Not Non-Fiction

Stories.

If You Didn’t Need Medication Before You Will Now.

Thank you for calling the automated pharmacy refill service. You may use this service at any time to refill your prescriptions. This includes times when the pharmacy is closed. Were you aware that you can now use the automated pharmacy refill service to refill your prescriptions?

If you were not press ‘1’ now.

If you were press ‘2’ now.

If you would like to move on to the next option press ‘3’ or remain on the line.

You have selected ‘3’. If this is correct press ‘1’ now. If it is not press ‘2’ to return to the main menu.

Thank you. You have selected ‘1’. You will move on to the next option in just a moment.

Is this a medical emergency? If it is press ‘1’ then hang up and dial 9-1-1 for emergency medical assistance now.

If it is not a medical emergency press ‘2’ to move on to the next menu option.

You have selected ‘2’. Are you sure this is not a medical emergency? If you are not press ‘1’ now for a list of situations that might require emergency medical attention. If any of these apply you should hang up and dial 9-1-1 for emergency medical assistance.

If you are sure this is not a medical emergency press ‘2’ now.

You have selected ‘2’ indicating that this is not a medical emergency. Please be aware that we cannot be held responsible if you are experiencing a medical emergency and insist on trying to refill your prescription instead of seeking medical assistance.

If you are on a specialty medication or there is another reason you may need to speak to a pharmacist please call during regular business hours. If you would like to know what the regular business hours for this pharmacy are press ‘1’ now. If you would like to move on to the next menu option press ‘2’ now.

You have selected ‘2’. Are you sure you know what the pharmacy hours are? If you do press ‘1’ now. If you’re not sure and would like to go ahead and hear them press ‘2’ now.

You have selected ‘1’. We will not be responsible if you try to pick up your prescription in the middle of the night because you don’t know what regular business hours are.

If you are with a doctor’s office and are calling to submit a new patient subscription please hang up and call our doctor’s office number. If you don’t know what our doctor’s office number is press ‘1’ now. If you are with a doctor’s office and do know what our doctor’s office number is but called this one by mistake please press ‘2’ then hang up and dial the correct number.

If you are a patient calling for a prescription refill press ‘3’ now.

If you think we should have put that last option first please remain on the line once you’re done and you will be redirected to a short customer satisfaction survey.

You have selected ‘3’. Please enter the last four digits of the phone number we have on file for you followed by the pound key.

I’m sorry, we could not find that number in our files. If you would like to try and remember which number you gave us when your prescription was placed press ‘1’ now.

If you have so many numbers you don’t have a clue which one we could have press ‘2’ to spell your last name now.

You have selected ‘1’. Please try and enter the correct number this time followed by the pound sign.

Thank you. We have located your file. Please enter your prescription number—

I’m sorry, you didn’t listen to the full message. Please enter your prescription number preceded by the star sign followed by the pound sign after you have pressed zero. Once you have entered your prescription number press the number 1.

Thank you. This prescription has no refills. Would you like us to contact your doctor? If yes press ‘1’. If not press ‘2’ then hang up and call your doctor.

You have selected ‘1’. We will contact your doctor for you.

Do you have any other prescription refill requests? If yes press ‘1’. If no press ‘2’.

You have selected ‘2’. Please be aware that if you are mistaken you’ll have to listen to this entire message again.

Would you like to leave a message for the pharmacist? If yes press ‘1’. If no press ‘2’.

You have selected ‘2’. Would you like to leave a message explaining why you don’t want to talk to the pharmacist, even to just say hello? Sometimes a little personal message can really brighten the pharmacist’s day. If yes press ‘1’. If no press ‘2’.

You have selected ‘2’. Because the pharmacist is a professional this lack of concern on your part will not be taken personally. However if you call back within the next half hour to refill another prescription your call may be routed to this message in Albanian.

We will process your prescription refill request. If you would like to take a short customer survey please remain on the line.

If you are using a rotary phone please hang up and call from another phone or remain on the line. If you are calling during regular business hours someone will be with you after the short customer survey.

It’s All In The Details.

fragileDetailed Package Tracking

December 9

10:12am-Your package has been accepted for delivery.

10:44am-Your package is now ready to be shipped.

11:01am-The shipping department crew is now laughing at you for purchasing the extra insurance.

11:07am-Your package is being shaken by Kevin who’s really good at figuring out what’s being shipped.

11:22am-Your package has been thrown across the room into a large wheeled hamper.

11:34am-A bunch of other packages have been dropped on top of yours.

11:37am-The hamper with your package has just been moved six feet to the left.

11:43am-Everyone’s gone to lunch.

12:36pm-The hamper with your package has been moved six feet to the right.

12:42pm-Employees are now playing ‘Toss The Packages Marked Fragile’.”

12:57pm-Kevin just lost for the fifth time.

1:03pm-Kevin is re-taping your package.

2:34pm-Your package has been loaded onto the delivery truck.

2:58pm-The delivery truck driver is still scratching himself.

3:21pm-The delivery truck is now in transit.

4:05pm-In transit.

5:07pm-In transit.

5:22pm-In traffic.

5:43pm-Delivery driver getting coffee.

5:58pm-In traffic.

6:03pm-Driver stopped to have a beer.

6:48pm-Driver going the wrong way.

