April 4, 1997
You may remember Ivor–the guy who e-mailed me out of nowhere sometime around the Christmas holidays and started reminiscing about wacky adventures he and I had had in Cancun. The fact that I have never been within a hundred miles of Cancun didn’t stop me–I emailed him back and asked how Gretchen and the kids were. That was the last I heard from him–until recently. Yesterday, that is, Thursday, I got another message from him. Just a quick one–it said, "Hey! Ready for the weekend? Gonna ‘pull the parachute out of kerosene’, eh? Nudge nudge!" He was probably speaking figuratively, even though I’ve never heard this expression before and have no clue what it means. Not that that ever stops me. I wrote back: "Yeah, it’s gonna be a big weekend. I’m ‘painting my hard hat pink’, if you know what I mean. I’m ‘filling my bathtub with lawnmowers’. I’m gonna ‘ignore the instructions on salt’–wink wink. I’m ‘feeding licorice to squids’. This is weekend’s gonna be a ‘tree stump full of tapioca’–right? Yeah. I’m gonna ‘strap wigs to my feet’ and ‘wallpaper the dog’. Strange–I still haven’t heard back from him. I guess I really knocked his hamster out of his cactus that time.
The Top 15 Pick-Up Lines Used by William Shakespeare
15. "How about a little Puck?"
14. "Of course, ‘Romeo and Gertrude’ is just a working title.
13. I might be persuaded to change it for you, M’Lady."
12. "Et tu, Cutie?"
11. "Shall I compare thee to a brick outhouse?"
10. "If I whispered in thine ear that thou hadst a body of beauty unknown but to the heavens, wouldst thou hold it against me?"
9. "Wouldst thou care to join me in forming the beast with two backs?"
8. "My heart, it pines, as my trousers tent."
7. "Without thine companionship, dear lady, I fearest I’d spend the evening with pen in hand, if thou knows what I mean."
6. "Hey, Baby, can Ophelia up?"
5. "Is this a dagger I see before me? Nay! I’m merely happy to cast eyes upon thy beauty!"
4. "But soft, what light through yonder trousers breaks?"
3. "Wouldst thou away to yon Motel 6 with me?"
2. "O! Prithee sitteth upon my visage, and perchance to let me divine thy weight."
and the Number 1 Pick-Up Line Used by William Shakespeare…
1. "Do me, or not do me. THAT is the question."
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
Plato: For the greater good.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken’s dominion maintained.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of black bile and a deficiency of choleric humour.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I’ll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that’s the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your framme of reference.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn’t cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Jack Nicholson: ‘Cause it (censored) wanted to. That’s the (censored) reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately … and suck all the marrow out of life.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
Ronald Reagan: I forget.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.