Freethinkers–The Final Edition

December 19, 1997

This special second edition for today is being brought to you as the last Freethinkers Anonymous Edition for 1997. And what a wild and weird year it’s been too. I hope you’ve all enjoyed it, and to conclude things, I would like to share with you this final offering that I think sums up 1997 better than anything else.

And have a happy new year, everybody!


The Year’s Best Actual News Headlines

1. Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
5. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
6. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
10. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
11. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
12. Eye Drops Off Shelf
13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids
14. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
15. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
16. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
17. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
18. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
19. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
20. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
21. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
22. War Dims Hope for Peace
23. If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
24. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
25. Deer Kill 17,000
26. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
27. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
28. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
29. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
30. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
31. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
32. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
33. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
34. Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
35. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
36. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
37. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
38. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

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