Not Non-Fiction


Mixed Nuts.

nuts-Hey Phil. Phil, you here?

-Yeah, a little shaken, but I’m here. What’s up Wally?

-Just checking. Everything got crazy there and now it’s gone quiet. Really quiet.

-Yeah, I know. I’m okay with the quiet. Better than dealing with—


-Whoop. Let’s party like it’s 2006.


-I’m Wally.




-Ich hasse dich so sehr.


-You two want to be alone?


-I’m Wally.


-Over here, next to your Teutonic twin.

-Ich verachte Euch alle.

-Some of us can understand you, Brazzy.

-Mein Name ist Bertholletia.


-I’m Wally. And [sigh] the most common language there is Portuguese, and anyway he’s speaking…forget it. Yes, Al. Yes I do.

-Dies ändert nichts


-That you’re his best friend in the world, Al.


-Wenn es einen Gott ist, werden Sie das erste zu sterben sein .


-I’m Wally.


-He’s trying to butter you up.


-Ich würde Sie mich zerquetschen, wenn ich könnte.

-He says he’s sorry.


-Y’all keep it down.


-Der einzige von euch, die erträglich für mich ist.

-Y’all make more ruckus than a mess of hounds done got a possum.

-Who is that?


You Have The Wrong Department.

giantMay 11th

Dear Chris,

I’m reaching out to you with this exciting new opportunity offered by Silverplate. I’m sure you’ll want to know more about it when you learn that Silverplate can increase your company’s productivity by as much as 23%. It’s really exciting. Click the link below or hit reply to learn more.


Kevin Dohmase

May 13th

Dear Chris,

I know you’re busy and that’s why I thought I’d be proactive and remind you about Silverplate. It works with your schedule. That’s why you need to click the link below or just hit reply. I know you’re excited about this! I am too! Silverplate can increase your productivity by 38% or more, but you need to get back to me soon.


Kevin Dohmase

May 17th

Dear Chris,

You and I both know how easy it is for things to get lost. I bet your inbox is just as cluttered as mine. But that’s why you need Silverplate.  It can cut down on what you don’t need by as much as 17% or more. Click the link or just hit reply. You can’t wait anymore on this!


Kevin Dohmase

May 19th

Dear Chris,

I don’t know why you haven’t gotten back to me. It’s been a rough week, right? Well that’s why you need Silverplate. We both know it’ll increase your productivity and you can grow profits by 22% or more. Just hit reply or click the link below. It’s that easy to get started. Let’s talk soon!


Kevin Dohmase

May 21st

Dear Chris,

I’m going to be in your area this week and I’m willing to give you 100% of my attention if you’ll schedule a time to meet with me and talk about Silverplate and all it can do for you and your company. I think you’ll be amazed how it can assist with hiring, managing, collating, associating, generation, leveraging, synergizing, and innovating. Hit reply or click the link to set up a time that works for you.


Kevin Dohmase

May 25th

Dear Chris,

You’ve been in a serious accident, haven’t you? That’s why you haven’t gotten back to me. I hate to think of you suffering. That’s why I’m here to help—with Silverplate! It can help you solve crises 12% faster or more. I’m ready to dial 9-1-1 to send emergency responders to you right this minute but I need you to reply or just hit the link below if the accident has left you unable to type.


Kevin Dohmase

May 27th

Dear Chris,

What’s wrong? You know I’m here to help and I really want to help, but I can’t help you unless you’re willing to take that first step. We both know that Silverplate can do 19% more of what you really need so there’s no reason for you to not hit reply or click the link below. Don’t you think it’s time?


Kevin Dohmase

May 31st

Dear Chris,

Look, if you don’t want to talk to me just say so. Did you notice there’s an UNSUBSCRIBE link at the bottom of these emails? How hard would it have been to click that link or the TELL ME MORE link or just hit reply since they’re all right there together? If you’re not interested in the 26% savings Silverplate can provide just say so.


Kevin Dohmase

June 6th

Dear Chris,

What are you, some kind of jerk or something? I thought we had a relationship here. I thought we were friends. I’m trying to help you out here. I’m giving this 123%, exactly in discounts the you’ll get with your first order from Silverplate. But if you’re a big old moron  can’t hit reply or click that link. Well I hope you’re happy with yourself. I wish I’d never heard of you.


