What’s At Steak.
The other night my wife asked for Salisbury steak, the only thing to ever come out of Salisbury except for Stonehenge which, admittedly, doesn’t count, because Stonehenge has never left Salisbury and the stones that form it are from Wales anyway. And Salisbury steak isn’t really steak, either, but ground beef that’s usually swimming in brown gravy and, at least in my experience, is used to hide a great big hunk of gristle, although if it’s properly prepared this is placed in the exact middle so you can get halfway through it before you hit the chewy, tasteless center.
According to culinary history the Salisbury steak dates back to the 19th century and in fact all Salisbury steak served in American households up to 1987 was made in the 19th century and was among the first foods to be frozen commercially with the invention of electric refrigeration in the 1890s. Over one million servings of Salisbury steaks were placed, along with peas and cubed carrots, a cup of surplus potatoes that had been dried, ground into powder, bound back into a dried, solid form, used as classroom chalk, re-collected, reconstituted with water, and seasoned gently with salt, and a scoop of baked apples from the disastrous Apple Surplus that afflicted Washington State in the summer of 1899, all of which was placed in aluminum trays which were then sealed in cardboard boxes and placed in a storage facility in the Sierra Nevada mountains. They were then released in the early 1950’s with the widespread popularity of the television finally giving these “TV dinners” a reason to be served and, with the invention of the television tray, a place to be served.
Since the 1980’s the popularity and consistency of Salisbury steak has waxed and waned, with one of the principle ingredients from 1989 to 1991 being wax, and, from 1993 to 1994, wane, an unstable substance that disappears as soon as it’s exposed to air or anything else.
While it remains a staple of the frozen food industry to many a comfort food, particularly for those who grew up in generations where a TV dinner was a nice way to give one or both parents a break from cooking, and, for younger generations it’s a “retro dish” that, unlike some of its earlier versions, is often made with actual beef. Ironically the future of Salisbury steak may also be entirely meatless with vegetarian and even vegan versions becoming available and food scientists experimenting with various substances, including uncured, natural latex, magma, and recycled Nickelback CDs to produce the texture and lack of taste provided by the traditional gristle center.
What else does the future of Salisbury steak hold? It’s difficult to say but when I asked my wife how hers was she said, “Pretty good,” a description of Salisbury steak that hasn’t been heard since the construction of Stonehenge.
After The Fall.
When Daedalus pulled Icarus’s body from the green Aegean he tried to rearrange the boy’s mangled limbs back the way they’d looked when he was alive. Icarus had been so much like his mother: impulsive but also brave. Icarus was the one who’d sneaked out in the night, climbing over a wall of the labyrinth, to bring back feathers, canvas, rope, and wood to make pliable frames for the wings Daedalus had made for them so they could escape Crete.
Daedalus warned him not to fly too high or too low, but Icarus had been so excited to be able to soar like a bird, and when he saw a storm cloud he’d cried out, “It’s like a giant cliff! I’m going to climb it, I’ll climb higher than Zeus himself!”
Maybe that was what brought out the lightning bolt that struck him down.
Daedalus buried his son on the beach of a small island then went on to Camicus where he enjoyed the protection of King Cocalus, and, having learned to make things from Hephaestus, he kept inventing. He built baths for the royal family that tapped into the heat of the earth itself so they were always warm.
King Minos had traveled all over the Mediterranean looking for Daedalus, offering a reward to anyone who could run a thread through a sea snail’s shell, a puzzle he thought only the world’s greatest inventor could solve.
When he arrived in Camicus Daedalus came out of hiding, intrigued by the shell challenge, and he solved it by tying the string around an ant and putting a drop of honey at the very tip of the shell. Then he agreed to return to Crete but first King Cocalus offered Minos the chance to clean off. Cocalus’s three daughters took Minos to the royal baths themselves and turned the water up to scalding, then opened the drains so his remains were washed out to sea and attracted many sharks.
After that Daedalus retired and went back to live in another part of Crete, but he was lonely. With clay and sheets of metal he’d gotten from local blacksmith he built a model son and named him Deuteros. He put sand in a forge and made glass and used that as a crest in Deuteros’s head that enervated the boy’s limbs. Deuteros could walk and do simple tasks.
