Eau de Fluoride

July 10, 1998

So there I was in one of my all-too-frequent stays in the dentist’s chair, waiting for my teeth to be attacked by a huge metal scraper that would make Captain Hook feel insecure, and trying to ignore the rusty drill on the table next to me and what sounded like an orthodontal version of the Spanish Inquisition in the next room ("You haven’t been flossing! Confess! CONFESS!"). To prevent myself from trying to make a desperate escape, I looked at the wall and saw this helpful summer hint: "Mint toothpaste is just as good as air conditioning!" It’s 100 degrees Farenheit outside (that’s 38 degrees to those of you who think in Celsius), and not much better inside, but just get naked and smear yourself with toothpaste. Sure, it sounds crazy, but it really works! As I discovered, though, it’s a good idea to wait until you get home.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

Political Correct Terms

  • Dirty Old Man: Sexually focused chronologically gifted individual.

  • Perverted: Sexually dysfunctional.

  • Panhandler: Unaffiliated applicant for private-sector funding.

  • Serial-Killer: Person with difficult-to-meet needs.

  • Lazy: Motivationally deficient.

  • Fat: Horizontally challenged.

  • Fail: Acheive a deficiency.

  • Dishonest: Ethically disoriented.

  • Bald: Follicularly challenged.

  • Clumsy: Uniquely coordinated.

  • Body Odor: Nondiscretionary fragrance.

  • Alive: Temporarily metabolically abled.

  • Worst: Least best.

  • Wrong: Differently logical.

  • Ugly: Cosmetically different.

  • Unemployed: Involuntarily leisured.

  • Short: Vertically challanged.

  • Dead: Living impaired.

  • Vagrant: Nonspecifically destinationed individual.

  • Spendthrift: Negative saver.

  • Stoned: Chemically inconvenienced.

  • Pregnant: Parasitically opressed.

  • Ignorant: Knowledge-based nonpossessor.

Things NOT to Say to a Police Officer

  • Hey, you must’ve been doin’ at least 125mph to keep up with me!

  • Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

  • I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

  • Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

  • You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

  • "Bad Cop! No Donut!"

  • I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that’s how far I am behind the other cars.

  • You’re NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

  • "Lets do it different this time… I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow"

  • Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?

  • I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket

  • So, uh, you "on the take", or what?

  • Gee, officer! That’s terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

  • Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

  • So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn’t let you play with your gun when you were little?

  • Red light?!? Come on, that was pink!

  • Hey is that a 9 mm? That’s nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

  • When you smack me around, make sure you smile pretty for the camcorder.

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