Why can’t you fall forward?

April 10, 1998

Spring forward, and fall back. Those are the rules for Daylight Savings Time. For those of you who don’t know, Daylight Savings Time is an ingenious invention that magically kicks in during times of the year when it’s light when you get up in the morning and dark when you come home from work, and makes it so it’s dark when you get up in the morning and light when you come home from work. It’s used in most places, except for hard to reach parts of the globe where civilization has not yet reached, and a large part of Indiana.

But I repeat myself. The advantage of Daylight Savings Time, whether you’re gaining an hour or losing an hour, is that for about three weeks after the change you can use it as an excuse for anything. You can come in six hours late to work, and as long as you say, "Boy, this time change has really got me screwed up," even the strictest boss will be sympathetic. You can blame everything on the time change. Well, not everything. That reminds me – I have a court appearance coming up, but if I miss it, I’ll just say I forgot to reset my watch.

Enjoy this week’s offering.

Things I’ve learned from my children (honest and no kidding)

  • There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

  • If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

  • A 4 year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

  • If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

  • It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

  • Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

  • You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

  • When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

  • A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

  • The glass in windows (even double paned) desn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

  • When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it’s already too late.

  • Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

  • A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

  • A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

  • If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak, it explodes.

  • A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

  • Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

  • Duplos will not.

  • Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

  • Super glue is forever.

  • McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.

  • Ditto Tarzan.

  • No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

  • Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

  • VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

  • Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

  • Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

  • You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

  • Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

  • Plastic toys do not like ovens.

  • The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.

  • The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

  • It will however make cats dizzy.

  • Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

  • Kids do know the difference between cigarette smoke and "other" types of smoke

  • A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly  in retrospect).

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