“Go and get water,” Daedalus would tell him, or, “Build a wall with those rocks.”
“I will do as you say, father,” Deuteros would say. That’s all he ever said, no matter what Daedalus asked him to do.
When the sun went down Deuteros would sit in a chair and stay there until daylight flooded the room and he could get up and move again.
One day a stranger came by while Deuteros was in the back chopping wood. Daedalus offered him olives, bread, and wine. After the stranger ate he said he’d been a soldier for King Minos, and that he’d been wandering ever since the king’s death, unsure, having been good and loyal to the king, of what to do.
Daedalus excused himself. He went and said, “Deuteros, go and kill the man sitting in front of the house.”
“I will do as you say, father.” Deuteros took the axe and when the man jumped up in surprise at such a strange thing, a walking statue, Deuteros buried the axe in his liver.
Now Daedalus wondered what would become of Deuteros after his death.
He was thinking about this while walking home from the market when a snake bit him. It slipped into the underbrush but he saw enough to know it was one of the poisonous ones found on the island and that he would have only a few hours to live.
Daedalus went and sat in front of his house and looked out at the sea.
Then he called Deuteros to him.
“I have one last thing to ask you,” he said. “I want you to walk straight into the water and I want you to keep walking.”
“I will do as you say, father.”
And the last thing Daedalus saw before he fell was his son’s head disappearing under the waves.
It’s Enough To Give You A Headache.
Our migraine medication is safe and non-addictive. It’s also so effective it can prevent or treat a migraine if taken up to an hour after your first symptoms, which is at least how long it will take you to open the package.
For your convenience each pill is in its own blister pack. The term “blister pack”, by the way, doesn’t refer to the way each pill is enclosed in a miniature package. It was conceived by our testing department after they decided calling it a “slip under your fingernails and cause excruciating pain pack” or “slice your arm open when the knife that’s the only thing sharp enough to pierce it slips pack” would be too long for the standard design manual.
Because we know one of the symptoms of migraines is sensitivity to light we’ve purposely coated the entire raised side of the blister pack with a highly reflective metal foil. This will make the package easy to find at three a.m when you realize that half glass of red wine you had at dinner was a mistake. You were sure would be okay, of course, because it’s been six months and you had a really rough week, but you’ve now got the warning signs of increasing pressure behind your eyeballs and zigzags across your field of vision which look sort of like reflected light.
This will also allow you to see each individual pill pocket without, of course, being able to see the pills themselves which, we’ve only just realized, makes it hard to know exactly where the pills are. To determine the location of the pills just shake the packet.
Since another symptom of migraines is vision problems which can mean hallucinations, difficulty focusing, or partial or even total blindness we really should have stopped to think before we printed the instructions for removing the pills in tiny print on each individual packet on the opposite side which is made of white cardboard reinforced with plastic. For convenience we’ll reprint the instructions here: Apply gentle pressure to force the pill out of the packaging.
We realize that “gentle pressure” is a relative term and that between the foil that can only be cut with heavy-duty shears and the reinforced cardboard is so tough your efforts to get the pill out of the packaging will probably grind it to a powder. We do not recommend trying to take the medication in powder form. For one thing you probably won’t be able to get enough of it into your mouth to make an effective dose. For another this medication is extremely bitter which will trigger or worsen the nausea which, we’ve just remembered, is another symptom of migraines.
Sometimes the pill will pop out of the packaging with the application of pressure but will snap in half. If this happens don’t worry, unless the half that pops out skitters across the floor and is picked up by your pet or toddler. Should they ingest even a partial pill we recommend you call your local poison control center immediately and also induce them to vomit. This shouldn’t be difficult since you’ll already be vomiting yourself because you’ve got a migraine. But feel free to take the other half of the pill once you’ve managed to peel away enough of the foil/cardboard.
You may be wondering why we chose to package the migraine medication in this way and it’s because we’re all about safety. Also someone in the design department was up late one night and stumbled on the Wikipedia page for the Chicago Tylenol murders and got kind of freaked out.
