Friday Freethinking (part 2)

January 26, 1996

Hey, that little bit this morning was just an appetizer. After the week from Hades, you don’t think I’d let you guys off that easily, do you? I’ve actually been told by quite a few of you out there that you enjoy these "Stress Busters", so let me take this opportunity to say that if you’re ever threatened by excessive stress, stress so bad you think you’ll never survive it, who ya gonna call?

Another Freethinker out there asked me, after my diatribe on Mentos, if I had seen the commercials for Riesen chews, which are obviously made by the same advertising company. (A company that, by the way, proves that one of the dangers of mass communication is that it can allow a single individual to multiply an innocuous and potentially annoying message through others.) Yes, I have seen these commercials in which people happily eat candies that must be something other than Riesen chews. I know: I’ve eaten the damn things, and I’m amazed that the FDA allows anyone to sell hardened asphalt coated with chocolate as candy. To make it even worse, the chocolate coating becomes a thick brown liquid as soon as it hits your tongue, so while you’re pulling at your jaw to separate it from something which the packaging claims is a chewy center, this stuff dribbles out of your mouth and leaves a stain that nothing short of battery acid will take out.

Following my earlier theme of communication problems, the following is advice to be heeded by men everywhere. And women, read this carefully so next time you’ll understand why your significant others sometimes sound like complete idiots.

The 5 toughest questions women ask – and their answers

The five questions are:

1 – "What are you thinking?"
2 – "Do you love me?"
3 – "Do I look fat?"
4 – "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 – "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1 – "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

a – Baseball
b – Football
c – How fat you are.
d – How much prettier she is than you.
e – How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I’d be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2 – "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:

a – I suppose so.
b – Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c – That depends on what you mean by "love".
d – How about those Lakers?
e – Who, me?

3 – "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:

a – I wouldn’t call you fat, but I wouldn’t call you thin either.
b – Compared to what?
c – A little extra weight looks good on you.
d – I’ve seen fatter.
e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4 – "Do you think she’s prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard thay you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:

a – Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b – I don’t know how one goes about rating such things.
c – Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d – Only in the sense that she’s younger and thinner.
e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5 – "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino’s Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.
"Don’t you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn’t you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I’d remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"Of course not dear. They wouldn’t fit Sandra anyway."

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