May 24, 1996
I’ve been a little lax about doing this, but some new Freethinkers have joined us in our little corner of the Indian Ocean, so everybody wave!
Now, what can I say about dentists that hasn’t already been said? How about: why do all dentists have turtle necks? I don’t mean the shirt–I mean necks like the ones you see on those giant Galapagos turtles. But of course you have to stare at their necks because if you turn your eyes any other way you risk burning them out by staring into that reflective light that can be moved to any angle but is always kept at the one you find most uncomfortable. The other alternative is staring into your dentist’s eyes, but this is even worse. (Actually it would be a mean trick you could play on your dentist, sort of like a laboratory rabbit giving a sad, pitifully human look to a sadistic Mary Kay cosmetics tester, but in either case the chances of evoking sympathy are low.) So, the other day my dentist was vivisecting my mouth and I was, as usual, drooling like Pavlov’s dog at a bell ringers’ choir. I’ve never understood why I do this–metal in my mouth is about as appetizing as a giant turtle, but my dentists have always had to keep their sharp iron hook in one hand and that vacuum tube in the other. Anyway, we were still at the scraping stage, and hadn’t moved on to the point when she would actually clean my teeth with mint-flavored acid paste glopped on the end of a rotating eraser, and she stuck her hook into one of my molars and couldn’t get it out. She jiggled it back and forth, twisted it around, and finally put her knee on my chest and yanked it loose. She then vacuumed all the moisture out of my mouth, flashed her little mirror on a stick around in there, and said, "Is that tooth sensitive?" Now, if I could have spoken, there are a variety of answers I could have given:
1. Yes, and I’m reporting you to Amnesty International.
2. I’m sorry, what did you say? I was trying to avoid being jabbed in the eye by that enormous black hair sticking out of your neck.
3. If I hear the tune "Singin’ In the Rain" on that scratchy LP repeat itself one more time, I’m going to kill myself!
As it was I had to content myself with a sad rabbit look, trying to evoke some sympathy, until I remembered that turtles don’t have teeth.
Donkey Racing in Texas
A priest wanted to raise money for his church and being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter him in the races. However, at the local auction the going prices for horses was so steep, the priest ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races and to his surprise the donkey came in third.
The next day, the racing form carried this headline, "PRIEST’S ASS SHOWS."
The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered him in the races again. This time he won. The form read, "PRIEST’S ASS OUT FRONT" The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race.
The headline that day was, "BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST’S ASS."
This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the priest to get rid of the animal. The priest decided to give the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day read, "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN." The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. She finally found a farmer who was willing to buy the animal for $10.00. Next the paper stated, "NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS."
They buried the Bishop the next day.