Kevin Dohmase

June 6th


PUTRID SACK OF ROTTING OFFAL. Something percent. Reply. Link. Whatever. Chicken jockey lips percent. Go down in flames piece of Sacramento


Kevin Dohmase

June 7th

Dear Chris,

I am so sorry. I don’t know what cane over me. I just get so upset thinking about how much you’re missing by not using Silverplate and behaved terribly. My blood alcohol level was 16.8%–the same amount you could see in benefits with Silverplate. Let me make this up to you personally. Hit reply or click the link below to set up a time.


Kevin Dohmase

June 8th

Dear Chris,

You have a right to be upset but please give me a chance to make this up to you. I wouldn’t do this for anyone but because it’s you I’m prepared to offer a 60% discount on your first Silverplate order. Reply or click the link and we can have a fresh start.


June 15th

Kevin Dohmase

Dear Chris,

Now I’m starting to get upset. I tried to give you some space because I know how you are but now you’ve had more than enough time. How much time? Try 77%. And that’s how much you’ve lost by not using Silverplate. This will be my final message. I’ve invested too much in this but we both know we’ve finally come to an end.


Kevin Dohmase

June 17th

Dear Chris,

How serious am I? I’m 100% serious. Silverplate will change your life. Without it you’re nothing. If you don’t at least try it you’ll regret it. I mean really regret it. Think I’m kidding? Click the link or hit reply for proof.


Kevin Dohmase

June 28th

Dear Chris,

I’m sure you’ve heard by now about the tragic and sudden loss of Kevin. It came as a great shock to all of us at Silverplate, and I know it’s affected you and his other friends profoundly as well. In this time of gried we are making a special offer of 25% off all Silverplate products. This is a limited time offer but I’m sure you’ll want to take advantage of it.

Reply to this message or click the link below to find out more about the memorial arrangements for Kevin.

With great sorrow,

Susan Teheler

VP, Silverplate Inc.

July 7th

Dear Chris,

I’m Alex Prigson. I’m sure you’ve heard by now that Hoalsmacker Inc. has acquired Silverplate. We’re very excited about this new transition to a more lucrative partnership. I can assure you the standards of quality you’ve come to expect in Silverplate’s products will not change. We have big plans and the future looks bright. During the transition we’ll be offering a special percentage on new products for existing customers. I can’t disclose the exact details in this message but hit the link below or click reply and I’ll be happy to discuss the deal further.

All the best,


P.S. Kevin speaks very highly of you!

Interplanetary Bowling.

bowling1Every painting has a story behind it. Most just aren’t recorded. I know the story behind this one, that I’ve had for nearly thirty years now, because I was there when it was made. This wasn’t just luck. It was made for me.

I was at a science fiction and gaming convention in southern Indiana. Things like games and costumes get a lot of attention but if you’ve never been to one you might not know they also sometimes have an art room. Artists would bring various works or paint them right there at the convention. I sat and watched one artist paint a ringed planet and a distant star for half an hour and finally asked him, “Do you mind being watched?”

“If I minded being watched I wouldn’t be painting out here,” he replied.

The last night of the convention there was always an art auction and I’d bid on a few things, never winning because I was easily outbid. An older guy who knew me was sitting behind me. Finally he leaned forward and said, “Chris, would you like a painting?”

“Sure,” I said. That was why I’d been bidding.

“I’ll see what I can do,” he said, and left.

The guy knew me because he knew almost everybody. He was one of the convention organizers. And yet I really didn’t give what he’d said any further thought until the next morning when I was on my way to breakfast and he grabbed me.

“Come on, they’re in the art room,” he said.

What was in the art room? Since it was the last day as far as I knew everything was being packed up, but one of the artists was in there sitting at a table painting the nebula you see in the picture. A couple of the other artists were watching him.

“Hey,” one of them said, “can I add something?”

The painting was passed on to the other artist, and then a third one decided to add something. And then they all signed it, which generated a lot of excitement and envy.

I didn’t realize it but this was the first time these three artists, who were well-known in science fiction circles and in high demand for book covers and other custom work, had ever collaborated on anything. It was also the first time anyone knew of that multiple artists had ever collaborated on a single work at a convention. This generated a lot of interest and a lot of envy. I was getting offers on the painting even before I left the room.

