April 11, 1997
I was plum out of ideas this week, so hungry for something that I almost considered sending out something serious. But seriousness and Freethinkers go together like tuna fish and jelly beans. Then I remembered that this is National Poetry Month. So I dug through my archives for the spam haiku one of you sent me some time ago, and let me take this opportunity to say a sincere thank you, because they have given us the perfect way to celebrate. But before I let you see the poems themselves, I’d like to say a few words about Spam and its cousin product, the other great source of corneal protein, Treet. For those of you who have never seen Treet, it’s a cheaper version of Spam made by a different company. Treet is my personal favorite, because I always cheer for the underdog. And Treet is obviously putting some market pressure on Spam because Spam is starting to branch out into new varieties. There’s Lite Spam with less fat, Low Sodium Spam, and new Pepper Spam. Considering similar trends in product development, the future of Spam is as unlimited as its list of ingredients. We can look forward to Seasoned Spam, Cheddar Spam, Taco Spam, Sour Cream ‘n Onion Spam, Strawberry Spam, Fried Spam Sticks, Teriyaki Spam… The possibilities alone make me want to wax poetic.
Ode to Spam
Ears, snouts and innards,
A homogeneous mass–
Pass another slice.
Pink tender morsel,
Glistening with salty gel.
What the hell is it?
Cube of cold pinkness
Yellow specks of porcine fat
Give me a spork, please
Old man seeks doctor:
"I eat SPAM daily," he says
ANGIOPLASTY
Highly unnatural,
The tortured shape of this "food"
…A small pink coffin.
SPAM can do it all.
Need a fake amputation?
SPAM can do it all.
Something else to make you want to open a poetic vein:
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
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He who hesitates is probably right.
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Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Success always occurs in private, and failure in plain view.
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The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
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The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
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The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagerism; to steal from many is research.
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To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
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Two wrongs are only the beginning.
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Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.
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The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
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The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
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The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.
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