June 27, 1997
Well, folks, it’s a special occasion today. Another year has gone by, and it’s my wedding anniversary again. This special Freethinker Edition is being broadcast to you from…well, my office, but I’ve got a piano player here in my office to add a note of seriousness to the occasion. I’d like to bring the room down for a moment, but then I’ll bring it right back up again with some material provided by Holly for the enjoyment of everyone. Normally I don’t disclose my sources, but, heck, what are rules for, anyway? First, though, I’ve asked Rick to play "Misty" for me. I know you’re all terribly upset that you won’t be able to hear it, but look on the bright side. None of you will have to listen to me sing.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn’t help me.
What’s another word for "thesaurus"?
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I’m leaving.
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually.
I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn’t do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said, "Cut it out!"
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I’m the only one moving.
I wrote a song, but I can’t read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
I got my driver’s license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly) . . . and says, "Here, you can go."
I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don’t understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops . . ."
I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can’t get out.
I bought some powdered water, but I didn’t know what to add.
I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I’m home now, but leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out."
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don’t have to go. You’ll just be walking down the street and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . oohh, that’s much better.
I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
My school colors were clear.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.
I’m taking La maze classes. I’m not having a baby, I’m just having trouble breathing.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend’s Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "the middle of August? Cool!"
My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."
My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
He’s in a minimum security prison now; he’s on a whiffle-ball and chain.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories . .
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers . . .
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I’m chased by a herd of deer.
I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why’d you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don’t believe everything I read."
It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks – I’m not going that far."
I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door complained. So I shot him with a gun with a silencer.
I’m a peripheral visionary.
I make my own water – two glasses of H, one glass of O.
Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don’t they just get taller ballerinas?
The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
What a nice night for an evening.
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 a minute.