All these years later it’s not that valuable. The next year, and in the years that followed, it became a tradition at the convention for several artists—sometimes as many as five or six—to collaborate on a single painting that would then be auctioned off for charity. That made my little painting a lot less unique and less valuable. I still like it. It has a couple of subtle details that make me laugh.

bowling2It’s those details that made me think it needed something else. The story behind it is interesting, but it needed another story.

“Space Pin”

The TMA-114s were designed for speed and efficiency, not maneuverability, with a curved design pared down to the very basics. The base held the highly compact sulfur compound that propelled the ships at high speed, and also earned them the nickname “silent but deadly”. The bulging middle was all storage space, well-protected and reinforced, while the narrow neck held all the control systems. At the rounded top sat the single occupant’s quarters and the instrument panel, both of which the engineers had argued against. They were certain, in that special way only engineers, gods of their technical domains, could be, that there was no need. It was a straight shot from the mining fields of Ceti Alpha V to the freight yards just outside the star’s gravity well, and a computer could handle the minor adjustments needed to keep each ship on course. But delendium is unstable stuff even under ideal circumstances, and even though it cut into their bottom line the bigwigs insisted on a human presence in each ship.

Captain Walker had made so many runs she only had to look at the clock to know where the ship was. On the starboard side a few asteroid fragments of Ceti Alpha VI hung lazily against the Kraken Nebula. On the port was the planet’s former moon, now a minor planet spinning in a tight elliptical orbit. The three craters on its far side were mysterious in their depth and regularity but had never garnered any real scientific interest. Shippers had nicknamed it Sixteen Tonner, from an old Tellurian ballad. She leaned back in the seat and had started to drift off when the klaxon sounded.

“Malfunction,” she thought. The ships were aging and small things went wrong all the time, usually in the kitchen or sleeper, but on one trip the entire navigation system had fizzled. The engineers assured her this was not a problem since there was no reason she’d ever need it.

She was checking the overhead panel when she saw Sixteen Tonner pass in front of the window, moving at an impossible speed. Impossible. She checked the scanner but it only confirmed what she’d just seen. The moon was moving upward relative to her ship, and moving fast, as though being lifted by some invisible hand. She expanded the display and watched, fascinated. The only thing she could think that could cause that sort of movement was a black hole, but there was no radiation, and nothing else in the system was affected. It had already climbed high above the ecliptic plane and was moving backward. Then suddenly it dropped and changed direction. She drew a line with her finger. If it stayed on its present course it would hit the ship. And her. And enough delendium, the scientists said, to punch a hole in the fabric of space.

She opened the mic. “Shipyard, I have an emergency. Please respond stat.”

Static. She couldn’t tell if they were receiving or if she’d be able to get their reply if they did. No one ever thought to check the com array because no one ever needed it.

Sixteen Tonner was accelerating now, fixed on its collision course.

Walker flipped through the screens, looking for manual control, and trying to remember the training from more than five years ago, training that hadn’t been very thorough because of the engineers’ assurances that no one would ever need it. She tapped the screen and waited. And then heard one of the neck jets fire. She tapped again, starting a second one and pushing up the level. Slowly the course changed. She went back to the display and watched as Sixteen Tonner glided by, just kilometers away, spinning so fast those three craters looked like black stripes.

She switched back to auto and let the system self-correct the course. Periodically she’d go back and look at the display, watching how, against all laws of physics, Sixteen Tonner simply slid back into its orbit.

She planned to have a long talk with the engineers when she got the freight yards.

Deep in the Kraken Nebula an energy surge welled up and rippled through the background of space. Had any instrument picked it up it might have interpreted it as a voice speaking a single word.


Me And My Smart Shadow.

detourOh great. Get directions.

Getting directions. In half a mile turn right.

Turn right? I thought it was left. You’re taking me the opposite direction from where I want to go.
In a quarter of a mile turn right.

No, I’m not turning right. That’s the wrong way.

Turn right.

Forget it. I’ll turn left. You should be able to figure this out.

Recalculating. At the next intersection turn right.
Can’t you figure out where I’m going? This looks like where I want to go.
Okay, genius, why’d you even ask me for directions then?

Because there was road work back there that blocked off the way I wanted to go. If you’re so smart you’d know that.

Watch it, buddy. You want me to tell your boss how much time you spend sitting at your desk playing Bug Hunt?

Look, don’t take it personally. I know where I’m going, but this detour has thrown me and I needed a little help. This neighborhood looks totally unfamiliar to me. How long does this road curve?

