June 20, 1997
Christopher Waldrop: a man without ideas. Little does he know, though, that a bizarre and ironic adventure awaits him which involves a spaceship, two midgets, a talking doll, a car that drives itself, and a magical slot machine. Then Mr. Waldrop will discover that he really is Santa Claus. First, however, consider the following piece of information. Information which could only come to you in the Freethinker Zone.
What if we reduced the world to a village of just 1,000 people? What then? How would the numbers pan out, eh? It’s an interesting question. The answer, according to the World Village Project, is that there’d be 584 Asians, 124 Africans, 84 Latin Americans, 95 Eastern/Western Europeans, 55 (former) Soviets, 52 North Americans, 4 Australians and 2 New Zealanders. Moreover, in this village of 1,000 there’d be 330 children and only 60 people over the age of 65. There’d be seven teachers and one doctor. 70 people would own automobiles.
All questions are being answered by kids 5-10
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??
"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8)
"Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife!" (Tom, 5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for the second date." (Mike, 10)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kelly, 9)
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" (Lynette, 9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)
"I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:
"They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:
"I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when ‘The Simpsons’ is on television." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
"I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)
"Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love." (John, 9)
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)
"It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like how their hearts are…on fire." (Christine, 9)
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"?
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"It’s never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you…That’s why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)
"Don’t forget your wife’s name…That will mess up the love." (Roger, 8)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy, 8)