April 24, 1998
Earlier this week I had to attend a presentation. In other words, I was put in a soft chair in an overheated room with all the lights off while a soft-spoken person at the front of the room put some nice, relaxing slides up on a big screen. It was something to do with money, or how to survive in the event of a governmental collapse, or something like that. I don’t really remember because, as you can guess, I fell asleep. Now, falling asleep in presentations wouldn’t be a bad thing if my brain didn’t have an essentially mischievous nature. After all, I can always get all the information I need from the ominpresent handouts, and who doesn’t like a nap right after lunch? The trouble is my brain works very hard at convincing me I’m still awake. You’ve probably had the experience yourself. Despite all your best efforts, slowly but surely you drift off. You get the usual surreal dream stuff, but there’s just enough of what’s going on around you in there that you don’t realize you’re sound asleep. I happily went on through the presentation completely unaware that I lost consciousness somewhere around "Good afternoon…" and regained it just before, "Are there any questions?" So I didn’t understand why everyone was so surprised when I said, "I understood the variable interest fixtures, but could you explain why right after that you turned into a giant carrot?"
ONLY IN MERRY OLDE ENGLAND
This is from an actual trial in the UK.
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:
When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove swelling".
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William’s Stick Did The Trick".
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."
The case was dismissed.
I AM TIRED BECAUSE:
For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I’m tired because I’m overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of these there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so the leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and Me. And you’re sitting there playing around on your computer!