March 1, 1996
I don’t know how many of you out there are Trekkies, but I hope that you’ll appreciate these little amusing bits anyway. And for those of you who aren’t, well, I’ll send something later on in the day.
By the way, quite a few of you out there have asked about Wednesday’s comments on salt, and why there weren’t instructions on the packet of pepper. Well, that’s simple. An illiterate person might open the packet of salt, and seeing tiny white crystals, think it’s cocaine.
The Foundation To Prevent Salt Abuse wanted to prevent that from ever happening. What has that got to do with pepper? you ask. Simple: any idiot who shoves pepper up his nose gets exactly what he deserves.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
(Star Trek Version)
Chakotay: Whatever its reason, whatever its goals, we should respect its right to cross the road and seek its own spiritual awareness.
Neelix: Actually, Captain, I’m not really familiar with the chickens in this system. But, if you can catch it, I can cook it.
Riker: I don’t know why, but I know how: with pleasure, sir.
Worf: I don’t know. KLINGON chickens do NOT cross roads.
HoloDoc: How should I know? No one tells me anything around here. I didn’t even know we added chickens to the crew. All I know is that it would have been nice, BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the road, if it had remembered to turn me off!
Dr. Crusher: If there’s nothing wrong with the chicken, there must be something wrong with the universe.
Dr. Soran: His heart just wasn’t in it. (Scenes of chicken torture with nanoprobes have been edited out.)
Scotty: Because she couldna take much morrrrrre.
Odo: I don’t know, but I’m sure it must be Quark’s fault.
Quark: Who, me?
Charlie X: Because it didn’t want to STAY…STAY…STAY…
Kirk: You chicken bastard, you killed my son…YOU chicken BASTARD, you killed…my SON…you CHICKEN bastard….youkilledmy…son!
Troi: I feel the chicken’s pain!
Kira: It was probably being chased by those cursed Cardassians.
Bones: Dammit, I’m a doctor, not an ornithologist!
Data: The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of the 20th century Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate goal should have been to traverse the distance without interception by an kind of combustion-propelled personal transport vehicle, but I am unclear as to why any kind of domesticated fowl should desire to perambulate upon a conveyance normally reserved for the usage of…yes, sir.
Dr. Bashir: It probably heard about my amazing medical skills not to mention my sexual prowess and came to get some pointers.
The Borg: Crossing the road is irrelevant. The chicken will be assimilated.
Hugh the Borg: Maybe it just needed a big hug!
B’Elanna: I’m sure it felt suffocated by all the bleeping regulations of bleeping Starfleet and just couldn’t stand it any longer!
Picard: There are four lights!
Q: Wouldn’t you like to know? Too bad your puny human brain wouldn’t be able to comprehend the answer.
Uhura: Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can ask it, sir?
Tasha: That depends…was it fully functional?
Chekov: It must have been on its way to assist in saving my life for the billionth time..did I scream this time?
Khan: With my last breath I spit at the chicken…
Harry: I don’t know, it’s my first mission.
Paris: Well, I think that…say, that’s a lovely shirt you’re wearing.
Harvey Mudd: Chicken? I don’t remember any chicken. No no no, there’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
Janeway: Its primary goal was no doubt to get back to the Alpha Quadrant…and it probably misses its dog.
Nurse Chapel: Oh, Spock!
Lwaxana: Oh, Jean-Luc!
Spock: Fascinating, Captain.
V’Ger: To join with the Creator.
The Grand Nagus: Stupid chicken! You don’t cross the road all at once! You sneak across it quietly, without anyone noticing!
Gul Dukat: Well, that’s a very interesting question…I’m sure we can work out some kind of arrangement to obtain that information that will be to everyone’s satisfaction.
Kes: It was remembering back to the times when its ancestors crossed roads all the time! They lost those abilities because they stopped using them!
O’Brien: No problem, Commander, I’ll get right on it.
Wesley: I’m not sure, but I can figure it out if I reroute these systems and reconfigure the warp field and run a complete internal whootchacallit on the computers and…
Sisko: It was seeking deeper meaning. Jake, do you see what we’ve learned from all this?
Jake: Check out the babe that just came off that transport!
Geordi: Well, wherever it’s going, I’m sure it’ll have more luck with women than I do.
Sulu: Don’t call me Tiny!
Sarek: Sometimes logic fails me where chickens are concerned.
Dax: To get to the other side. Kurzon might have disagreed with me, Tobin I’m sure wouldn’t have had a clue,and then there’s…
Tuvok: That’s not a question we’d prefer to hear from a senior officer.
It makes the junior officers nervous.
Gene Roddenberry: To boldy go where no one had gone before.