It might also be that the average migraine sufferer only experiences an average of two to four attacks per month. Any more than that and you’d want to take something stronger, like one of our high level pain medications which, we admit, have been shown to be highly addictive and have even led to overdoses, but which, because we care, are conveniently packaged in the traditional amber plastic bottle with a newly redesigned easy-to-open screw-top lid.
Do not take this medication if you are allergic to it or if you are unable to open the package.
Rejected by McSweeney’s.
Perennially Annual.
Facts About Dandelions:
- The common dandelion, Taraxacum officinale, is native to Europe and was introduced to North America some time in the late 18th century.
- Although technically an invasive species dandelions in North America don’t pose a threat to native plants and animals and are an important source of nectar to bees and other insects.
- Dandelions are edible in their entirety and given the ease with which they can be grown could be an important food source.
- A form of latex has been produced from cultivated dandelions that’s of the same quality of that produced by South American rubber trees but without the same environmental concerns.
- Dandelion seeds have been an inspiration to engineers who have produced small windborne sensors that can travel long distances.
- Dandelions are a sign of a diverse, healthy lawn.
- If you blow all the seeds off a dandelion head and make a wish it will come true if your wish if for more dandelions.
- Dandelion seeds are an important food source for many birds.
- My neighbor Kevin hates it when people blow dandelion seeds on or near his lawn and, really, do you need another reason?
- Dandelion wine, made famous by Ray Bradbury’s novel, is easy to make and will make you really popular at parties.
- Dandelions have never lured small children into the sewer and devoured them. You’re thinking of azaleas.
- Dandelion roots, when dried and powdered, can be used as a caffeine-free substitute for coffee.
- Dandelions are actually more closely related to housecats.
- The taproot of dandelions brings up nutrients for other shallow-rooting plants, making it an ideal companion plant.
- Dandelions were arrested on suspicion of selling knockoff foundation garments in 1923 but were ultimately cleared of all charges.
- In Belgium dandelions are known as dandepangolins.
- Dandelions are an uncredited scriptwriter for the 1936 film adaptation of the musical Show Boat, directed by James Whale.
- No one’s sure what dandelions do at night or why the shoes you left by the back door had moved three feet to the left in the morning.
- Dandelions swept the 1987 World Croquet Championships in Paramaribo.
- Dandelions are excellent swimmers. How do you think they got from Europe to North America?
- Dandelions pay back loans in a timely manner and with interest.
- Dandelions know what you did. Don’t worry–they’re not going to tell.
- Dandelions will always let you sit in the window seat on the airplane so you can see the Grand Canyon.
- If dandelions invite you out you should go. Seriously, you may not remember it but that crumpled up receipts you find in your jeans the next morning for two bottles of quality scotch, four hundred Twinkies, and a hot air balloon ride make you think it was a great night.
- Dandelions did not take down Benny “The Nose” Lewis in the infamous St. Dymphna’s Day Massacre. Again you’re thinking of azaleas.
- They’re lions and they’re dandy, hey, what’s not to like?
- Dandelions are high in vitamins. Probably. I don’t know which ones but you could look it up.
Annual Report: 2021/2022.
April 2021-The first team meeting of the new year started with assistant Joe Bertman bringing up the “Great Resignation”, the term for the large number of people reassessing their lives and leaving old, unfulfilling employment for new opportunities. Well, it wasn’t so much a discussion as just everyone sitting around thinking about a bunch of people quitting their jobs until finally someone said, “Well, anyway…” and normal work resumed.
May 2021-In previous years the team has tried to assess what exactly the best milkshake in Nashville is only to get bogged down by questions such as, should we pick a specific flavor? Should it be limited to strictly local places or chains as well? At least on the latter question everyone agreed that one fast food place—you know, the one with the creepy clown mascot, is out of the running because their milkshakes taste like the same grease they use for cooking their hamburgers and their tacos and, seriously, what kind of burger place also makes tacos? Pick a lane, creepy clown mascot.