7:22pm-Driver knows you’re home. Quietly left a note saying delivery attempted but no response.

8:31pm-Driver returned to shipping hub.

9:03pm-Employees are laughing about people who didn’t get their packages delivered.

December 10

12:03pm-Driver in transit with your package.

12:24pm-Per instructions you arrive at the shipping warehouse to pick up your package.

12:36pm-Clerk looking for your package.

12:45pm-Warehouse employees laughing at you for making a special trip.

1:03pm-Package delivered to your neighbor’s house.

2:25pm-Your neighbor is in transit.

2:34pm-Neighbor going the wrong way.

2:48pm-Package delivered.

 

Where Everybody Knew His Name.

Source: Wikipedia

Source: Wikipedia

Dylan Thomas was a regular at the Brown’s Hotel Pub in Laugharne. He was such a regular he gave the pub’s phone number as his. The anniversary of his November 9th, 1953 got me thinking about his resemblance to another bar regular and I thought how he might have greeted everyone as he came in each day.

Door opens.

Dylan: Good afternoon everyone.

Everyone: DYLAN!

Robert: How’s it going, Dylan?

Dylan: Cur is set upon cur and I am gartered with a mongrel’s dinner.

Door opens.

Dylan: Good afternoon everyone.

Everyone: DYLAN!

Robert: What are you up to, Dylan?

Dylan: Perfect proportions if I could stand eye-height with the Laugharne castle turret.

Door opens.

Dylan: Good afternoon everyone.

Everyone: DYLAN!

Robert: What’s shakin’, Dylan?

Dylan: My mortal flesh, stork-white and swollen as the tide that coaxes the cockles from their airy nest.

Door opens.

Dylan: Good afternoon everyone.

Everyone: DYLAN!

Rhys: How are you feeling, Mr. Thomas?

Dylan: Bitter.

Rhys: I’m sorry to hear that.

Dylan: No, a pint of bitter now!

Door opens.

Dylan: Good afternoon everyone.

Everyone: DYLAN!

Robert: I’ve drawn a pint for you, Dylan.

Dylan: I admire your skill with the stylus but would prefer a filled glass.

Door opens.

Dylan: Good afternoon everyone.

Everyone: DYLAN!

Robert: I have a pint ready for you Dylan.

Dylan: I shall partake then whatever it may be.

Robert: Looks like ale.

Dylan: A ray of sun breaks into this vale of tears.

Door opens.

Dylan: Good afternoon everyone.

Everyone: DYLAN!

Robert: How are we today, Dylan?

Dylan: Time, like a running grave, fans the flames of our bodily hearths.

Robert: Lager then?

A Werewolf Problem In Southern Indiana.

wolfanddogThe following story was written by journalist Allen Walker and appeared in the October 2015 issue of Catchall, an alt-weekly for which he is a feature writer. It’s reprinted here with the author’s permission. His articles have also appeared in Matrix, Road Hogs, Elsewhere, and other publications.His essay Patagonia Dreamin’ is included in the anthology The Journey Of A Thousand Miles. Other stories by Allen Walker that have appeared here are Living Or Dead Is Purely Coincidental (Part 1, Part, 2, Part 3, Part 4), That Was The Year That Was, and Submerged.

George Bathory reported during the night that he’d shot a large animal near his campsite. The next morning park rangers found a naked man with a bullet wound in his shoulder. The man, later identified as Sam Gould, refused to press charges. Neither of the men knew each other, nor did they have any connection that investigators could find.

Those are the facts and they are strange enough in themselves but to make it stranger Bathory maintains he did not shoot a man. The whole matter could have been easily dismissed as a hunting accident if he hadn’t insisted on going to court to protest his innocence. When I arrive at his home on a small suburban cul-de-sac he tells me almost immediately that he’s decided that an appeal would be too costly, but he insists, in spite of the court’s decision, that he is not guilty of involuntary manslaughter.

“It wasn’t a man,” he says. “I know what I saw. I might have shot to kill if I hadn’t been so scared.”

What exactly did he see, or think he saw? A clue to that is in the list of witnesses he wanted to call: mostly biologists, at least five of whom are in Canada or Alaska, but also folklorists and anthropologists. It’s hard to see how any of them could offer anything that would bolster his case.

“They have to know,” he says. “They have to know these aren’t just stories.”

While he goes to the bathroom I examine his bookshelves. He has a whole series of books titled Roughing It Easy and several more on camping and hunting. At the end of the shelf is a cluster of books about mushrooms. I flip through one that’s full of colorful photographs and diagrams clearly marking every species as delicious, inedible, or dangerous. He finds me looking at this book when I return and launches into a talk about mushroom hunting, how there are five types easily identifiable by anyone that are not only edible but very good.

“Were you collecting mushrooms when you were camping?” I ask. I hope the question doesn’t sound too obvious. Mr. Bathory, with his short hair and straightforward demeanor also doesn’t seem like the type to engage in recreational drugs of any sort, but I’ve learned you never can tell.

He shakes his head, waving the question away. “With the drought you’re not going to find any mushrooms out in the woods.”

His wife, a tall, slender woman with a halo of red hair and pale blue eyes, comes in to tell us lunch is ready.

Once we start eating I try to bring the conversation back to his conviction.