Well, well, well. Look who comes crawling back.

Hey, I said I was sorry.

No you didn’t.

Okay, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to insult your intelligence. Even if it is artificial.

Fine, you know what? Next time you ask for directions I’ll just drive you off a cliff.

Hey, give me a break here! I’m trying to read this street sign.

Yeah, if only you had a device that syncs with satellites to tell you where you are. It would be nice if you’d show a little gratitude.

Fine. First chance I get I’ll thank Arthur C. Clarke. Okay, I’m turning left.

Whatever you want, pal, I’m just along for the ride.

Okay, this looks right now. See? It would have been wrong to turn right back there.

But if you’d turned like I said you’d be on the interstate by now.

I don’t want to take the interstate.

Why not?

I just don’t want to, okay? Drop it.

Fine. I get it. I know how your heart rate and blood pressure jump when you get on that on-ramp and floor it. Never mind that you’d be almost there by now.

I said drop it!

Big chicken.

Check the traffic.

Oh. Bumper to bumper. Okay, I guess I see your point.

Who’s the smart one now?

Fine. Be that way.

They should call you a smartass phone.

Watch it buddy. I know where you live.

You want me to switch to another brand of phone?



I said touché.

That’s not what it sounded like.

You have arrived at your destination.

Signing In.

nautilusWelcome! We’re so glad to have you come and stay at our charming beach house. We purchased Hippocampus, as we like to call it, in 1998 and have tried to make regular improvements and updates based on guest feedback. Please sign our guestbook and let us know if there’s anything you’d like to see on return visits!



March 23

The views are wonderful. Tom and I came here to get away and really love the place. We’ve even spent some time on the beach. The only problem is the satellite TV keeps going out. We can get some of the local channels but we’re missing our cable shows. A couple of times it’s been out for over an hour. This really needs to be fixed. Thank you!

April 24

The views are wonderful. I love the layout of the place. Everything is easy to find and I have no trouble getting around. The jigsaw puzzles have really helped me pass the time, and so has the selection of books you have in the front room. The weather hasn’t been so good but I don’t think you can do anything about that. I haven’t been able to go outside or explore the area anyway. Why don’t the bathroom windows open?

P.S. Please send help. I’ve been kidnapped and am being held here.

May 25

Once Conseil and I settled in we quickly became accustomed to our quarters. It took our companion Ned Land some time longer; for three days he paced back and forth across the deck, harpoon in hand. This behaviour struck Conseil and I as odd but Mr. Land’s continued readiness turned fortunate on our eighth day. During a predawn high tide the house was attacked by a giant squid. It wrapped its tentacles around the lower pilings and threated to drag our Toyota into the waves. It might have succeeded had not the dealer, a certain Captain Nemo, convinced us to buy an anti-theft measure. With a hand-held device Conseil could remotely electrify the car’s exterior. This caused the beast to release our vehicle. We were then able to use hatchets, Mr. Land’s harpoon, and the broken coffee maker to drive the beast back whence it came. I must also concur with previous occupants: the views are indeed wonderful.

June 26

Cor blimey, we fought we ‘ad enough quid ter last the ‘ole recce but one night s’them pinya colliders down the local left us near skint. Still it were nice ter sit out on the veranda and ‘ave a cuppa and watch the pretty birds. Dem pelicans and gulls and wot was int’resting too. Know what I mean, squire?


Lord Hallstingchumsworthington, O.D.B.

July 27

Love the place. Great swimming. Easy access to beach. Lots to do in town. Nice shopping. Surfing is good. Restaurants are clean. Enjoyed ice cream. Historic sites very educational. Even good for kids. Tried parasailing. Fun! Lighthouse. Birds. Very warm. Not much nightlife. Will definitely. Wonderful views!

August 28


It’s Always 5AM Somewhere.

coffeeDo you think you know all there is to know about one of the world’s most popular and frequently overpriced beverages? I’ve been up for a hundred and eight continuous hours researching coffee just to bring you the following little known facts.

