March 6, 1998
With the current popularity of redneck jokes, most people have forgotten that rednecks are a universal phenomenon. Every culture and society has its own version of the redneck. The ones we joke about most are the Common Redneck (rufuscollum vulgaris) of the southeastern United States, but there are so many others. I know this because I am a student of Comparative Redneckology. I became one by accident when, in a pub, I encountered an English redneck (rufuscollum britannicus or "lager lout" as they’re commonly known). Although I didn’t know it at the time, he had the distinctive plumage: a brightly colored nylon workout suit, a long moustache and a little goatee, blonde hair that was almost nonexistent on top but really long in the back, and bloodshot eyes. After informing me that all Americans are "wankers" (if you don’t know this term, consult the nearest slang dictionary), he offered to "take care of me." He said, "I was in America the other day. Everybody was trying to sell me ice cream. But they took care of me. So I’ll take care of you. Let me know if anybody gives you any trouble, and I’ll take care of them." I was still trying to figure out how exactly he was planning to take care of me when his cab arrived. I later learned that British lager louts are, in most ways, like American rednecks, except for two things: they don’t like country music, and they aren’t a major export.
Here’s a short guide to spotting rednecks in other regions: In Russia, rednecks are "Zhirinovsky’s friends" In central Africa, rednecks are "the party currently in power" In Australia, rednecks are "the locals."
Enjoy this week’s offering.
From a book called, "Wisdom From The Walls," by Kristen Kammerer and Bridget Snyder. They compiled some really great graffiti, and here it is:
If you can piss this high, join the fire department.
– -On the wall in the men’s restroom at a height of 6 feet.
O’Ryan’s Irish Pub. Ashland, Oregon.
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.
I’ve decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
Armand’s Pizza. Washington, D.C.
If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he’d say we were stopping for ice.
Smoky Joe’s. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
Remember, it’s not, "How high are you?" it’s "Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
The Irish Times. Washington, D.C.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
Men’s Room, Linda’s Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
Men’s restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.
It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
Make love, not war. –Hell, do both, get married!
Women’s restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.
God is dead. -Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. -God
The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books. New York, New York.
A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.
Women’s restroom, Dick’s Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
Men’s restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.
What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
Men’s restroom, Lynagh’s. Lexington, Kentucky.
METHODS TO GET RID OF TELEMARKETERS
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I’m so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died…." When they get try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
If the person says he’s Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with Canter and Siegel services…. You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my God! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
Say, "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they’re trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in a sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don’t have any friends…would you be my friend?"
If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood – chicken blood too?"
Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That’s fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn’t give your credit card number to someone who’s a complete stranger.
Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How’s business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my God!!!" and then hang up.
Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don’t really want to get a call at home," say, "Ha!"