June 5, 1998
Years ago a comedian named Lenny Bruce said that the hippest disease you could possibly have was pellagara. Now, I hate to disagree with someone who used enough heroin to shore up the Asian economy for several decades, but I looked up pellagara, and, frankly, it doesn’t sound all that great. Pellagara’s main symptoms are dermatitis and brain dysfunction, and it was very common in the South during the Depression. Hmm–something that makes you ugly, stupid, and was common in the South. It sounds like pellagara has been replaced by country line dancing. Anyway, while I was looking that up, I decided I’d see what really were the cool diseases. Here’s what I found: First, there’s beri-beri, which has the advantage of sounding like a really hot all-girl rock band. Then there’s rickets which doesn’t sound great, but makes your legs bend so you could be a limbo champion. Finally, the greatest disease of all: scurvy. Scurvy not only has a funny sounding name, but you get to put on really wild clothes, stick a parrot on your shoulder, and walk around with an eyepatch on saying, "Har, ar, me matey." Now if that isn’t cool, I don’t know what is! And I have a feeling you’re thinking the same thing right now.
Enjoy this week’s offerings.
Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
— Bob Ettinger
I voted for the Democrats because I didn’t like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.
— Jack Mayberry
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
— Elayne Boosler
I’m half-Italian and half-Polish. So I’m always putting a hit out on myself.
— Judy Tenuta
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
— John Mendoza
I don’t know what’s wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.
— Bruce Baum
I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners.
— Jeff Stilson
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.
— Sue Murphy
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you.
— Rita Mae Brown
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
— Jerry Seinfeld
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
— Ellen DeGeneres
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
— David Letterman
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. You know a cow was murdered for that jacket? she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too."
— Jake Johansen
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
— Lily Tomlin
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here."
— Jerry Seinfeld
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God….I could be eating a slow learner.
— Lynda Montgomery
Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.
— Paul Rodriguez
And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, A Truck!
— Emo Phillips
"The dog’s kennel is not the place to keep a sausage."
— Danish Proverb
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read."
— Groucho Marx.
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
— Robert Benchley
"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."
— Jack Handy
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves."
— August Strindberg
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
— Fran Lebowitz
"Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant."
"Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
— Ann Landers
"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
— Robert A. Heinlein
"In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
— Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
— Christopher Morley
"I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
— John Steinbeck