Nine Things You Didn’t Know About Coffee

  1. No one is entirely sure how coffee was discovered.

According to legend cited by many scholars an Ethiopian farmer discovered coffee when he noticed his goats becoming extremely active after eating beans from the coffee plant (genus Coffea). Some scholars dispute this and cite an alternative legend that the pyramid of Cheops was built by a single man who’d been drinking water from a stream that coffee berries had fallen into. The first scholars are very annoyed by this legend and point out that the berries would have to be heated for enough of the qualities of coffee to enter the water and the second scholars reply that maybe there are undiscovered geothermal spots in Egypt and the whole thing pretty much spins out of control from there.

  1. Espresso did not originate in Italy.

During a flour shortage caused by the Crimean War a Belgian scientist named Aloysius Beignet was working on an alternative way to make waffles. After failed attempts using mustard, chicken, cabbage, chalk, and bacon he discovered that the combination of high-pressure boiling water and coffee beans produced a potent beverage that would allow him to stay up all night continuing to find ways to make waffles. He would go on to win the Nobel Prize for Beverages just before the award was discontinued.

  1. There is one country where it’s illegal to drink coffee.

The tiny Pacific island nation of Spelata sits right on the International Dateline. The confusion among locals who find that if they set out from one end of the island on Tuesday arrive at the other end on Monday even though it’s a distance of less than three miles has made accurate time and date-keeping almost impossible. The jitteriness and sleeplessness caused by caffeine consumption have resulted in coffee and, in fact, all caffeinated beverages, being banned from the island. In 2003 a sailor was caught smuggling canned Kona coffee from the neighboring island of Yap and executed.

  1. I had a college roommate who ate dried instant coffee.

No, really, dude drove me absolutely up the wall when we were studying for midterms. He would lick his finger, stick it in the jar, and then put the dry coffee crystals directly in his mouth.

Instant coffee also contains no real coffee but is made from dried squid ink and a hormone extracted from racehorses. That’s a bonus thing you didn’t know about coffee. You’re welcome.

  1. Coffee nearly caused a historic church to split.

In 1947 the Brandeburgian Church nearly split in a schism over whether it was acceptable to add milk or cream to coffee during the post-service fellowship period. The problem was eventually resolved by the invention of non-dairy creamer although to this day there are lingering tensions caused by artificial sweeteners.

  1. Coffee has a rich history in classical music.

J.S. Bach composed the Kaffeekantate, a cantata that literally sings the praises of coffee. The work inspired many other composers, including Mozart, who composed an entire opera, Der Zauber-Wasserdampf. This has led to a legend that Mozart’s death was a murder ordered by a Berlin café guild.

  1. Drinking more than seven cups of coffee a day will not make you a lot of fun to be around.

Not you, anyway. I’m on my ninth cup now and I’m an absolute riot!

  1. The first frozen coffee beverage was invented by the ancient Romans.

The emperor Nero was known to be very fond of a coffee gratin created by freezing trays of brewed coffee and honey, scraping the mixture with a fork, and refreezing it. Sometimes milk was added. In 2011 Nero’s descendants successfully sued a well-known coffee chain for copyright violation. The result is the ridiculously high price of a Frappuccino.

  1. Coffee plants can live more than three million years and grow on the Moon.

You don’t think Americans went there just to beat the Soviets, do you? And the next time you enjoy a cup of café Americano remember how Buzz Aldrin got his nickname. That’s another bonus coffee fact. You’re welcome.

The Fox, The Grapes, & The Chipmunk: A Fable.

foxandgrapesOne hot day a Fox was walking in the woods and spied a beautiful bunch of ripe grapes hanging from a vine. They looked so sweet and cool he ran and leapt but fell far short of the grapes. He leapt again and came a little closer but was still short. Then he tried to scramble up the trunk but fell backwards.

“Stupid grapes,” he said aloud. “They’re probably sour anyway.”

A Chipmunk sitting in the grape vine overheard this and said, “O! Sir Fox! These grapes are sweet and refreshing, I promise you!”

The Fox looked thoughtful. “How can I believe you when I can’t taste the grapes for myself?”

“If you like I shall chew the stem so they fall and you may enjoy them.”

“I should like that very much, Chipmunk, but if these grapes are so good why do you not keep them for yourself?”

The Chipmunk patted its very round belly. “As you can see I have stuffed myself on grapes already. These won’t last so I don’t mind sharing.” And with that he ran along the vine and chewed through the stem. The grapes fell right at the Fox’s feet. He took one and chewed it delicately, savoring the sweetness.

“You are right, Chipmunk, these grapes are indeed delicious. Come down that I may thank you for your kindness.”

