My name is Joe Friday (part 2)

March 1, 1996

I carry a badge. It was cold that morning in the city of Colombo, and there was absolutely nothing afoot. I mean it. Nothing. It reminded me of Nashville, although at least in Nashville you have country music, which is part of what prompted me to go to Colombo in the first place.

For those of you who read through this morning’s offering going, "What?" I offer this instead. Next I’ll throw out some really arcane joke about Oscar Wilde and a jockey, and how…well, we’ll leave that one for later on.

Before I leave you to it, I was asked this morning how it is that I manage to get any work done. The fact is, this is my work. The Freethinker who asked was rather surprised to find that she actually owed me several thousand dollars, since you’re all supposed to be paying me a hundred dollars a week for this service. Void where prohibited. Some restrictions apply. Your mileage may vary. Has been found to cause cancer in laboratory animals.

One more thing (yes, I’m getting Columbo, the detective, confused with Colombo, the capital city of Sri Lanka)–for those Freethinkers who are going on Spring Break this week, have a fabulous time, and take the following words of wisdom with you. And even if you don’t take these words of wisdom, make sure you take some protection.

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You can’t tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
7. The facts, though interesting, are irrelvant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today that they were before.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
20. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
24. This is as bad as it can get, but don’t count on it.
25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

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