Void Where Prohibited

October 9, 1998

I was at a gas station pumping gas (big surprise there) and I noticed a sign on the pump that said, "This gas is guaranteed!" Guaranteed to do what? Make the car go? Burst into flames if I throw a burning match onto it? Magically grant me the ability to rollerskate? Then, in very small print below that, was this: "Some restrictions apply." Oh, well, THAT cleared everything up. I’ll think twice about suing a big oil company if I happen to slip and break my ankle at the roller rink. On the gas pump itself was an advertisement for candy bars, and thank goodness that was there. All these years I’d thought gasoline fumes made me sick, but what it really was doing was giving me a craving for crispy chocolate and creamy peanut butter. And those advertisements go really well with the warnings about gasoline fumes causing cancer in laboratory rats. Boy, I’m getting really hungry just thinking about it. At least I assume that feeling in my stomach is hunger.

Before I share the offerings with you, here’s something completely unrelated to think about this weekend: Do national weather reporters have some kind of secret list of cute names for regions of the United States? And is there any way the rest of us can get access to this list? Or am I the only one baffled by statements like, "This storm front is going to cause trouble from the Beehive State to the Buckeyes"?

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

A magazine ran a Dilbert quotes contest. These are actual quotes from managers out there.

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems)

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.

How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.

Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in training people.

This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.

No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.

  • Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • He who hesitates is probably right.
  • Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  • Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
  • The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
  • The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  • The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
  • Two wrongs are only the beginning.
  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  • Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
  • Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.
  • Don’t sweat petty things….or pet sweaty things.
  • A fool and his money are soon partying.
  • Money can’t buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
  • Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
  • Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
  • If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
  • How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands….
  • Attempt to get a new car for your spouse–it’ll be a great trade!
  • Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
  • I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  • Everybody repeat after me….."We are all individuals."
  • Death to all fanatics!
  • Guests who kill talk show hosts–On the last Geraldo.
  • Chastity is curable, if detected early.
  • Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  • Borrow money from pessimists–they don’t expect it back.
  • Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
  • Half the people you know are below average.
  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  • And finally …
  • If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

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