Christmas Suggestions

December 20, 1995

Greetings fellow Freethinkers!

For those of you who are still reading, Merry Christmas! For those of you who will read this when you return, I hope you had a merry Christmas. Welcome to the new year. To my operatives in Sri Lanka, enjoy the Festival of Lights.

Are you having trouble finding the right book for that special someone on your list? Do you have trouble with people like me who’s birthdays come right at the worst part of the holiday season? (Pardon the shameless personal plug, but I officially hit the quarter-century mark at 11:53 today.) Or do you have children who have a hard time grasping concepts like "the Hood"? For the socially illiterate, for the gloriously politically incorrect, or for the people for whom the bargain book counter at "Everything’s A Dollar" is just too intellectual, I present the following list of suggestions. Enjoy it!

Top 26 Children’s Books *Not* recommended by the National Library Association

26. Bob the Germ’s Wonderous Journey Into and Back Out of Your Digestive System.
25. The Little Engine that Could Becomes intoxicated and Kills Civillians.
24. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer’s Games of Revenge.
23. Peter Rabbit’s Frisky Adventures.
22. Dick, Jane, and Spot Wander into The ‘Hood’.
21. Clifford the Big Red Dog Accidently Eats his Masters and is Put to Sleep.
20. Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose.
19. The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad.
18. The Tickling Babysitter
17. A Pictoral History of Circus Freak Suicides.
16. Charles Manson Bedtime Stories.
15. Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle.
14. Babar Meets the Taxedermist and Becomes a Piano.
13. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear.
12. David Duke’s World of Imagination.
11. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence.
10. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables.
9. Legends of Scab Football.
8. Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina.
7. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer.
6. Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Can’t Remember the Endings to All of them.
5. Ed Beckley’s Start a Real-Estate Empire with the change from your Mom’s Purse.
4. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy.
3. Things Rich Kids Have, but you never will.
2. Let’s Draw Betty and Veronica without their clothes on.
1. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead.

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