Inspired by a story based on…

July 3, 1998

Is it just me or are there fewer TV movies these days that are "based on a true story"? For a while there, whatever the social concern du jour was, there would be at least one TV movie "based on a true story" to make us feel better about it. That meant, of course, that the people suffering the crisis were nicer than real people, better looking than anyone who has not been through unnecessary surgery, and lived perfect lives up until the big ugly whatever disrupted everything, with dramatic developments right before the commercials, before finally the whole thing resolved itself with the family, child, or individual smiling as they took the witness stand in a court case that would mean the final triumph of good over evil. That was "based on". Then, apparently because of a shortage of true stories (due to all the evil being defeated in court cases in midwestern states across the country) there were several movies "inspired by actual events." That meant that the real endings weren’t happy, but we could be "inspired" by a slight exaggeration (plus they could use the courtroom set again). Then there was "taken from real events." Not necessarily taken from the same people, but you can bet someone ended up in court somewhere along the line. And they must have smiled while in there too. Well, let me reassure you that everything you read in Freethinker’s Anonymous is not inspired by, based on, or taken from real events.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

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1. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

2. Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!

3. God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

4. I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.

5. I wasn’t born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.

6. Keep honking while I reload.

7. Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either!

8. Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

9. 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it’s an amusement park.

10. Your child may be an honor student but you’re still an idiot.

11. If you drink, don’t park. Accidents cause people.

12. If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

13. Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

14. Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

15. Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.

16. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her …or something like that.

17. Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

18. If we are what we eat; I’m cheap, fast, and easy.

19. Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!

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Norm Peterson’s Famous Quotes (from TV’s "Cheers")

"Can I draw you a beer Norm ?"
"No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."

"How’s a beer sound Norm?"
"I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."

"What’s shaking Norm?"
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

"What would you say to a nice beer Normie?"
"Going Down?"

"What’s new Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They’ve taken over my stomach & they’re demanding beer."

"What’ll it be Normie?"
"Just the usual Coach. I’ll have a froth of beer & a snorkel."

"What would you say to a beer Normie?"
"Daddy wuvs you."

"What’d you like Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What’ll you have Normie?"
"Well, I’m in a gambling mood Sammy. I’ll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."

"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."

"What’d you say Norm?"
"Any cheap, tawdry thing that will get me a beer."

"What would you say to a beer Norm?"
"Hiya, sailor. New in town?"

(Coming in from the rain)
"Evening everybody."
Everybody: "Norm!"
"Still pouring Norm?"
"That’s funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."

"Whaddya say, Norm?"
"Well, I never met a beer I didn’t drink."

"Hey Norm, how’s the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"Would you like a beer Mr. Peterson?"
"No, I’d like a dead cat in a glass."

"How’s life treating you?"
"It’s not, Sammy, but you can."

"What’s the story Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let’s cut to the happy ending."

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there’s a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I’m not here."

"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

"What’s going on Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, ‘Insert beer here.’"

"Hey Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?"
"Yep, now let’s get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?"

"What’s going on Mr. Peterson?"
"Another layer for the winter, Wood."

"What cha up to Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How’s it going Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I’m sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."

"How’s life treating you Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"Women. Can’t live with ’em….pass the beer nuts."

"What’s going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one….make that one-thirty."

"How’s it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It’s a dog eat dog world, Woody & I’m wearing Milk Bone underwear."

"What’s the story Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"How’s about a beer, Norm?"
"That’s that amber sudsy stuff, right? I’ve heard good things about it!"

"What’s going on Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is what’s going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody."

"Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early isn’t it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."