A few years ago I wrote a post about worms and how whenever I see one struggling to get somewhere I like to help it along. Little did I realize that would come back to haunt me, and I’ve agreed to allow a member of the community to offer some further thoughts.
So my wife gave me a literary tea collection because, well, I’m a bit of a reader, and by “bit of a reader” I mean I always have at least five or six books stacked up on my bedside table and a long list of books I wish I could get to, but that’s another story. Anyway I noticed a theme running through the collection.
This one might make me go blind.
This one might make me go bald.
This one might make me go bearded.
This one I can only drink when it’s brillig.
You may have noticed something else they all have in common, something which reminds me of Henry Ford’s statement, “You can have it in any color you like as long as it’s black.” He was referring, of course, to the Model Tea.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving in the United States, a fun and exciting holiday that involves a lot of swallowing and gulping and devouring and consumption and chewing, and then there’s the food. With that in mind I’m just going to stuff this in here.
The other day when I came home my dogs were barking, but taking my shoes off would have to wait because our real dogs were barking and needed to go out. They usually bark when I come home; I like to think this is because they’re excited and happy I’m home. Several years ago my wife and I went to see a stage production of 101 Dalmatians that featured some real Dalmatians, and also some actors in Dalmatian costumes. Instead of barking the actors would yell “HEY! HEY! HEY!” and this is what I often think our dogs are saying when they’re barking, although they’re also quite capable of intelligent conversation, but that’s another story.
Anyway I had a dog on a leash in one hand and my phone in the other and decided to send my wife a text to let her know I was home safe and sound. And because I’m a little goofy, especially after a day at work, I asked my phone to send her the message, “I’m home with the barking bow wows.” And this is the preview message that popped up:
Obviously this was my fault. I’ve given my phone a British accent and occasionally this causes some confusion. For instance when I’m dictating a message I can’t end a sentence with “period” or it will spell out the word “period”. I have to say “full stop”. So I tried again.
Again, obviously my fault. I think I stumbled as I was talking. Third time’s a charm.
Powerhouse was a short-lived television show produced by PBS in 1982 about a plucky little community center and the diverse young people who frequent it. It also ran on Nickelodeon back in the network’s early days, and the cast included a very young pre-SNL Ana Gasteyer. ” I was not yet ready to give up.
No clue where this came from, although “Powerhouse” is also the name of an instrumental composition used in many Warner Brothers cartoons. None of this has anything to do with the message I was trying to send, but, hey, that was a nice little diversion. I was determined, though, that persistence would pay off.
It would have to do.
Halloween should always be on a Friday or Saturday. Even Monday is scarier than Tuesday. Nice way to mess with us, calendar.
The Ten Worst Haunted Houses
- You’ll Come Out Alive.
- Bring The Kids!
- Have Some Caffeine First.
- The Tate Gallery
- Kevin Was Supposed To Bring Chainsaws.
- During The Day We’re Putting On Joseph & The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.
- Based On A Hallmark Channel Movie.
- Who Wants Pancakes?
- This Collection Of Carefully Arranged Tableaux May Appear Scary But You’ll Be Quite Safe, And That Waiver Is Meaningless Window-Dressing.
- Apple Store
That concludes this year’s Halloween Parade. Lou Reed, the final word is yours.
Fall, the season of cooler weather, falling leaves, and shorter days is here at last. Some prefer to call the season “autumn” after the Latin autmnus, meaning both the season and the harvest. It’s the time to reap the fruits of spring and summer labor and prepare for the winter to come. Whatever you call the season here are some ideas to help you celebrate it.
Store Nuts For Winter
Go to a bank and get a safe deposit box. Specify that you want one low to the ground. Fill it with nuts to see you through the winter.
For extra authenticity do this while wearing a squirrel costume then forget which bank you stored your nuts in. As long as you avoid going back to the same bank you can do this repeatedly over several years. It’s not like it’s going to affect your credit rating.
Make Spider Webs
Spider webs are larger and, thanks to cool morning temperatures which causes dew to collect on them, more visible at this time of year. This makes them an ideal symbol for the season as well as a reminder of the circular rhythms of time. You can craft spider webs of your own out of string or pipe cleaners.
For extra authenticity knit an “egg sac”. Stuff several small children into it. Ce sac n’est pas un jouet. Release them in the spring.
Celebrate Seasonal Differences
Have someone in Australia write “Happy Spring!” on postcards and mail them to you. Notice how they change to “Happy Fall!” when they cross the equator.
Enjoy Seasonal Flavors
Pumpkin spice-flavored drinks have become a popular fall tradition. Try making your own pumpkin spice-flavored beverages at home.
For extra authenticity make a pumpkin spice-flavored latte with only ingredients that would have been available to the early European settlers. So, basically, mash pumpkin and milk together. Yeah, never mind. The result looks and tastes like orange-tinted plaster.
Add pumpkin spice to orange-tinted plaster. Serve it along with some real pumpkin spice-flavored lattes to your friends. See if they can tell the difference.
Do NOT make a rhubarb pie.
Rhubarb is at its peak in the late spring and early summer and is really just celery that’s possessed by demons.
Have a bonfire.
Ideally bonfires should be held in the country or in a large open field, but don’t let living in the city hold you back. Learn from my example, though, and point out to the authorities that technically construction hadn’t started on that site.
Go on a hay ride.
For added fun throw yourself in front of the tractor and get seriously injured, then become the tragic hero of a young adult novel about the rewards and risks of farm life.
Note: Discourage others from following your example. A bunch of injuries can bring down the mood of a fun, jaunty hay ride, and you also want that young adult novel to focus on you.
Have a leaf-raking party.
Raking the leaves that clutter the yard is an annual chore, although no one’s really quite sure why we do it, except that some people are just weird about their yards and have tricked the rest of us into being the same way. Why not make it fun? Everybody loves a party, so invite your friends to help rake leaves in your yard. If you can convince them to bring food, drinks, and their own rakes, well, you can pretty much sit back and rest. Suckers.
Name That Season
Have a debate with a friend over whether the season should be called “Fall” or “Autumn”.
Standard debate rules apply: participants will have their left hands bound together with a one-foot cord, but instead of right hands holding the traditional switchblades participants will try to scald each other with cups of hot cider. It’s educational and delicious!
One night I was sitting at home watching TV and a commercial for a Mongolian restaurant named after Genghis Khan came on, and, well, you know how one idea leads to another, so I jotted this down in a notebook.
Scene: The front inside section of a restaurant. A very overweight man in a late 18th century aristocratic outfit–tailcoat, vest, powdered wig, etc., all in rich aqua-colored fabric, strolls forward.
Host: Tired of being beaten by high-priced restaurants that don’t fulfill your desires? Come to De Sade’s for real satisfaction.
As he speaks he walks by the open kitchen where a chef is beating something with a large whip. He proceeds to the buffet which runs through the center of the restaurant.
Host: At De Sade’s we aim to provide everything you could want with our all-you-can-eat buffet. Steaks, seafood, and a wide variety of sides and salads.
He picks up a cucumber and points it outward.
Host: No one else’s is bigger. I can promise you that.
He then proceeds to the end of the buffet.
Host: And dessert is included with every meal.
He cuts a small slice out of a chocolate cake then tips the entire cake onto his plate. He then puts his fingers in a bowl of whipped cream and scoops it into his mouth.
Host: Mmmm. Freshly whipped.
Cut to: a family–father, mother, son, and daughter–sitting in a booth. The Host sits down next to them.
Host: And remember: at De Sade’s kids always eat free.
The parents look alarmed and pull their children away.
On Monday, August 21, 2017, all of North America will be treated to an eclipse of the sun. Anyone within the path of totality can see one of nature’s most awe-inspiring sights – a total solar eclipse. This path, where the moon will completely cover the sun and the sun’s tenuous atmosphere – the corona – can be seen, will stretch from Lincoln Beach, Oregon to Charleston, South Carolina. Observers outside this path will still see a partial solar eclipse where the moon covers part of the sun’s disk.
Facts About Eclipses:
The shadow cast by the Moon during an eclipse is known as the UMBRA. Being in it is known as TAKING UMBRAGE.
During an eclipse the temperature may drop between five and three thousand degrees.
People who are compelled to vocalize during an eclipse are known as Eclipse-O Singers.
If you sleep during an eclipse you’ll miss it.
The Moon does not shine during an eclipse. NASA engineers turn it off to save power.
What does an eclipse look like from Venus? We don’t know because your face would melt off.
The myth that eclipses are bad luck was dismissed in 1917 when scientists confirmed that eclipses are bad luck.
An eclipse was the inspiration for Albert Einstein’s haircut.
More than three-fourths of the Moon’s craters were formed during puberty.
The first photograph of an eclipse was taken, I don’t know, during an eclipse probably.
During an eclipse the Moon is mooning the Sun.
The dark side of the Moon is completely smooth during an eclipse because the Sun melts the cheese.
If you were to play Pink Floyd’s Dark Side Of The Moon during an eclipse the eclipse would be over before Dorothy says ” “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”