Now hiring…anybody

February 20, 1998

In my sordid past I worked for a fast food restaurant. I’m not proud of this, but what I think is strange is the application I had to fill out. They wanted to know everything about me. My education, my address, my social security number, a photo identification, where I’d worked previously…I wouldn’t have been surprised if they had run a background check on me, but why did they want to know all this about me? I was going to be restocking a salad bar for minimum wage–not handling national security documents. Were they afraid I had been convicted for doing unnatural things with lettuce? I was asked for references, and could hardly imagine what a former teacher might say if asked how well I handled a spatula. To make it even stranger, I was recently in the same restaurant, and they have significantly revised their applications. I didn’t ask for one–they put them out in open view now, and they only ask for name, address, phone number, and "special skills". I’m a little offended. I was grilled for almost an hour about why I wanted to "join the team" when now convicted felons could probably walk in off the street and be hired on the spot. What they put under "special skills" alone would be enough to qualify them: "I was noted for my attention to detail and my attention to the customers last week when I held up this place."

These Quotes were taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in a recent issue of Fortune Magazine:

  1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

  2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

  3. I Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

  4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

  5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

  6. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

  7. It’s best for employers that I not work with people.

  8. Let’s meet, so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.

  9. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

  10. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

  11. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

  12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.

  13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

  14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs … Please feel free to respond to my resume via my office voice mail.

  15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

  16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

  17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

  18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

  19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

  20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

  21. Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.

  22. Marital status: often. Children: various.

  23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

  24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

  25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.

  26. References: None. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.

Actual lines out of U.S. Military Efficiency Reports

  • Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

  • Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.

  • A room temperature IQ.

  • Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

  • A prime candidate for natural deselection.

  • Bright as Alaska in December.

  • Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

  • So dense, light bends around him.

  • If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.

  • If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.

  • Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

  • Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

  • His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

  • I would not breed from this officer.

  • He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

  • He would be out of his depth in a puddle.

  • This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

  • This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

  • Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

  • She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

  • He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

  • Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

  • This man is depriving a village somewhere of their idiot.

Results of a contest for "theories" sponsored by Omni magazine


When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.


  1. If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world’s great literary works in Braille.

  2. Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people’s ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.

  3. Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.

  4. The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater’s rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.


The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah,"the lost r’s migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."

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