“You do understand why it sounds pretty ridiculous,” I say. “A large creature like that roaming around the woods here just seems too incredible to be true.”

“I know what I saw!” He slams his fist down on the table.

After a few minutes of silence I tell his wife the paprikash is delicious. The chicken floats in a sauce that looks like blood.

wolf

Even though I felt obligated to talk to Mr.Bathory he’s not the real reason I’m in Glasgow, a small town in southwestern Indiana. The real reason is a woman I’ll only call Alpha. A month earlier, after I’d written up a brief filler about the shooting, she emailed me to tell me she wanted to confirm his story. She also added that there was more to it.

We stroll along an easy path through a state park. As we get deeper into the woods she inhales deeply.

“I work in an office but this is where I really belong,” she says.

“How often do you come out here?”

“Every chance I get.”

An unseasonably cool breeze passes through us. I’m at a loss for what to ask next when I remember the moon was only a sliver in the sky over my hotel this morning. I ask if I should have come closer to a full moon. She looks at me, frowning.

“It’s not a lunar thing. It doesn’t work like that. Do you know where that comes from?”

“Tell me.”

“There’s all kinds of myths and stories about lunacy and the effects full moons have on people but the idea that we’re bound to the moon comes from Hollywood and Hollywood got it from Petronius. Except Petronius doesn’t say it’s a full moon. He just tells the story of two slaves who spend the night in a field. One of them sees the other strip down and transform. He can only see it because of the moonlight. The change really can happen anytime. It’s not something we become. It’s who we are.”

“Always?”

“All the time.”

We stop. Alpha looks around. “There are people here.” There were a few other cars in the parking lot when we arrived but I haven’t seen anyone. “They’re about fifteen, maybe twenty minutes ahead of us on the trail,” she says. “I shouldn’t be telling you about us.”

“Why did you contact me then?”

She sighs. “Because you seem open-minded. Because you were asking about the shooting and it has all of us on edge. These things have happened before but we’ve never had anyone make so much noise about it. It’s never been this public. It got some of us thinking maybe it’s time to come out. We have so much to lose but so much to gain too.”

“Like what?”

“For one thing we don’t know how it happens. My mother wasn’t like me. She would have told me. And I never knew my father. We don’t know if it’s genetic, but if it is we could make the world safer for our children.”

We continue walking. I ask if there’s any evidence that it’s passed on by a bite, like in some folklore.

“You’re thinking rabies. And porphyria. We think it’s more complicated than that, like it just crops up in people at random.

“But if you come out there might also be efforts to try and cure you,” I say. “There are stories about that too. Wolfsbane, silver bullets.”

Alpha turns and glares at me. “You think Sam got shot by some camper who just happened to be carrying a rifle with silver bullets? Don’t be a dumbass.”

When we reach the end of the trail Alpha shakes my hand.

“I need to get back to work. It has been nice talking to you. We’ll pick you up tonight at seven.”

I thank her politely but inside I’m elated. I’ve passed the test and will get to meet the pack.

werewolf3

The van pulls up at the front of my hotel a little after seven. The late summer sun is still high in the sky. It’s humid and I’ve been dousing myself with bug spray to keep the mosquitoes at bay. I open the back to toss in my gear. Then, as  I’m climbing into the side, I come face to face with a man with a thick, long beard. He looks at me suspiciously then turns to the front where Alpha sits in the passenger seat.

“Is this a good idea?” he asks.

Alpha’s reply is blunt. “Yes.”

The other three passengers—two women and an African American man—are friendlier. They introduce themselves to me as Kathy, Linda, and Larry. Larry invites me to sit next to him. The bearded man will only tell me his name is Beta, and he spends the trip staring out the window. Once we get underway I ask if anyone minds answering a few questions. I try to address this to everyone in the group, but I’m intrigued by Larry. He grins widely and says, “What do you want to know?”

A hundred different things, but I start with the obvious.

“How did all of you meet?”

Kathy turns around. “It started with me and Alpha. We met when we were Girl Scouts. We were in different troops but using the same campsite. That’s how we met each other one night. Out roaming the woods alone. We’ve been friends ever since.”

“So you were…”

“Different,” she says. “But we both knew we needed each other. And we needed others.”

Linda interrupts. “The internet has been what’s brought us together but you have to be careful. Most people think we’re crazy. Some people want to join us and it turns out they’re crazy.”

“How can you tell?”

Linda’s nostrils flare. “You smell like a skeptic.”

“And bug spray!” yells Alpha from the front seat. “God, let’s crack some windows.”

Linda’s right, I am skeptical, but while I’ve tried to keep my questions neutral it’s not exactly a revelation. Even though stories of lycanthropes extend across the northern hemisphere and almost every culture has its stories of humans that turn into animals—including dolphins—the idea of meeting the real thing still seems incredible. Yet this group’s insistence that they are a “pack” seems strangely believable. As Alpha said there are many things they don’t know. If this were a hoax, I assume, they’d have built up an elaborate story. Taking a single reporter on a camping trip also seems like a poor way to stage a hoax. They’re too careful, too secretive. Kathy tells me they have to be.

“Sam got sloppy. He forgot that we don’t just go out with each other for fun. We also do it to protect each other. He forgot that some people will try to hurt us.”

I ask if she thinks I might.

