April 18, 1997

Another thing I’d like to see go out with the 90’s is the urban legend. I know that every culture has its own myths and legends, but we wouldn’t still be reading _The Iliad_ if the Greeks defeated the Trojans using the "Good Times" e-mail virus. And no one really believes that a diver was inadvertently sucked up by an airplane and then dropped–along with several hundred gallons of water–on a raging forest fire, do they? Or that one grocery store beat its coupon-stealing competitor by raising all its prices to $1,000,000 plus the actual prices of its items and then giving customers coupons for $1,000,000 off? And of course the internet has made it worse by allowing these things to keep on going. They appear spontaneously, are in perpetual motion, and cannot be destroyed. If they could be harnessed, they’d be a better source of power than the one invented by that guy in Texas who created a cold fusion reaction in his garage and then mysteriously disappeared…

A few more things that should go out with the 90’s:

  • Conspiracy theories. The real conspiracy is centered around convincing people that any government or agency thereof is competent enough to do half the things they are given credit for.

  • Sequels, follow-ups, and spinoffs. Are we really so pressed for ideas that we have to base everything on something else? Oh, that reminds me, look out for next week’s edition: Uncle Rupert and Ivor get together and try to swim to Canada!

Why it takes a license to drive

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school (read: Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don’t kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

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