January 24, 1996
Folks, it has been one helluva week. Ever have one of those mornings when you think that nuclear holocaust would be an improvement?
That’s a depressing train of thought. Let’s get off that and go on with some funny stuff. Even at the worst times, we can find something good about civilisation, right? Admittedly when the first ape used a club and changed the course of evolution forever, the last thing he probably had in mind was strawberry Yoo-Hoo and Yugos.
I really meant somehow to lead up to something about society driving us to occasionally drink heavily (although I personally have cut way back on my drinking and sometimes a six-pack will last me as long as two days) because that’s what today’s bit is about. Enjoy it!
Drinker’s Fault Finding Guide
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Room is spinning.
Fault: Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution: Vomit on person doing the spinning.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Lap cool and wet.
Fault: Drooling on yourself.
Solution: Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being hijacked.
Symptom: Bar looks like a circus.
Fault: You’re at a circus.
Solution: Go to a bar.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: PANIC!
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