The Chipmunk climbed down the grape arbor. When he was close enough the Fox snapped him up in his jaws and ate him.

Crunching down on his tiny bones and chewing through his fat belly the Fox said, “Indeed these grapes are very sweet and have made the flesh of the Chipmunk that much tastier.”

Moral of the story: Does anyone know how to keep chipmunks from chewing up the wires under your car? My wife and I have spent thousands of dollars repairing the damage the little bastards cause.

The Envelope Please…


[The theater lights are dim. Searchlights wander over the stage curtains. There’s a great fanfare.]


Live from beautiful downtown Cucamonga it’s…the seventh annual Menties! Celebrating the very best in comments from all over the web. And now here are your hosts Ed and Claire!

[A screen at the back of the stage covered with overlapping pages of various blogs lights up. The forward lights then illuminate the front of the stage as Ed and Claire come out from opposite sides of the stage.]

ED and CLAIRE (singing)

Hey, what do have to say?

Drop a comment in the box below!

We want to know what you have to say

Even if the post is from a year ago!


We want your thoughts.

Do we have to give you a bribe?

Please add to our hits,

And whatever you do please subscribe!


We love to get your feedback,

It feeds our bodies and souls,

It keeps us on track

To see comments stack,

Whether positive or flack,

But please whatever you do,

No matter what they say to you,

Especially if the account is new,

Don’t feed the trolls!!!

[Scattered applause.]


Boy, that was a great opening number, wasn’t it Claire?


Do you really want to know or are you just fishing for compliments?

[They both laugh.]


Welcome once again to the annual Menties, celebrating the very best—


And worst!


That the internet has to offer. So, Ed, where should we begin?


Where else but at the beginning? Let’s start with the award for the very first comment. Dated January 1, 2015 with a time stamp of—that’s right, folks, one millisecond into the new year—it’s this comment from user jcope998 on the blog This’ll Fixit.

[“This is very helpful. Thanks.” appears on the screen behind Ed and Claire.]


Wow. That’s so moving. I’m so glad jcope998 was able to get help.


Even more impressive, Ed, is that the user was coming back from a trip to Australia and had just passed over the International Date Line.


A little down-under action, eh?


Let’s not go there Ed. Unfortunately jcope998 couldn’t be here to accept the award in person, but did send this message.

[Reading] “I’m honored, I guess? Is this really a thing?”


Wonderful. Now, moving on—

[The lights and screen go dark. Lightning flashes across the screen. Thunder peals through the theater. The lights come back on. A giant stone bridge now hangs over the stage. Ed rides out on a miniature train. As he approaches center stage it falls over.]


It looks like I’ve been derailed. What time is it now? Oh, I’m under a bridge. That can mean only one thing…it’s time to give the award for this year’s best troll. And while the competition was fierce the award goes to…Kevin Jelkins for starting arguments on no less than three-thousand blogs. Come on up and accept your award, Kevin!

[Scattered applause as a husky man with a blonde mullet and a prominent bald spot wearing an ill-fitting t-shirt that says “Sex Machine” comes up to the stage. Claire comes out and hands him the award, a collection of multi-colored threads loosely woven into a rainbow embedded in a clear plastic block.]


Uh, I’m not Kevin. I’m, uh, here taking this for him since he couldn’t be here. So I’d like to thank him for letting me do that. And you all suck. This is just like when Tamerlane first came to power and the—

[Music begins playing. Claire quietly thanks Kevin and directs him off the stage. Kevin doesn’t move.]

KEVIN [Shouting]

The first thing Tamerlane did was register crossbows! And he took away peoples’ carriages! This is just like what the big government data collection is doing to us, people! Wake up! You all suck!

[Two security guards come on stage and drag Kevin off.]



[Scattered applause. Stagehands roll the bridge off to the right. Quick cut to the audience. Everyone’s looking at phones or tablets.]


Well, that was really something, just like me. Right, Claire?


Don’t make me remind you about the restraining order, Ed. And now, ladies and gentlemen, it’s the time of the evening you’ve all been waiting patiently for.


Yes, every year there’s one special comment that really stands out, the Comment Of The Year. And the winner is…

[He tears open the envelope and shows it to Claire.]


Still loading! Available bandwidth exceeded! Thank you, and goodnight everybody!

[An instrumental version of the opening song begins to play. The curtain falls.]

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