possible moment.

Gibson’s Law: For every PhD there is an equal and opposite PhD.

Brooks’s Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

Hickam’s Dictum: A man can have as many diseases as he damn well pleases.

Parkinson’s Law: Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.

Hobson’s Choice: A choice of taking what is available or nothing at all

Muphry’s Law: If you write anything criticizing editing or proofreading, there will be a fault of some kind in what you have written.

Gall’s Law: A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that worked.

Segal’s Law: A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.

Hanlon’s Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Brandolini’s Law: The amount of energy needed to refute bullshit is an order of magnitude bigger than to produce it.

Cole’s Law: Shredded cabbage with salad dressing.

Source: Giphy

 

High Resolution.

When making goals the key is to remember the acronym SMART, which stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Rank, and something that starts with T. With that in mind here are my goals for the coming year:

Lose ten pounds.

Exercise daily.

Make healthier eating choices–I might even try these “vegetables” everyone talks about.

Do at least twenty minutes of exercise daily.

Read a book.

Always use reusable bags at the grocery store.

Join a volunteer group.

Learn to make my own olives.

Take up smoking.

Find out what that smell is.

Run fifteen minutes in under a mile.

Write thank you notes to complete strangers.

Pay homage to the Roman god Janus.

Quit smoking.

Climb a tree.

Leave the gun. Take the cannoli.

Get some new underwear.

Use “rugby” as an adjective, but irregularly so no one can tell whether it’s good or bad.

Rock this town, rock it inside out.

Get less sleep.

Get into fewer arguments with lawn furniture.

Spy on llamas.

Find out the difference between liniment and salve.

Talk to myself in the elevator.

Buy a scented phone.

Meet friends for lunch in the middle of the night.

Offer free wi-fi to turtles.

Take off, you hoser.

Take a shower.

Find out the difference between jelly and jam.

You fools, don’t you realize you’re in danger? They’re here already!

I wish I could be like David Watts.

Solo Nixon podria ir a China.

Drink more liquids.

Bury pennies.

I’d like to make it a true daily double, Alex.

Go into a studio to record an album. Get in an argument with myself over creative differences.

Fletcherize.

Weave window blinds into baskets.

Air out my feet at least twice a week.

Slam a revolving door.

Play chess with Death on a Scandinavian shoreline. Cheat.

Would sixty gallons be sufficient?

Find out what “T” stands for.

Give my regards to Broadway.

You know who you never meet anymore? Guys named Clarence.

Find out if there’s a noun version of the word “crotchety”.

Never wear a leopard-print leotard in public.

Introduce myself to everyone by saying, “Dr. Livingston, I presume?”

Give the people a light and they will follow it anywhere.

Appear in a feature film, or at least pay full price to see one in the theater.

Answer that letter from the Queen.

Get hives. No, the ones you keep bees in.

Gain £10.

Do laundry. It’s been six months.

Find out the difference between a cape and a cloak.

Run away from the circus, join a normal family.

Anthropomorphize.

Dress up as a priest. Walk into bars.

Get a credit card. Use it only for gourmet salsa.

Harness the power of static electricity.

Offer unsolicited advice to hackberry trees.

Try ziplining as a creative way to get to work.

Remember the three most important things in genetic engineering: mutation, mutation, mutation.

Try club soda. If that doesn’t work do you have any linseed oil?

Give the conn to my first officer a couple of times a week.

Right, but dogs can look up.

%d bloggers like this: