Several years ago I saw this headboard and thought it was a terrible idea.
“That’s very well lit for the bottom of a crater of an abandoned volcano at the bottom of the sea.”
“We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese.”
“Santa’s going to whimper like a whipped pup.”
“Make my muscle car prune colored.”
“Next on ESPN, full contact nightgown wrestling!”
“This is where my tongue lives.”
“I need to know what not to do on a date!”
“So can I split your top and butter your buns?”
“This man is wearing a push-up bra. Now he’s pleasing.”
“This time, don’t make so much noise when you ‘read.’”
“I don’t make threats, Mr. Fingal, only promises. And a great pork roll!”
“He tried to kill me with a forklift!”
“You have fingers. I like that in a man.”
“Do you know that I have little bunnies painted on my knees?”
“Look, look, look at my crotch. Look, look look at my crotch. Loooook at my crotch. Yay!”
“Oh, and “go Packers” too, but mostly burn the witch.”
“Some carrots are frozen. Some carrots are humiliated publicly.”
“Watch out for snakes!”
“I’ve got a mantis in my pantis.”
“Just puttin’ the salmon balls away.”
“He takes on a series of strange body habits…wears toast in his pants…”
“No springs? I don’t care. There’s still butter and meatloaf.”
“Jiminy, thinks Johnny, if only I could get a ride in one of those.”
“The ear is the human organ the public speaker is most likely to try to impress as he makes a speech…after the human nipple.”
“Oh, the previous tenant didn’t flush.”
“Kids’ brains always taste better when they’ve been thinking about donuts.”
And, of course:
“Well, there it is. Spankings all around then.”
If you need me I’ll be in bed.
The way it functioned was very interesting. When the Drink button was pressed it made an instant but highly detailed examination of the subject’s taste buds, a spectroscopic analysis of the subject’s metabolism and then sent tiny experimental signals down the neural pathways to the taste centers of the subject’s brain to see what was likely to go down well. However, no one knew quite why it did this because it invariably delivered a cupful of liquid that was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea.
-Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy
If you’ve encountered one of these machines you’ve probably discovered that no matter what you select it comes out tasting vaguely like everything else it also dispenses. Never before has anyone thought to combine lemonade with Coke, Vanilla Coke, Cherry Coke, green tea, Powerade, Sprite, at least four flavors of Fanta, orange juice, and assorted other beverages, and if you’ve tasted the result you know why.
It’s a classic example of good idea/bad design. Some engineer came up with a brilliant idea to collapse a standard drink dispenser into the same space as a standard vending machine, saving restaurants approximately six square inches, but didn’t think that something as simple as an intermittent squirt of water to clean the nozzle would be necessary.
Coming up next: how the ancient myth of Sisyphus anticipated Windows 8.
Twenty Animal Euphemisms For Embarrassing Body Parts:
1. Giraffe ankle
2. Salamander eyelid
3. Zebra earlobe
4. Horse uvula
5. Abalone tongue
6. Vulture chin
7. Bear lip
8. Muskox armpit
9. Hyena knee
10. Cobra eyebrow
11. Millipede finger
12. Gazelle thigh
13. Hawk elbow
14. Panda cheek
15. Baboon clavicle
16. Trout nostril
17. Aardvark neck
18. Skunk insole
19. Cuttlefish bone
20. Nictitating membrane.
If you’re wondering how any of these apply this may clarify things:
After taking a sip of his morning potato juice and putting aside the news sheet Lord Buxtingtoncheth motioned to the underbutler Digby.
“Pray tell my good man if you would, where is the Lady Anesthesia this morning?” he queried interrogatively.
Digby straightened the wastrels of his tunic coat.
“I am given to understand she is breakfasting in her room m’lud.”
Upstairs Lady Anesthesia sat up in bed. She’d tried to counter her insomnia with a novel, but after writing two chapters had given it up as hopeless.
Back in the dining room Lord Buxtingtoncheth’s eldest daughter Primrose, already dressed on flocculent muslin, entered, and promptly tripped over her sister Chrysanthemum. The son Hawthorne then entered and joined the dignified tangle of extremities on the Polynesian carpet.
–selection from Sceptre Over Skegness by R.A.L.B.G. Wavell, O.B.E.
Previously on Freethinkers Anonymous: In The Web, a slightly more serious look at Charlotte’s Web.