“It’s hard to tell through the bug spray and deodorant and hotel soap but I don’t think so.”

The others, aside from Beta, agree.

I continue asking questions and learn that they do these camping trips at least twice a month from March through October, tapering off to just once a month in the winter months. There are a few other members who aren’t attending, apparently put off by me. The van’s driver is Karl whom I learn is not really a member of the pack but a trusted outsider who only serves as chauffeur and won’t be staying with us.

When we get to the parking lot of the place where we’ll be camping I offer to help carry gear which makes everyone laugh. This group travels light. I’m the only one with a pup tent and a sleeping bag. I also brought two thermoses of coffee, anticipating a late night, an early morning, or both. Everyone else has rolled blankets and small bags for carrying food, water, and cooking gear. We set out for the campsite. Larry brings up the rear and I walk with him. We chat and I learn during the day he’s a librarian, “mostly behind the scenes stuff.” Everyone else is quiet. Alpha and Beta lead the group and talk a little as we go. Kathy and Linda walk single file in the middle.

At the campsite everyone puts their bags down in a circle but Alpha advises me to set up my tent on a ridge about a hundred feet away “to be safe”. Safe for whom? I decide not to ask.

Once my tent is set up I rejoin the group. Everyone’s eating field rations, MREs, in self-heating packages.

“We used to build fires but it was too distracting,” says Alpha.

“From what?” I ask. Everyone looks at each other.

“They could attract others. Someone also had to stay up and make sure the fire was put out so nobody’d step in it or get scared away. This way we all get to relax and just be ourselves.”

Larry hands me an MRE. “And with you here,” he says, “I don’t get stuck with the vegetable lasagna.”

I’m not sure what the joke is but I laugh along with everyone else.

The sun sets. Someone places a small portable lamp in the middle of the group and soon the others are just five faces bobbing in the darkness. From their conversation they could be almost any group of hobbyists. Alpha complains about a difficult co-worker. The others’ advice is generic. Then they start to talk about previous camping trips, about the time in late March there was a light overnight snow. During a lull Linda pulls pulls out a flask. She hands it to Alpha who drinks then reaches across the circle to me. The others all watch.

“What is it?” I ask. I wonder if I’m being drawn into some ritual, if this is a plan to make me one of them. There are stories of potions and moonlight ceremonies. Some werewolves are born, others are made.

“Drink,” says Alpha.

I tip up the flask and take a mouthful. Warmth fills my mouth and then spreads through my chest and body.

“Whiskey?” I ask.

Scotch, Linda tells me. “It’s tradition but for you I brought the good stuff, the twelve-year old single malt.”

I feel honored. I pass the flask to Larry who shakes his head and motions to Beta who takes it and has a long pull. Cathy and Linda receive it next and then it goes back to Alpha who then hands it to me. This time after I drink I hand it to Beta, and it makes the same round again two more times before Cathy turns it over.

“Time for bed,” says Alpha.

I climb up to my tent. Behind me the lamp is turned off. As I crawl into my sleeping bag I hear murmurs. I feel like a kid who’s been sent to his room so the grownups can talk. I keep the tent flap open but they’re all in darkness now. The waxing moon is just visible through the trees on the horizon but doesn’t cast enough light. And then, somehow, I sleep.

For a moment I’m not sure where I am. The moon is directly overhead now. I hear rustling and can make out shadows moving. I flick on my flashlight and aim it at the clearing below. There are blankets spread out but I see no one. As I raise the light bright green eyes shine back at me. Against the stars I see the silhouettes of hunched figures. There’s a crackle of leaves then the scream of a rabbit.

I can’t move. I am unarmed and alone.

A long howl echoes from the hills around me.

werewolf1

Not All Facts Are True.

Source: Goodreads

Source: Goodreads

True Stories Behind Common Urban Legends

The Legend: The Vanishing Hitchhiker

A driver picks up a young woman hitchhiking. The driver takes her to the address she’s given but finds on arrival that she’s disappeared. The driver goes to the house, knocks on the door, and is informed that a young woman of that name and description died. There are many variations with the time of the young woman’s death ranging from one year to twenty years earlier.

The Truth

Magician’s assistant Beatrice Weir (September 5, 1897-June 30th, 1987) was an accomplished escape artist and magician in her own right. Frustrated in her efforts to gain recognition in a the male-dominated field she attempted to generate publicity for her performances by playing “The Vanishing Hitchhiker” trick on unsuspecting motorists, leaving her card behind. Her efforts were unsuccessful and caused more confusion and concern than positive publicity. She would eventually quit magic to pursue a career as a corporate accountant. In her later years she retired to Uruguay after embezzling more than three quarters of a million dollars from several companies. Described in her will as her “best disappearing act” the money has never been recovered.

The Legend: The Killer In The Backseat

A young woman pulls into a gas station. After she’s fueled her car the attendant calls her into the station, claiming a problem with her credit card or other concern. In earlier versions he claims to have noticed something wrong with her car or that she’s handed him a counterfeit twenty. In many variants she finds something about the attendant disturbing and is afraid to be alone with him. Once inside the station he informs her he’s called the police because there’s a stranger in her backseat. The attendant either noticed the stranger slip into the vehicle or saw him while filling the gas tank. Either way tragedy is averted.

