October 31, 1996
I was sitting here in my office looking like Harpo Marx, and suddenly realized that only a few of you can see me. The rest will have to wait for the photos to be developed. See, it’s Halloween, the absolute best holiday that you don’t get time off for, so I’ve decided to share frights and treats with all of you a day early. Specifically, I’ll be answering some questions and comments sent to me by various and sundry Freethinkers, which is a treat for you and frightening for me.
The first and most asked question is, "Is there really an Uncle Rupert?" Yes, there really is. Born on in Hopkinsville, Kentucky, Rupert Hasselberry has been on the move ever since. Whether or not he’s my uncle is a tougher question, but then in my family any older gentleman whose relationship to me is nebulous (third cousin fourteen times removed or some other distinction that only genealogists would care about) is automatically an Uncle. It should also go without saying that, as a typical Southern family, some branches twist back on themselves in frightening ways, so on the whole Rupert’s side of the family has a gene pool you couldn’t even wade in.
Next, we have a comment. While ranting and raving about my cold last week, I said I was taking fifteen million miligrams of Vitamin C. Anonymous pointed out that shorthand for that would be fifteen kilograms, or roughly thirty-three pounds. All right, I admit–it’s my secret for weight-loss. Taking that much ascorbic acid daily keeps me slim and attractive. It also makes my skin a beautiful bright orange, and gives it a nice scaly texture.
Finally, a grammatical correction. Anonymous (not the former Anonymous but a different one who…oh, you know who you are!) took exception to my use of the word "snuck". Anonymous claimed that it was grammatically incorrect. Unfortunately, he was wrong. The forms of the verb "sneak, to sneak" have been a matter of contention among philologists for years, many of whom gave up the struggle and went on to something easy, like Indo-European pre-derivatives or translating the lacunae of ancient texts. See, it really comes from the Latin verb sneco, snucere (the precise meaning of which was "step quietly", but the Emperor Flatulus, known for his liasons with his wife’s handmaids, the slaves, and certain members of the Royal Stables is given credit for the clandestine connotation), an irregular verb which, like most Latin verbs, became even more irregular as it was put into its various tenses (most people don’t realise that Latin grammatists ate lots of cheese, which is enough to make anyone both irregular and tense). And even if you don’t buy this explanation, look in the expanded version of the Oxford English Dictionary under "snuck" where it says, "snuck v. (1895) past tense of sneak, coined by Frederick Jones, who made up some cockamamie explanations for the word’s origin".
That about covers it–enjoy this week’s treat. And remember, if you have any comments, be sure to send them to Frederick Jones, c/o The Freethinkers’ Institute, Colombo, Sri Lanka.
TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Person giving you candy doesn’t fantasize you’re someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won’t last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you’re kinky.
3. Doesn’t matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex…
1. IF YOU DON’T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN
ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!