February 14, 1997
February is a weird month, especially since it’s the shortest month of the year. February has more special days packed into it than probably any other month. First there’s Groundhog Day–the second, and never in my life can I remember a time when the famous groundhog was not frightened by his shadow, signifying six more weeks of winter. You would think after millenia of this people would either shoot the groundhog or pick another animal, but snakes aren’t as cuddly and bears, like various movie stars, have been known to maim and kill photographers. Next there’s Mardi Gras. Not only is this the time when people get so drunk you’d think they were practicing for St. Patrick’s Day, it’s also the time when people do completely insane things they wouldn’t do at any other time of the year. These things almost always involve balloons, shaving cream, and donkeys. Because people–usually guys–do these idiotic things, it’s a good thing the next really special day is Valentine’s Day, when a barrage of cards, chocolates, and other goodies give the hung-over a chance to appease their significant others. In fact, very few people realize that Valentine is the patron saint of people who have done very stupid things and need otherworldly assistance when they go crawling back. So happy Valentine’s Day, everybody, and hope you don’t need the help–I understand Valentine is a little overworked this year. Enjoy the following list of statements by people who are beyond help, and how to answer them.
Pick-up lines heard around the world and possible responses
I know how to please a woman.
A-> Then please leave me alone.
I want to give myself to you.
A-> Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.
May I see you pretty soon?
A-> Don’t you think I’m pretty now?
Your hair color is fabulous.
A-> Thank you. It’s on aisle three at the corner drug store.
You look like a dream.
A-> Go back to sleep.
I can tell that you want me.
A-> Yes, I want you to leave.
Hey, baby, what’s your sign?
A-> Do not enter. Or Stop.
I’d go through anything for you.
A-> Let’s start with your bank account.
May I have the last dance?
A-> You’ve just had it.
I would go to the end of the world for you.
A-> Yes, but would you stay there?
Your place or mine?
A-> Both. You go to your place, and I’ll go to mine.
Your body is like a temple.
A-> Sorry, there are no services today.
Is this seat empty?
A-> Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
What’s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
A-> What’s it like being the biggest liar in the world?
Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
A-> Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.
If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.
A-> If I could see you naked, I’d die laughing.