Greetings, greetings…

January 2, 1996

I hope this installment finds everyone well and happy and probably a little heavier after the holidays, but now we can look forward to returning to more or less normal living for the next ten months and breaking all those New Year’s Resolutions we made.

Actually, I’m keeping one Resolution, one which I made while making the owners of that restaurant sorry they’d offered all-you-can-drink complimentary champagne. I resolved to send out something humorous to you guys as soon as I got back to work. Now that I’ve been here for four hours, I’m starting to feel guilty and thinking maybe this is one resolution I could keep.

I hope everyone had a happy holiday–and enjoy this guide to inter-generational conflict.

Generation X, Y, etc. Which are you?

If you answer mostly A, you’re a pre-boomer.
If you answer mostly B, you’re a Baby-Boomer.
If you answer mostly C, you’re in Generation X.
If you answer mostly D, you’re in Generation Y.

1) Who is the ideal figure of motherhood?
A – Eleanor Roosevelt.
B – Donna Reed.
C – Mrs. Brady.
D – Roseanne.

2) What did you want to be when you grew up?
A – Part of a nuclear family.
B – Someone who makes lots of money.
C – Living with your parents.
D – Living with your parents.

3) Music should be…
A – Melodic and romantic.
B – Annoying to your parents.
C – Annoying to your parents.
D – Annoying to your parents.

4) Sex is for…
A – Married couples who want to start families.
B – Anybody who wants to start a party.
C – Latex-clad partners in a labratory setting.
D – Watching on TV.

5) The scariest moment in film history was…
A – When the mummy rose from his tomb.
B – When the Blob chased Steve McQueen.
C – When the alien burst from the man’s chest.
D – When Freddy still would not die.

6) The most inspiring American is…
A – John Wayne.
B – John F. Kennedy.
C – John F. Kennedy Jr.
D – Beavis or Butt-head

7) I expect my retirement to be…
A – The golden years when I can look back on a happy, fulfilling life.
B – An opportunity to finally write my novel.
C – An agonizing slide into abject poverty.
D – A daily struggle to survive in a horribly polluted world.

8) America is becoming…
A – More impersonal.
B – More frightening.
C – More expensive.
D – More bogus.

9) The American Dream is…
A – A house with a two-car garage.
B – A healthy family.
C – Winning the lottery.
D – Touring with Metallica.

10) My college major was…
A – Business.
B – Liberal arts.
C – Secondary to my bartending job.
D – Something far, far away.

11) A good meal would be…
A – Meat and potatoes.
B – Vegetarian macrobiotic.
C – From a drive-up window.
D – Microwaveable.

12) My favorite footwear is…
A – Sensible shoes.
B – Earth shoes.
C – Converse high-tops.
D – Doc Martens.

13) I learned to drive behind the wheel of a…
A – ’53 Packard.
B – ’61 VW.
C – ’78 Pinto.
D – Sega.

14) The "woman"…
A – Marilyn Monroe.
B – Raquel Welch.
C – Julia Roberts.
D – Sheryl Crow.

15) The "man"…
A – Cary Grant.
B – Paul McCartney.
C – Eddie Vedder.
D – Bart Simpson.

16) Lost idol…
A – James Dean.
B – Jim Morrison.
C – Kurt Cobain.
D – Mario Bros.

17) My generation’s most unhealthy habit…
A – Smoking.
B – Smoking pot.
C – Smoking crack.
D – Moshing.

18) Fashion accessory best forgotten…
A – Double knit.
B – Bell bottoms.
C – Skinny ties.
D – Ridiculiously baggy pants.

19) The best way to spend a weekend is…
A – Playing golf.
B – Conciousness raising.
C – Mountain biking.
D – Internet surfing.

20) I remember where I was when…
A – The Japanese surrendered.
B – John F. Kennedy was shot.
C – John Lennon was shot.
D – O.J. took a drive.

21) Life changing movie…
A – East of Eden.
B – Easy Rider.
C – Heathers.
D – Home Alone.

22) Life-changing novel…
A – Catcher in the Rye.
B – Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
C – Bright Lights Big City.
D – TV Guide.

23) Sports hero…
A – Mickey Mantle.
B – O.J. Simpson.
C – Michael Jordan.
D – O.J. Simpson.

24) Celebrity my generation would rather not claim…
A – Joe McCarthy.
B – Barry Manilow.
C – Vanilla Ice.
D – Barney.

25) Computers are…
A – Frightening and disconcerning.
B – Complicated.
C – Part of life.
D – My only link to the outside world.

26) The father is the one who…
A – Brings home the bacon.
B – Is attuned to his sensitive side.
C – Left years ago.
D – Holds the remote control.

27) My after-college plans…
A – Work hard to help build a strong America.
B – Take my pick of many job oportunities.
C – Take my pick of many low-paying temp services.
D – Would you like fries with that?

28) My generation’s most annoying fad is…
A – Nuclear testing.
B – Hula hoops.
C – Body piercing.
D – Unemployment.

29) The voice of my generation…
A – Walter Cronkite.
B – Bob Dylan.
C – Madonna.
D – MTV VJ Kennedy.

30) My generation’s biggest fear is…
A – Heart disease.
B – Getting older.
C – Collection agencies.
D – Things that suck

Bonus: Which generation said "Never trust anyone over 30"?
A – A
B – B
C – X
D – All of them.

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