The Truth

Journalist Eunice Phelan dropped her car at a service station for an oil change. She picked it up later in the same day and noticed one of the technicians asleep in the backseat. She would turn the incident into her first crime novel, Trunk Show, published in 1977. The novel follows police efforts to find a killer who selects victims by hiding in the back seats of cars. Although fiction in second and third hand retellings people began claiming the event had actually happened to an acquaintance.

The Legend: Alligators In The Sewers

New Yorkers returning from Florida vacations with baby alligators find the pets too much to handle and flush them down the toilet. The alligators then grow to adulthood and infest the sewers.

The Truth

In late March 1957 a handful of New York City Sanitation Department employees “borrowed” three adult alligators from the Bronx Zoo for a planned April Fools’ joke. The reptiles escaped and spread quickly, feeding on rats, stray cats and dogs, and, in a tragic incident, several Rotary Club members. The alligators proved difficult to eradicate. Animal control employees conducted semi-annual sweeps over several decades. Officials are currently happy to report that an alligator has not been seen in New York City sewers since 2013.

The Legend: The Babysitter Cooks The Baby

Frustrated or intoxicated a babysitter puts the baby in the oven and cooks it. In later versions the baby is cooked in a microwave. When the parents come home the babysitter presents them with “a special dish”.

The Truth

Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal” was intended as satire but taken seriously by some English landholders. Chester Easham, Seventh Earl of Wessex, reportedly ate more than twenty children alone. Some were mere newborns but Easham is said to have preferred them “on puberty’s eve”. Fearing a backlash King George II had a story planted in The Times of Dublin that placed the blame on incompetent maids and greedy scullery maids.

The Legend: Black Market Organ Harvest

A young man traveling alone joins a group of strangers at a club. They drink and party late into the night. At some point he is drugged and has no memory of anything until the next morning when he awakes in a bathtub filled with ice. A note informs him both his kidneys have been removed. In some versions a phone is placed within his reach so he can call the police. The thieves are never caught and his kidneys presumably go to wealthy individuals in need of a donor.

The Truth

In 1986 Heaverton University student David Kimson wanted to donate one of his kidneys to his girlfriend. Concerned about the cost he convinced friend and pre-med student Kevin Jenkins to put together a rudimentary operating room in a hotel bathroom and perform the surgery there. In spite of flunking his classes and planning to drop out Jenkins agreed to perform the surgery. Unfortunately instead of a kidney Jenkins removed his friend’s prostate. Kimson refused to press charges when police, alerted by a hotel maid, found him attempting to relieve his agony by squatting in the ice-filled bathtub in his room. Why he wanted to donate a kidney to his girlfriend remains unclear since she only had a yeast infection.

Kevin Jenkins has since kept a low profile. He resides in Titusville, Florida, where in 2004 was named Best Substitute Chemistry Teacher.

 

Colossal Bus Adventure!

Source: Wikipedia

Source: Wikipedia

As a teenager with my first computer I played a lot of text-based games. They’ve stuck in my memory, maybe because I spent entirely too much time on them. The three main ones were Colossal Cave Adventure, Planetfall, and The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy. The Hitchhiker’s game, like the novel, was written by the late great Douglas Adams, and was extremely difficult, even for fans of the books. The most seemingly inconsequential actions at the beginning of the game, such as feeding a cheese sandwich to a small dog, could have consequences much later in the game. That small things can have a large impact and you should never pass up the chance to do something nice are, I think, two major tenets of Douglas Adams’ philosophy. Colossal Cave Adventure was an open-ended fantasy treasure hunt that I never really got into. Planetfall was the one I spent the most time on. For some reason its plot of saving a lonely castaway on a distant planet appealed to me. And I was thrilled to learn the robot Floyd–spoiler alert–has to die as part of the game’s solution and will never again ask if you want to play Hucka-Bucka-Beanstalk but that’s another story.

It occurred to me while riding home one day that public transportation would make a pretty good text-based game in itself. I don’t have the computer skills to write a game but I thought it would make a funny story. So I’m foisting it on you, the patient, intelligent, thoughtful people who drop in here regularly. Even if you’ve never played any of the games I’ve mentioned you might recognize a few details.

You are standing on a desolate area of sidewalk that stretches from EAST to WEST. In front of you is YON BUS.

>BOARD YON BUS

You board YON BUS. The driver is a surly looking peasant and demands payment before he will allow you to take a seat.

>PAY DRIVER

With what?

>INVENTORY

You check your pockets. You are currently carrying KEYS, a PHONE, a WALLET, and a small amount of LUCRE.

>USE LUCRE

You don’t have enough.

The driver scowls at you.

>LOOK WALLET

Inside the wallet you find PICTURES, ID, CREDIT CARDS, a TWENTY-DOLLAR BILL, a TAKE-OUT RECEIPT, and a BUS PASS.

>USE PASS

The pass slides effortlessly through the slot in the fare machine which rings merrily.

The driver grunts and closes the door. He tells you to take a seat.

>TAKE SEAT

The only available seat is across from a woman with a small dog in her lap. The dog growls menacingly at you. However the seat is currently occupied by a cold half-eaten CHEESEBURGER.

>TAKE CHEESEBURGER

The bus lurches forward. You’d better take a seat!

