June 7, 1996
My boss occasionally makes a huge urn of coffee, sometimes for special occasions, and sometimes just for the hell of it, and, although I don’t normally drink coffee, some strange urge possesses me and I end up being the one who makes sure that none of it goes to waste. Recently I took notes during the experience, so I proudly present to you Extracts from the Diary of a Caffeine Junkie:
8:31am-The first two cups were rather pale and watery, without a lot of coffee flavor. I asked somebody about this, and they explained that it’s usually a good idea to wait for the coffee to finish brewing before drinking it.
8:53am-My mouth is starting to taste like wet cardboard.
9:15am-The fifth cup really is as good as the first!
9:45am-In a panic I rush some outgoing materials to the mailbox where they’ll be picked up in only six hours. Whew! Nothing is as exhilarating as waiting until the last minute.
9:51am-The office seems to have suddenly become filled with mannequins who look like my co-workers.
9:53am-The mannequins all now have startled expressions as they slowly turn their heads to watch me go get another cup.
10:00am-I have changed the color scheme on my computer monitor seventeen times. It’s now an attractive combination of pink, yellow, orange, and fluorescent green. Come back to Jamaica!
10:15am-I’ve done more work this morning than I’ve done all week.
10:16am-My co-workers are out to get me. I’m sure of it.
10:22am-Seventh cup. I think that’s a record.
10:31am-My entire body is shaking uncontrollably. I’ve made a list of fifty-seven possible diseases this could be a symptom of. Topping the list are encephalitis, Alzheimers, Parkinsons, typhoid, and syphilis.
10:33am-I decide to get another cup to help me understand the company insurance policy.
10:34am-While reading my company insurance policy, I notice I’m bleeding from my pores.
10:35am-False alarm! It was just the glare from my monitor which is now bright red. It’s a good thing too because my company insurance policy doesn’t mention Congo fever anywhere.
10:47am-I get one last cup. I have to tilt the urn because the coffee is not coming out as rapidly as before. Some grounds have settled to the bottom of the cup. I swallow these down.
10:48am-Who let all these damn fireflies in here?
11:16am-A co-worker comes over and starts waving a can of Fresca in my face. I drive her away by shouting "Revive with Vivarin!"
11:22am-All my strength seems to have left me. I’d check my company insurance policy to see if apathy is covered, but I really don’t care.
11:30am-Lunch. Must…drag…self…to…drink…machine…get soda…
11:32am-One Coke later, I feel much better. Suddenly I’m surrounded by co-workers. I am put on the spot, and forced to promise that I’ll switch to decaf. Yeah, I will. Just let me take a couple of No-Doz tablets first…
I hope you enjoyed that, and now for something even more interesting–analogies that are extraordinarily creative, even if they’re not exactly literary. Pay attention, folks–these are the advertising executives of the future!
Worst Analogies (taken from High School papers)
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.comaaakk/ch@ung but gets T:flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown)
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)