September 19, 1997
Some time ago I was appointed Office Technical Support Liason. This was despite the fact that I have only a vague idea what goes on inside computers–or maybe it was because of that. A vague idea seems to be more than most people have. Basically this is what I do: someone has a problem, I tell them to turn their computer off and turn it back on, and if that doesn’t work, I call someone who actually knows what they’re doing. For some people, though, that wasn’t enough. They should add "And Therapist" to my title. Some people seem to feel that, when their machine has problems, it’s because it doesn’t like them. I’m not really sympathetic–a machine is just a machine, but telling them that doesn’t help. Sometimes your computer has a problem that you just have to work around–it’s part of the basic setup, and it can’t be changed. Some people are the same way. Sometimes you just have to feed their neuroses. So with those people, I say something like, "Wow, looks like your ROM inducer has been infected," and then, while moving cables around, covertly turn their computer off and turn it back on again. Now, if only those people had a switch of their own…
How to keep the office on it’s toes
Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.
Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
Insist that your e-mail address be "Xena_warrior_princess@companyname.com" or "Hercules@companyname.com"
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That’s a good point Sparky." "No I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."
Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Plant a hedge around your cubicle.
The First Realizations That You’re Not In College Anymore
You’re waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.
Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.
College sweatshirts are ‘casual’ instead of dress up.
Your parents charge rent.
The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, ramen and cereal.
It’s ‘getting late’ when it’s 9:30 p.m.
Three words: School Loan Payments.
You make thousands of dollars a year – and still can’t afford that dream Porsche.
You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively.
Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the hospital by game’s end.
THEN, discussing with your friends: GPA’s, phone rates and tonsil hockey; NOW: IRA’s, Interest rates and their kid’s orthodontia.
Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.
Sneakers are now ‘weekend shoes’.
Dinner and a movie – The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Your girlfriend being pregnant brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.
Jack and Cokes become Dewars on the Rocks.
The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.
The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship.
You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter and MTV News.
Random hook-ups are no longer acceptable.
You wear more ties/skirts in a week than you even owned while taking classes.
You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.
You empathize with the characters from ‘Friends".
Football "season tickets" go FROM $75 for the season with dozens of friends TO $750 for the season with the three other guys who want to get away from the family.
Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone’s and Mad Dog.
You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.
When drinking, you say at least once per night, ‘I just can’t put it down the same as I used to’.
You are the only person over the age of 16 in your neighborhood with a Sega.