>TAKE SEAT

You sit down. Unfortunately you are still holding a CHEESEBURGER. Cold sauce of an indeterminate origin trickles onto your hand.

>DROP CHEESEBURGER

You don’t see any appropriate trash receptacles and you don’t want to be guilty of littering.

>GIVE DOG CHEESEBURGER

The small dog greedily devours the cheeseburger and gives you a look of intense adoration. You will be its best friend for the remainder of the journey.

>LOOK PHONE

Your phone is the pinnacle of modern technology. You can play games, listen to songs, perform calculations, send and receive emails, or catch up on the latest news. A small icon in the upper right hand corner indicates that the only thing you can’t do with it right now is make a phone call.

>SHUFFLE SONGS

Your phone begins to play a jaunty medley of ‘80’s one-hit wonders. You lean back and enjoy the ride.

You don’t remember exiting the bus but you now find yourself in a dark cavernous room. The word DING glows from the far wall in bright red letters. Looking around you see a BAG and a JAVELIN. A grue is also in the room and advances menacingly.

>GET JAVELIN

You now have the JAVELIN. The grue continues to advance menacingly. It asks if you want to play Hucka-Bucka-Beanstalk.

>PITCH JAVELIN

With stunning accuracy you throw the javelin. The grue disappears in a cloud of greasy green smoke.

>GET BAG

You now have the BAG. It’s full of copper ducats!

>LOOK ROOM

There are no exits. The word DING continues to glow on the far wall.

>DING

The sound wakes you up. Someone has pulled the cord to request a stop. You are still on the bus and have been dreaming.

>INVENTORY

You check your pockets. You are currently carrying KEYS, a PHONE, a WALLET, a small amount of LUCRE, and COPPER DUCATS.

>EXIT BUS

You look out and realize you’ve passed your stop. The bus is now speeding along a desolate stretch of interstate. The woods are dark and likely infested with grues. Are you sure you want to stop?

>SHUFFLE SONGS

Your phone begins to play a lively medley of ‘90’s one-hit wonders.

The bus rolls into the DEPOT. The driver announces that everyone must leave the bus. Exits are BEHIND and FORWARD.

>LEAVE BEHIND

You exit the bus via the rear doors avoiding a scowl from the driver.

It will be at least fifteen minutes before the bus departs. You begin to feel hungry.

>LOOK DEPOT

You look around and see a VENDING MACHINE. Across the street is a COFFEE SHOP.

>USE VENDING MACHINE

The machine contains a delightful array of tempting snacks. Unfortunately it does not take LUCRE, TWENTY-DOLLAR BILLS, or DUCATS.

>GO COFFEE SHOP

There’s a long line at the coffee shop. You’ll have to wait and might miss your bus.

>WAIT

The line moves briskly. You get to the front and order a triple-espresso mocha topped with whipped cream, chocolate shavings, caramel drizzle, and chives. The barista hands you your DRINK and CHANGE.

>TAKE DRINK

You now have a DRINK. It weighs approximately six pounds.

>TAKE CHANGE

You now have CHANGE.

>GO DEPOT

You return to the depot with two minutes left before the bus leaves. A voice over the intercom reminds you eating, drinking, and smoking are now allowed on the bus.

>QUAFF DRINK

You guzzle the combination of coffee, sugar, and dairy in record time. You are now refreshed for the remainder of your journey!

>BOARD BUS

The driver insists you need to pay to re-board.

>ARGUE WITH DRIVER

Nice try bucko.

>USE PASS

Your pass is expired and there are no valid charges left on it.

>USE CHANGE

Luckily you received exact change at the coffee shop. You insert the correct amount in the fare taker. The driver scowls and tells you to take a seat.

>TAKE SEAT

The bus lurches forward.

>SHUFFLE SONGS

Your phone’s power is critically low and playing songs would be an unnecessary waste of power. You lean back and pretend to enjoy the ride.

Up ahead on the left you see your HOME.

>PULL CORD

You pull the cord. There is a satisfying “Ding!” An automated voice reminds you to remain seated until the bus comes to a complete stop.

>STAND UP

You are pitched forward onto your face as the bus comes to a halt. The driver cackles merrily as you pick yourself up off the floor.

>EXIT BUS

The driver scowls as you disembark.

You are standing on a desolate area of sidewalk that stretches NORTH and SOUTH. Behind you is an EERIE CASTLE. Ahead of you is HOME.

> GO EERIE CASTLE

The Eerie Castle has been bringing down neighborhood property values for years. With great sagacity you decide that midnight on a Tuesday is the ideal time to explore its premises. You enter hesitantly. The door closes behind you. Ahead you see two large eyes glowing in the darkness. You recognize the small dog from the bus, only now it is thirty-five feet tall and weighs approximately six-hundred pounds.

The dog recognizes you as the person who gave it a cold, rotten cheeseburger slathered with a sauce of pure salmonella extract and brown, slimy, rotten lettuce. It therefore considers you its best friend in the entire universe and stares at you with infinite adoration.

Obvious exits are FORWARD, BACK, and STAIRS.

> GO STAIRS

Because you forgot to activate the flashlight app on your phone you don’t see that large sections of the floor are missing. You fall into the basement and are eaten by a horde of zombie alien okapi.

You have died.

