November 20, 1998
Recently there have been wads of commercials for various long distance phone call savings programs gumming up the televisions normally smooth flow of inane repetitive sitcoms and commercials for even more useless services and products. As a habitual reader of fine print, I’ve been a little bit surprised that some of the competing plans are offered by the same company, but that’s a matter I’ll leave to the conspiracy theorists. Instead, I’ve turned my attention to the stories presented in the commercials themselves and to what seems to be a growing phone bill crisis. Devoting as much as five minutes per day (with the use of 25 brain cells for the first minute and only one brain cell for each additional minute) I think I’ve come up with a solution. Would you like to hear it? Here it is: if a friend is at your house, and decides right in the middle of dinner, a football game, or a wedding reception that he needs to make a long-distance phone call, TELL HIM TO GO HOME AND USE HIS OWN PHONE. I know it sounds radical, but I think it just might work.
You could, of course, suggest that he make a collect call, but probably the reason he’s trying to stick you with the bill is he used the insanely easy and inexpensive collect call services so many times he’s put all his friends and relatives in debt. If he’s really insistent about how much money he’ll save you, suggest that he save you even more by paying for the phone call himself with a credit card. That is of course, unless his cards are already maxed out from making inexpensive phone calls, which would explain why he only watches football at your house.
Before going on to this week’s money-saving offerings, I’d like everyone to say Happy Birthday to my wife Holly. Ask her which birthday this is, and you’ll receive free instructions on how many times to fold it and where to place it. As for me, I’m only going to say that I hope we have at least as many more birthdays together. Each one is better than the last.
Success of VIAGRA
With the overwhelming success of VIAGRA, the new drug for the treatment of impotence in men, there has been an interest on the part of many major companies considering a possible merger with VIAGRA’s manufacturer. The potential market for a product like VIAGRA, coupled with the established reputation of a nationally recognized company could be a goldmine – ESPECIALLY, WITH THE USE OF POPULAR COMPANY MOTTOS!!!!
Consider a merger of VIAGRA with:
AT&T whose motto is "Reach out and touch someone".
Burger King – "Home of the WHOPPER"
You get the idea.
Here are some more:
Chevrolet – "Like a ROCK".
Energizer Batteries – "Keeps on going, and going, and going……."
U.S. Army – "Be all that you can be".
Don’t forget McDonald’s, where you can "Supersize for just $0.39".
MCI can give a new twist to their "Friends & Family" circles.
With Timex, it "Takes a licking and keeps on ticking".
Les Schwab Tires offers "Free Beef".
Surge pop says "Feel the rush".
VISA – "It’s everywhere you want to be".
IBM provides "Solutions for a small planet"
With Allstate Insurance, "You’re in good hands".
The Marines are "Looking for a few good men".
Prudential Insurance says, "Get a piece of the rock."
and of course
AM/PM minimart boasts "Too much good stuff".
Women’s Snappy Comebacks
Man: "Haven’t we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine."
Man: "I’d like to call you. What’s your number?"
Woman: "It’s in the phone book."
Man: "But I don’t know your name."
Woman: "That’s in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I’m a female impersonator."
Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."
Man: "Hey, baby, what’s your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"
Man: "Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same
Woman: "Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I’m here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you’ve got both a donkey and a GreatDane?
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts."
Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you to leave."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I’d die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing."
Man: "Hey cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.."
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I’d go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let’s start with your bank account."