Beach Blanket Bull

July 11, 1997

Summertime is a time when most people think of going to the beach. However, if you can’t make it to the beach, don’t despair. Think of what you’ll be missing: shards of broken glass, crowds, sharks, hot sand on bare feet, sunburn, planes pulling banners that say, "1-800-DERMATOLOGIST", and beach pests. What is a beach pest? Let me share with you my own experience with homo vexatius subsp. litus: His name was Ralph. Ralph had dark gray hair combed straight down all around his head, horn-rimmed sunglasses, and skin with the texture of fine leather and the color of a slightly underripe strawberry. He was wearing bermuda shorts that came down to his knees, and sandals. He had on a red shirt with a tropical flower design that was stretched so tighly over his enormous, sagging torso that the thick white hairs popping out all around the neckline looked like broken guitar strings. I overheard Ralph trying to encourage a couple and their two daughters to visit a beach house that had just opened a short walk away. His voice was like a parrot’s–if a parrot could form semi-coherent sentences. He offered the family a clock, a towel, a bottle of suntan lotion, and, "just because I like you," a free 5-day trip to Orlando. At one point he asked where they were from. "Canada?!?" His voice cracked across the beach and killed a seagull in midflight. "We LOVE Canadians!" No luck. He moved on to me. Unperturbed by my knowledge of the things he would offer me–clock, beachtowel, suntan lotion, he pressed on. I then said, "I’m from Nashville. Do you love Nashvillians? Do I get a free 5-day trip to Orlando?" Ralph suddenly became aware that he was in the presence of Beach Pest Repellent. He murmured, "Come on by" and moved on to fresher meat. I later heard him setting back international relations by half a century. "Germany? We LOVE Germanians!"

Bumper Stickers

* Horn broken. Watch for finger.

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.

* All generalizations are false.

* Cover me. I’m changing lanes.

* I brake for no apparent reason.

* Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.

* I’m not as think as you drunk I am.

* Forget about World Peace…Visualize using your turn signal.

* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

* He who laughs last thinks slowest.

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

* Forget the Jones’s, I keep up with the Simpsons.

* Born free…Taxed to death.

* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

* Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

* Rehab is for quitters.

* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.

* All men are idiots, and I married their King.

* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

* Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.

* Montana — At least our cows are sane!

* I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

* If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.

* When you do a good deed, get a receipt–in case heaven is like the IRS.

* Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.

* No radio – Already stolen.

* Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

* Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have power surges.

* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

* Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

* I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

* Tell me to ‘stuff it’ – I’m a taxidermist.

* IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.

* It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

* According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.

* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

* How can I miss you if you won’t go away?

* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

* Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

* i souport publik edekashun.

* Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…

* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t

* Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

* I used to be worried about apathy. Now I don’t really care.

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