Total points: 171

Boons acquired:

‘80’s one-hit wonders medley

‘90’s one hit wonders medley

Copper ducats

Extremely large small dog

 

Let’s Brew Up A Little Something.

Source: The Ghost Diaries

Source: The Ghost Diaries

Kate: Hello, and welcome back to Cauldron Cooking, the show that puts the magic back in your kitchen. I’m your host Kate. Earlier in the show we talked about new uses for poison ivy, and I also want to tell listeners who are just tuning in that our recipe for cream of vulture soup is on the show’s website. Check it out.

All right, now it’s time to take some calls. We have Diane from Salem on line seven. Hi, Diane, what’s your question?

Diane: Hi Kate, thank you so much for taking my call. This isn’t exactly a cooking question but I have an issue with my stepdaughter and I wondered if you could suggest anything.

Kate: Oh, yes, kids. They’re always hard to deal with, aren’t they? Especially when they grow up.

Diane: Right. That’s my problem. She’s getting older and she’s starting to really get in my way.

Kate: But you don’t want to kill her.

Diane: Well, I did, but  not anymore. I’d just like something that’ll, you know, take her out of the picture.

Kate: Let me think. Okay, I have just the thing for you. We have a great recipe for a poison apple.

Diane: That won’t kill her?

Kate: No, this is perfect. It will just put her in a coma. Have you got a crypt or something where you can put her while she sleeps?

Diane: I’ve got a crystal case that rests on a plinth out in the woods.

Kate: Fabulous. She’ll be perfectly preserved there for as long as you want, and here’s the good part: she can only be revived with a kiss from a charming prince. And it’s not like there are a lot of those wandering around the forests, am I right?

Diane: Yes. That sounds absolutely perfect. Thank you so much Kate!

Kate: No problem, and good luck. Email us some pictures so we can see how it’s worked out. We’ll put them on the website. Thanks for your call, Diane.

Well, it looks like the witching hour is almost up, so I’ll just leave you with this: When shall we three meet again, in thunder, lightning, or in rain?

Of course you know it’ll be the same time next week. I’ll see you then.

Mixed Nuts.

nuts-Hey Phil. Phil, you here?

-Yeah, a little shaken, but I’m here. What’s up Wally?

-Just checking. Everything got crazy there and now it’s gone quiet. Really quiet.

-Yeah, I know. I’m okay with the quiet. Better than dealing with—

-HEY EVERYBODY! AL’S IN THE HIZZOUSE!

-Whoop. Let’s party like it’s 2006.

-GOOD ONE PHIL!

-I’m Wally.

-DON’T BE A HATER PHIL. WHERE’S MY MAN BRAZZY? BRAZZY, YOU HERE?

-Da.

-AWESOME. THIS IS MY GUY!

-Ich hasse dich so sehr.

-HE’S THE MAN, AM I RIGHT EVERYBODY? LET ME HEAR EVERYBODY SAY YEAH!

-You two want to be alone?

-DON’T BE LIKE THAT. YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU PHIL!

-I’m Wally.

-WHERE’S PHIL?

-Over here, next to your Teutonic twin.

-Ich verachte Euch alle.

-Some of us can understand you, Brazzy.

-Mein Name ist Bertholletia.

-YOU SPEAK SPANISH PHIL?

-I’m Wally. And [sigh] the most common language there is Portuguese, and anyway he’s speaking…forget it. Yes, Al. Yes I do.

-Dies ändert nichts

-COOL, COOL. WHAT’S HE SAYING?

-That you’re his best friend in the world, Al.

-HA! YOU BET I AM! EVERYBODY LOVES ME! AM I RIGHT EVERYBODY? LET ME HEAR EVERYBODY SAY YEAH!

-Wenn es einen Gott ist, werden Sie das erste zu sterben sein .

-YOU SAID IT BRAZZY! HE PHIL, HELP ME OUT HERE. WHAT’S HE SAYIN‘?

-I’m Wally.

-YEAH. WHAT’D HE SAY?

-He’s trying to butter you up.

-WHOA, HARSH BRAZZY, HARSH. I KNOW THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU MEANT BUT HARSH ANYWAY. I HAD SOME COUSINS WENT DOWN THAT WAY.

-Ich würde Sie mich zerquetschen, wenn ich könnte.

-He says he’s sorry.

-THANKS PHIL. I GOT THAT. AND BRAZZY REMEMBERS GOOBER TOO. A MINUTE OF SILENCE FOR OUR OLD FRIEND GOOBER.

-Y’all keep it down.

-WHO SAID THAT? SOUNDS LIKE GOOBER! GOOBER, YOU HERE?

-Der einzige von euch, die erträglich für mich ist.

-Y’all make more ruckus than a mess of hounds done got a possum.

-Who is that?

-Pecan.

You Have The Wrong Department.

giantMay 11th

Dear Chris,

I’m reaching out to you with this exciting new opportunity offered by Silverplate. I’m sure you’ll want to know more about it when you learn that Silverplate can increase your company’s productivity by as much as 23%. It’s really exciting. Click the link below or hit reply to learn more.

Sincerely,

Kevin Dohmase

May 13th

Dear Chris,

I know you’re busy and that’s why I thought I’d be proactive and remind you about Silverplate. It works with your schedule. That’s why you need to click the link below or just hit reply. I know you’re excited about this! I am too! Silverplate can increase your productivity by 38% or more, but you need to get back to me soon.