June 2021-Carrying over the milkshake discussion the discovery that the best gyro place in town had gone out of business reminded everyone that there’d also been a previous goal of finding the best gyro in Nashville, which would be easier than the milkshakes because all gyros are pretty much gyro-flavored. But with the best place closed it didn’t seem fair to try all the remaining ones only to find the one that came in second.
July 2021-Did you know there are long-handled toenail clippers? Well, now you do. These were not actually needed for clipping toenails but the less said about that the better.
August 2021-Absolutely nothing happened in the month of August, and I mean nothing. Zip, nada, zilch, zero, nihil, nix, nowt, diddly, bagatelle, bupkis, the second half of Sartre’s best known philosophical work. This caused some panic among the staff until everyone realized how many different ways there are to say “nothing”, and everyone just kind of sat and thought about that until someone said, “Well, anyway…” and normal work resumed.
September 2021-When did every magazine in the grocery store checkout become a commemorative issue? Maybe I can find out from this copy of Entertainment Today’s special edition, “Magazines: Remember When They Printed Stuff That Happened Last Week?” that I picked up while I was buying milk.
October 2021-Slowly the shadowy figure advanced. In the gloom we could see glistening ichor, and the stench of putrescence was overwhelming. It had positioned itself between us and the cellar doors. There was no escape. It dragged itself forward across the dirt floor. I glanced up at the small window. Even if we could reach it the figure would be upon us before we could get through it. One more step and it could touch us. Reaching out with a large, claw-like hand, it said, “Can I borrow a dollar?”
November 2021-Winter officially settled in. Then it went back to fall. Or maybe it was kind of like spring. Anyway there was a short burst in there that felt a lot like summer. And then it was winter again. And then it rained and that could have happened at any time.
December 2021-Very little got done with the approaching holidays, but spirits were high, leading to an inter-office memo reminding everyone not to let spirits smoke during work hours. A sign-up sheet was sent around for anyone who wanted to donate an appendix.
January 2022-Avant de sortir de la douche, rincez rapidement vos cheveux a l’eau froide pour sceller les cuticles et preserver l’eclat de la coleur. Tout le monde y a pensé jusqu’à ce que quelqu’un dise : “Eh bien, de toute façon…” et le travail normal a repris.
February 2022-Staff decided to skip Valentine’s Day in favor of calling up radio stations and suggesting that in addition to Two-fer Tuesdays they should have One-Hit Wednesdays, Three-fer Thursdays, Fiver-Fridays, Super Saturdays, No One Listens On Sundays, and Meh Mondays.
March 2022-The final team meeting of the year started with assistant Joe Bertman mentioning that there was an American sitcom called Lab Rats and pretty much the entire cast was born after the whole senior staff graduated from high school. This prompted an emergency discussion and assistant Joe Bertman is no longer part of the senior staff.
It’s About Time.
Many years ago I wrote two poems about Daylight Savings Time: one for spring and one for fall. Now with the possibility of Daylight Savings Time ending I thought about bringing them out, but they’re both fairly pessimistic—there’s something about an arbitrary time change that reminds me of mortality, like the ocean creeping up over land, so instead here are two completely different poems from the water’s edge.
Hatteras
It was cold then too. Fires pricked the beach like scattered
Vertebrae. The beach was longer, and extended farther out. The fires
Have been drowned. The light sweeps across clumps of black seaweed before
Turning back out to sea, blinking like a distant pulsar from
Unmappable shoals of home. Danger now is translated into tiny lights
In windowless boxes and doesn’t need ridged lenses. Cold seeps away
Color. The clams along this coast are small, gritty to the teeth; the fish
Are plain. Waves are the same color as the sponges and sea cucumbers
That are the same color as the gravel bed that anchors them. Mermaids spring
From tropical mythology; there’s no reason to drown here. Day tourists
Staying in cheaper houses down the beach come in, let their eyes climb
The black swirls to the black face of the lighthouse, think of craggy men
With gray beards and naked upper lips, get in their cars, and leave.
In a few hours their minds will be thick with island pines.
Things of the past, things of the present break down. With each
Freeze and thaw the cracks have to be repainted. The gate’s locked,
The staircase unsafe in this wind. Waves creep in. Erosion
Is inevitable. Two or three times now the lighthouse has been pulled closer
To the houses it watches over. My watch stopped. I thought it was
An hour earlier, winter an hour longer, a scrap of time taken back from
Summer. Summer will come whether the watch has stopped or not, whether
The same stream of photons rushes across the water toward emptiness
As the lighthouse stands a little farther back on the prickly grass,
Or even if it falls like a sand castle built too close to the tide. The land
Drowns at the edge, as it desires.
Waterlocked
(from the painting If Once You Have Slept On An Island by James Wyeth)
If once you have slept on an island
You know there was no sleep there. The moon
Scooping the water was a hole
You slipped through into the waking
That whales catch in their ruffled throats
Before they surface. White gull cries
Trail along the watermark, become rooms.
Every room has no windows now,
And inside the basalt walls of landlocked
Breath, in motionless sleep, all land
Is an island, and eyes as blue as crabs
Look for the door that isn’t there.
The bedsheet crackles under your hand
With the approach of a storm,
Whirlpools working to the sky, hair
Departing, going up
To the other side of the sky where
Once you have slept on an island.
It’s Enough To Keep You Up At Night.
Congratulations on buying a Scanton Super Snooz Mattress! The Super Snooz Mattress is specially designed to provide full body support and temperature control while you sleep. It’s guaranteed to provide comfort and rest, ensuring you will be fully rested when you wake ready to face each new day.
You ever wonder if dogs get songs stuck in their heads?
The Super Snooz Mattress is made with a proprietary foam developed by scientists for use by astronauts and soldiers. As we’ve demonstrated in our commercials you can balance a full wine glass on one side of the bed and drop bowling balls on the other and the wine glass will remain perfectly upright. However we don’t recommend dropping bowling balls on the mattress while someone is sleeping on it.
Hey, whatever happened to Vic Tayback?
The proprietary foam the Super Snooz Mattress is made with is a special compound that is made to be fire-resistant. However it can and will burn if exposed to an open flame or other heat source.
So apparently “segmented sleep”, where some people go to sleep at, like, ten o’clock at night, then wake up at around 1 in the morning, do some stuff when it’s quiet and no one else is up, then go back to bed is a thing. About thirty percent of the population does it. Who knew? Well, about a third of the population apparently.
The Super Snooz Mattress has been clinically tested to give you the most complete night’s sleep possible, providing uninterrupted rest.
Supposedly you get weird dreams if you eat Stilton cheese before going to bed. Didn’t work for me. I mean I tried it a couple of times and all I dreamed was that I was at work and then I was annoyed when the alarm went off and I had to get up and actually go to work.
The Super Snooz Mattress is hypo-allergenic and made with sustainable fair-trade materials, and manufactured entirely in the United States of America.
Once at an entire jar of expired olives before bed and dreamed my stomach came up out of my body and we went to my old high school and watched my class put on a production of “Oh! Calcutta!”
Sleep and dreams remain mysterious even to scientists but we at Scanton, makers of the Super Snooz Mattress, continue to look for new ways to give you the best night’s rest possible.
Hey, you ever wonder who invented the pillow? Someone should look into that.
The Super Snooz Mattress is only available at specially authorized retailers or you can take advantage of our special installment plan and and have a Super Snooz Mattress specially delivered to your house and installed by our friendly professionals. However you purchase your Super Snooz Mattress it will be covered under our three-year unlimited warranty. If you’re unsatisfied with your Super Snooz Mattress for any reason you can return it for a full refund.
So I was on this website reading stuff about sleep and there was a link to an article called “Ever Tried Giving Yourself Nightmares?” And I thought, well, okay, maybe I could give it a try. I clicked the link and got “Page not found” and I don’t know if it was removed or if somebody was jerking me around.
Oh yeah, and you know that tag on the mattress that says “Do not remove under penalty of law”? You can remove it from your Super Snooz Mattress. Seriously. We won’t tell.
What It Was Was Fantasy Football: Superbowl LVI Edition.
QB-Matthew Stafford
RB-Joe Mixon
WR-Cooper Kupp
WR-Tee Higgins
WR-Odell Beckham Jr.
