Eat lead, Comrade!

December 5, 1997

I recently discovered a way that pinball could bring about world peace. I usually only play pinball on days when I’m stressed (and when I happen to have a spare quarter or two). The other day, I tried out a new machine that had apparently been installed over the break. This game was designed to cause more stress than it could possibly relieve. The designers are headed for a lawsuit if they don’t put a sign over this machine that says, "If you are a Vietnam veteran, or suffer from any form of post-traumatic stress disorder, you may not play this game." The rocket-launch sound effects, the explosions, the electronic version of "Flying High", were enough to give anyone shell shock even without The Voice. Most pinball games have voices–they say taunting things like, "You missed!" and "Play again!" This one said, "Eat lead, Comrade!" and "Now you d-d-d-die!!!" Amazingly, though, I came away from it feeling peaceful and relaxed. During the American Civil War, an anonymous gentleman said, "If we were civilized, we’d settle this dispute with a good game of poker." But poker takes too long to learn, and it’s too easy to cheat. Pinball, on the other hand, is something the U.N. should really look into. Enjoy these holiday offerings.


Story of the Christmas Angel

Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready for his annual trip…but there were problems every where… four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule….then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit…this stressed Santa even more…when he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where…more stress.

And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys…so, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey…but he found that the elves had hit the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to drink…and in his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor… he went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door…he opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. And the angel said: "Santa, where would you like me to put this Christmas tree??"

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.


Martha Stewart’s Holiday Calendar

And You thought you were Ready for the Holiday’s?

December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3
Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7
Debug Windows ’95

December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11
Lay Faberge egg.

December 12
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31
New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

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