Sincerely,

Kevin Dohmase

May 17th

Dear Chris,

You and I both know how easy it is for things to get lost. I bet your inbox is just as cluttered as mine. But that’s why you need Silverplate.  It can cut down on what you don’t need by as much as 17% or more. Click the link or just hit reply. You can’t wait anymore on this!

Respectfully,

Kevin Dohmase

May 19th

Dear Chris,

I don’t know why you haven’t gotten back to me. It’s been a rough week, right? Well that’s why you need Silverplate. We both know it’ll increase your productivity and you can grow profits by 22% or more. Just hit reply or click the link below. It’s that easy to get started. Let’s talk soon!

Kindly,

Kevin Dohmase

May 21st

Dear Chris,

I’m going to be in your area this week and I’m willing to give you 100% of my attention if you’ll schedule a time to meet with me and talk about Silverplate and all it can do for you and your company. I think you’ll be amazed how it can assist with hiring, managing, collating, associating, generation, leveraging, synergizing, and innovating. Hit reply or click the link to set up a time that works for you.

Excitedly,

Kevin Dohmase

May 25th

Dear Chris,

You’ve been in a serious accident, haven’t you? That’s why you haven’t gotten back to me. I hate to think of you suffering. That’s why I’m here to help—with Silverplate! It can help you solve crises 12% faster or more. I’m ready to dial 9-1-1 to send emergency responders to you right this minute but I need you to reply or just hit the link below if the accident has left you unable to type.

Worriedly,

Kevin Dohmase

May 27th

Dear Chris,

What’s wrong? You know I’m here to help and I really want to help, but I can’t help you unless you’re willing to take that first step. We both know that Silverplate can do 19% more of what you really need so there’s no reason for you to not hit reply or click the link below. Don’t you think it’s time?

Impatiently,

Kevin Dohmase

May 31st

Dear Chris,

Look, if you don’t want to talk to me just say so. Did you notice there’s an UNSUBSCRIBE link at the bottom of these emails? How hard would it have been to click that link or the TELL ME MORE link or just hit reply since they’re all right there together? If you’re not interested in the 26% savings Silverplate can provide just say so.

Frustratedly,

Kevin Dohmase

June 6th

Dear Chris,

What are you, some kind of jerk or something? I thought we had a relationship here. I thought we were friends. I’m trying to help you out here. I’m giving this 123%, exactly in discounts the you’ll get with your first order from Silverplate. But if you’re a big old moron  can’t hit reply or click that link. Well I hope you’re happy with yourself. I wish I’d never heard of you.

Warmly,

Kevin Dohmase

June 6th

DEAR CHRIS,

PUTRID SACK OF ROTTING OFFAL. Something percent. Reply. Link. Whatever. Chicken jockey lips percent. Go down in flames piece of Sacramento

Fragility

Kevin Dohmase

June 7th

Dear Chris,

I am so sorry. I don’t know what cane over me. I just get so upset thinking about how much you’re missing by not using Silverplate and behaved terribly. My blood alcohol level was 16.8%–the same amount you could see in benefits with Silverplate. Let me make this up to you personally. Hit reply or click the link below to set up a time.

Regretfully,

Kevin Dohmase

June 8th

Dear Chris,

You have a right to be upset but please give me a chance to make this up to you. I wouldn’t do this for anyone but because it’s you I’m prepared to offer a 60% discount on your first Silverplate order. Reply or click the link and we can have a fresh start.

Willingly,

June 15th

Kevin Dohmase

Dear Chris,

Now I’m starting to get upset. I tried to give you some space because I know how you are but now you’ve had more than enough time. How much time? Try 77%. And that’s how much you’ve lost by not using Silverplate. This will be my final message. I’ve invested too much in this but we both know we’ve finally come to an end.

Finally,

Kevin Dohmase

June 17th

Dear Chris,

How serious am I? I’m 100% serious. Silverplate will change your life. Without it you’re nothing. If you don’t at least try it you’ll regret it. I mean really regret it. Think I’m kidding? Click the link or hit reply for proof.

Warningly,

Kevin Dohmase

June 28th

Dear Chris,

I’m sure you’ve heard by now about the tragic and sudden loss of Kevin. It came as a great shock to all of us at Silverplate, and I know it’s affected you and his other friends profoundly as well. In this time of gried we are making a special offer of 25% off all Silverplate products. This is a limited time offer but I’m sure you’ll want to take advantage of it.

Reply to this message or click the link below to find out more about the memorial arrangements for Kevin.

With great sorrow,

Susan Teheler

VP, Silverplate Inc.

July 7th

Dear Chris,

I’m Alex Prigson. I’m sure you’ve heard by now that Hoalsmacker Inc. has acquired Silverplate. We’re very excited about this new transition to a more lucrative partnership. I can assure you the standards of quality you’ve come to expect in Silverplate’s products will not change. We have big plans and the future looks bright. During the transition we’ll be offering a special percentage on new products for existing customers. I can’t disclose the exact details in this message but hit the link below or click reply and I’ll be happy to discuss the deal further.

All the best,

Alex

P.S. Kevin speaks very highly of you!

%d bloggers like this: