April 9, 1999
April is National Poetry Month. It’s also Earthquake Preparedness Month, which in itself explains why it’s Stress Awareness Month. Or maybe that’s because it’s Mathematics Education Month. It’s certainly got nothing to do with April being National Lawn and Garden Month. In case you’re keeping track, April also contains Ocean Week (12-17th), Corn Week (also the 12th-17th), End of Prohibition Day (April 7th), Professional Secretaries Day (21st), Earth Day (21st), Anzac Day (25th), Togo’s Independence Day (27th), National Day of Mourning (28th), and Arbor Day (30th). It’s also the month of Easter and Passover. Rome was founded in the month of April, the Titanic went down in April, and on April 10th, 1924, the first book of crosswords was introduced. We’ve become so weighed down by history and the need to celebrate various things that there’s no day, week, or month, that isn’t overloaded with significance. With all these things to celebrate, or, if you’re firmly anti-ocean, hate secretaries, or think Prohibition was a good idea, not celebrate, is it any wonder that now riots are a way people celebrate AND protest? Well, I’ve had enough. I say it’s about time we set aside a World Nothing Day, a day when absolutely nothing happened, happens, or will happen. Ever. Unfortunately I can’t seem to find a day that’s free. But at least all this explains April Fools’ Day.
Enjoy this week’s offerings.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA WAR OFFICE
Dept. of the Army
Regulations For Operation Of Aircraft
Commencing January 1920
1. Don’t take the machine into the air unless you are satisfied it will fly.
2. Never leave the ground with the motor leaking.
3. Don’t turn sharply when taxiing. Instead of turning sharp, have someone lift the tail around.
4. In taking off, look at the ground and the air.
5. Never get out of the machine with the motor running until the pilot relieving you can reach the motor controls.
6. Pilots should carry hankies in a handy place to wipe off goggles.
7. Riding on the steps, wings, or rail of the machine is prohibited.
8. In case the engine fails on takeoff, land straight ahead regardless of obstacles.
9. No machine must taxi faster than a man can walk.
10. Never run motor so that blast will blow on other machines.
11. Learn to gauge altitude, especially on landing.
12. If you see another machine near you, get out of the way.
13. No two cadets should ever ride together in the same machine.
14. Do not trust altitude instruments.
15. Before you begin a landing glide, see that no machines are under you.
16. Hedge-hopping will not be tolerated.
17. No spins on back or tail sides will be indulged in as they unnecessarily strain the machines.
18. If flying against the wind and you wish to fly with the wind, don’t make a sharp turn near the ground. You may crash.
19. Motors have been known to stop during a long glide. If pilot wishes to use motor for landing, he should open the throttle.
20. Don’t attempt to force the machine onto the ground with more than flying speed. The result is bounding and ricocheting.
21. Pilots will not wear spurs while flying.
22. Do not use aeronautical gasoline in cars or motorcycles.
23. You must not take off or land closer than 50 feet to the hanger.
24. Never take a machine into the air until you are familiar with it’s controls and instruments.
25. If an emergency occurs while flying, land as soon as possible.
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
9. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
10. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
11. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
12. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
13. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
14. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
15. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
16. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
17. I intend to live forever — so far, so good.
18. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
19. My mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
20. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
21. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
22. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
23. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
24. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
25. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
26. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
27. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
28. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
29. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
30. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
31. The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
32. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
33. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
34. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
35. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
36. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
37. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
38. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
39. Plan to be spontaneous — tomorrow.
40. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands …
41. If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.