TE-C.J. Uzomah
LT-Andrew Whitworth
LG-Quinton Spain
RG-Austin Corbett
RT-Isaiah Prince
DE-A’Shawn Robinson
NT-D.J. Reader
DT-Aaron Donald
OLB-Von Miller
OLB-Leonard Floyd
ILB-Ernest Jones
ILB-Troy Reeder
CB-Chidobe Awuzie
CB-Darious Williams
SS-Vonn Bell
FS-Taylor Rapp
Team 2 Roster
QB-Jareth (reserve for Baron Munchausen)
RB-Xena, Warrior Princess
WR-Dejah Thoris
WR-Yog Sothoth
WR-Rincewind (filling in for Falkor, currently out with COVID-19)
TE-Sir Gawain
LT-Mongo
LG-Aquaman
C-Lessa/Ramoth
RG-The Red Queen
RT-Hellboy
DE-Eeyore
NT-Schmendrick The Magician
DT-Ningauble Of The Seven Eyes
OLB-Thorin Oakenshield
OLB-Dejah Thoris
ILB-Garet Jax
ILB-King Meshugah
CB-Floyd Lawson
CB-Sandman
SS-Damaya/Syenite/Essun
FS-Rudy Ruettiger
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The Old Snowshoe.
In just a few years Curling, which had its modern debut at the 1998 Winter Olympics in Nagano, Japan, after originally being part of the 1924 Winter Olympics, went from an obscure sport understood only by Canadians to a popular phenomenon with men’s teams, women’s teams, and mixed doubles teams playing in tournaments worldwide and still only understood by Canadians. With this remarkable success many Olympic watchers have been asking, what will be the next big breakout sport? The most obvious place to look is back at events that were once part of the Olympics but that have since been discontinued. Here are some of the top contenders:
- Bandy
Best described as “hockey with a ball” the game of Bandy is definitely one that’s been bandied about.
Pros-
Already played as a demonstration sport at the 1952 Winter Olympics
Very similar to hockey
Popular in Scandinavian countries
Cons-
Very similar to hockey
Popular in Scandinavian countries
Did I mention it’s similar to hockey?
- Skijoring
Also known as “ski driving” Skijoring is, well, water-skiing on snow, with a single skier pulled by a horse, a dog team, or a motorized vehicle. It may be a speed race or may involve jumps and tricks.
Pros-
This has a high degree of difficulty as the skier must maintain their balance while being pulled, which makes it exciting to watch.
It has a long history among the native Sami people of Norway.
The Summer Olympics have Equestrian events and this would be a good parallel.
Cons-
The Olympics have kind of an image problem and horses, or even dogs, on snow and ice could potentially put the animals in danger
The motorized version is basically what your cousin Larry did in the backyard that one winter with a brick on the pedal of his go-kart and, well, your aunt complains about the doctor bills to this day.
- Synchronized Skating
It’s exactly what it says, but, unlike synchronized diving, Synchronized Skating can have teams of up to twenty people all working in unison.
Pros-
That many people on ice working together has a big wow factor.
Similar events, although showier, are already often part of the opening ceremonies.
Cons-
That many people on sharp blades on ice moving together seriously raises the odds that someone’s going to get cut and bleed all over the ice. Also a “pro”.
- Ski Ballet
Ballet on skis. It’s the sort of thing you pretty much have to see.
Pros-
No matter what you think of ballet it has an athletic quality, requiring both endurance and control.
Cons-
Judging artistic events is subjective and therefore always controversial, and given the issues around ice skating it’s not surprising the IOC doesn’t want to add another one to the mix.
- Snowshoeing
Also known as “snowshoe running” this is a speed event that involves running in shoes specially designed for crossing snow.
Pros-
Currently part of the Winter Special Olympics
The difficulty can be appreciated by anyone who’s ever run, or just walked, in snow.
The World Snowshoe Federation has their own magazine. No, really!
Cons-
Kind of at a loss here. Seriously, this is amazing. Even with specially designed shoes crossing snow at high speed is an impressive feat. The only con here is that Snowshoeing isn’t a major Olympic event.