I’ve Lived All My Life In This Weird Wonderland

August 14, 1998

"I keep buying products I don’t understand. ‘Cause they promise me miracles, magic, and hope, But somehow it always turns out to be soap!" -Allen Sherman

Where would we be without commercials? I’m so grateful to commercials for finally having shown me the real way to live my life. Apparently I’ve been doing things wrong all along. Here are a few changes I’ll be making in my lifestyle, thanks to commercials:

  • Whenever I take the dog out, I’ll go in my underwear, and I’ll make sure to take along a clean pair to wave in front of the dog’s face.

  • Eating a particular brand of chips will always be accompanied by a well-choreographed but spontaneous dance routine involving every person within a six-mile radius, except for the one guy who’s eating some other brand of chips.

  • I’ll sit around and eat other brands of chips as though it’s the greatest thing in the world. Eating chips with friends will take the place of any conversation.

  • I’ll remember that some products are more important than petty things like family members or close friends.

  • Anytime I ask for anything, I’ll ask for its full brand name, and be sure to mention the name of the company that makes it, but forget to say "Please" or "Thank you". Finally, if I should happen to win the lottery, I’ll remember that wealth pales in comparison to the joy of a greasy taco made from mass-produced parts and low-grade beef, and slapped together by a kid who can barely afford to go to a state college.

Enjoy this week’s offerings–with no money down and no obligation!

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don’t have?

Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

Light travels faster than sound. Is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? (I’ve tried it, it doesn’t work)

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?


"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice"
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"Weiler’s Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.

"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway’s Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.

"Law of Drunkenness"
You can’t fall off the floor.

"Heller’s Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.

"Osborne’s Law"
Variables won’t; constants aren’t.

"Main’s Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

"Weinberg’s Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

Two blondes were walking through the woods and came upon a set of tracks. One blonde said that they were deer tracks. The other blonde said that they were moose tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit ’em.

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