Quick Takes.

Just a few things on my desk.

Every once in a while a friend of mine will put out the question, “What’s on your desk?” on social media. Or at least they used to. I’d share a few things I had including a quote I have pinned to the wall just behind my monitor and, well, now they don’t ask me anymore. I’m not convinced it’s the quote, but it does seem to stun people into silence. To break the suspense here’s the quote:

The philosophers, preachers, and doctors of your world feed you with fine words through the ears. Here we literally take in our teachings orally, through the mouth. Therefore I do not say to you: Read this chapter, understand this gloss. What I say is: Taste this chapter, swallow this gloss. Once upon a time an ancient prophet of the Jewish nation swallowed a book and became a learned man to the teeth. Now you must immediately drink this, and you’ll be learned to the liver. Here, open your jaws.

That’s from Gargantua & Pantagruel by Francois Rabelais, translated by J.M. Cohen.

Some people find that unsettling. I’m not sure why. When you were a kid were you ever told that you are what you eat? It’s fun to think you are what you read too, unless the only thing you’re reading these days is the labels on soup cans because you want your information condensed, but that’s another story.

What got me thinking about this is the upcoming Edible Book Festival. Or maybe it’s already happened, since it’s a moveable feast.

So what’s around you? Whatever you say I won’t find it unsettling. Here, open your desk.

Last year I made a wish for a job writing copy for the Hammacher-Schlemmer catalog. This year it still provides a bounty of wonders but I decided to cast my net a little wider to create an annual holiday gift guide with a few last-minute items for that hard-to-buy person on your list.

Source: Hammacher-Schlemmer

What better way to keep potential intruders away from your campsite than making it look like the refuge of a bunch of filthy dirty hippies? That’s what the VW Bus Tent is for. It’s not really a vehicle but it will take you back to the sixties. Or set it up at home to get Rocky Mountain high right in your own backyard.

Source: Tipsy Elves

We all look back fondly on the days of getting our asses kicked by bullies because our moms made us wear something stupid, don’t we guys? Well now you can relive those glory days at the office with a wide variety of Christmas-themed suits. My personal favorite is the Mistletoe Money Maker Suit. The design is actually holly berries but you could always accessorize with mistletoe if you’re aiming for that special trifecta of getting your ass kicked, getting fired, and a sexual harassment lawsuit.

Source: Lillian Vernon

Because nothing goes together like drunkenness and children’s games…

Source: Hammacher-Schlemmer

Know someone who’s a big gamer? Know someone who’s a really big gamer? And when I say “big” I mean someone who is approximately nine feet tall because I’m pretty sure that’s the minimum height you’d have to be to enjoy this video game console. Seriously, for $99,000 I think you could just have a Nintendo Wii installed in a movie theater.

Source: Wal Mart

The Triops Kit is the one item that is not a joke. If you’re old enough to remember ads for amazing sea monkeys you know how disappointing it was that they were only brine shrimp. They didn’t live in tiny castles or wear tiny crowns and, let’s face it, as far as underwater life goes they were only slightly less boring and annoying than The Snorks and at least you could kill brine shrimp.

Triops are everything you wanted brine shrimp to be that they weren’t. Okay, they may not wear tiny crowns or live in tiny castles but they’re approximately a hundred times bigger and have been scientifically determined to be a million times cooler.

Tyrannosaurus rex not included.

All blogging software collects search terms. At least I assume this is the case because a lot of bloggers have written posts about odd and funny search terms they see when they’re working behind the scenes. I believe this was started by The Bloggess and others picked it up and it became very popular, I don’t know, back in the 1970’s or some time around then and I’m doing it now because I always like to follow the crowd but at a safe distance.

These are not the most recent search terms but a few of the more interesting ones I’ve pulled from the total history of this blog.

nashville mta routes map

Of the known search terms this one is the most popular. It’s also the one that I’m sure causes the most disappointment. Anyone who comes here looking for any route maps or, for that matter, instructions on how to get anywhere or do anything is going to be extremely disappointed.

vending machine room

I understand why this search term brings people here but, again, I’m very sorry that anyone looking for directions to the vending machine room won’t find them here. Given the subject of my post about the vending machine I’m disappointed that searches for “Tarzan” don’t seem to bring anyone here.

eavesdropping rude

Yes, I agree that it is, but it’s also inevitable sometimes, especially now that everyone carries their own personal phones everywhere. The other day I heard someone behind me say “Hello handsome!” I didn’t turn around because I knew whoever it was couldn’t possibly be talking to me but when you speak that loudly on a public sidewalk people are going to overhear you even if you follow the crowd at a safe distance.

needing adult diapers because of diuretic

This is a good reminder that I have absolutely no idea how the internet works. Why someone who typed this query into a search engine would be directed here is beyond me, although it does fit with the ongoing theme that I feel guilty for anyone who comes here expecting to find useful information.

wearing skirt stairs

I have no idea what skirt stairs are but they sound extremely uncomfortable. Okay, I admit that I’m not that naïve and in this case at least I’m glad that if this is one area in which anyone who comes here is going to be disappointed.

cary grant does not like elevators

This is proof that other peoples’ search terms are as educational as they are entertaining. I had no idea that Cary Grant didn’t like elevators. And I guess he kept those rugged good looks by using the stairs. Maybe if I take the stairs more often the next time someone says “Hello handsome!” they really will be talking to me.

smear peanut butter on tied naked person let dog loose

I write about a wide variety of subjects but this is one I don’t think I’ve ever considered, so, again, anyone who comes here looking for that sort of thing is going to be disappointed, but if the person and the dog both enjoy it and nobody gets hurt I’m not going to judge.

i hate peeps

So do I, anonymous stranger. Thank you for reassuring me I am not alone.

“idi amin” “late for dinner”

These two come up as a “single” search “term” but at least I know why it’s directing “people” here. There’s an apocryphal story that Idi Amin responded to charges of cannibalism by saying, “I would never eat human flesh. That’s barbaric. Besides it’s much too salty.” I find that funny, so you’d be justified in calling me sick, demented, twisted, and dark–but please don’t call me “late for dinner”.

read the story what is black and white and red all over

This was a final Jeopardy! clue. The correct response was, “What is a zebra in a blender?”

<i>leave grocery cart unattended in line</i>

Yes, this is a great idea. Please leave your grocery cart unattended in the checkout line. Hey, I forgot to get lettuce while I was shopping. I’ll just take yours.

imagine your daisy answer

Another great tip. All my answers are now going to be “daisy”. No matter what the question is I’m going to answer “daisy”. Or “dandelion”. Yeah, I think I’ll go with “dandelion”. I like them more than daisies.