April 5, 1996
Life rarely ever goes the way you want to, doesn’t it? Whether it’s Tamil rebels or bad drivers, there’s no telling what’s going to happen next. That’s why I take comfort in remembering that everything I ever needed to know in life I learned in college: When crossing the street, ignore oncoming traffic. When people ask your opinion, they really want to hear their own. If it’s an essay test, don’t copy anyone else’s answers. Cram. Warm pizza and cold beer are good for you. We all need to sleep, and that’s why they invented classes like Breathing 101. Be nice to your roommate–you never know when you’ll need a car. If you’re going to regret doing something, do it anyway, because later on you’ll regret not doing it. Life will be fine as long as you read some and talk some and drink some and stay up late and when life gives you lemons, make pineapple juice.
And now for some more profound thoughts that someone else wrote:
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
The Lord’s Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
Half of the people in the world are below average.
There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is getting better.
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. — Mark Twain
Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn’t your pants’ zipper supposed to be in the front?
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them. — William Clayton