Jurassic Stock

February 26, 1999

Some people used to collect antiques, but the obsession with the past has reached a new height now as more and more people are collecting REALLY old stuff. Fossils and meteors have become the biggest collecting fad of the decade, and maybe even for a few decades to come because, let’s face it, ten more years isn’t going to add a lot of value to something that’s ten million years old. I heard someone on the radio claiming that $50,000 meteor they owned was "older than the solar system." If I’d been there, I could have pointed out that particles of hydrogen gas in our atmosphere are also older than the solar system. That lump of dirt stuck to your shoe is also older than the solar system, it’s just been recycled a few more times. And while we’re looking at old things, I’ve got an old picture of my grandfather taken during the Great Depression, another time when only a few people could afford to spend obscene amounts of money on things they had absolutely no use for. But I have to admit that fossils fascinate me just as much as the next guy, so I checked around to see how much, say, a complete tyrannosaurus rex would set me back, with shipping and handling. I didn’t find one, but I did find some lovely coprolites for between three and five thousand dollars. Coprolites are, of course, fossilized dung, and, at least according to what I’ve read, they’re "prized for their aesthetic value". The poet Charles Baudelaire found a lot of "aesthetic value" in rotting mammal corpes,but he didn’t put one in his living room, much less pay gobs of money to do so. The sad thing is that most of this stuff belongs in museums but ends up on coffee tables. Between the collectors and budget cuts, museums may soon be a thing of the past. Hey, maybe they’ll become collectors’ items.

Enjoy this week’s very old offerings.

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Signs the 80’s Crowd Is Getting Older

The music that was so hip and cutting edge when we were in school is now played on "Adult Contemporary" (old fart) radio.

We’ve traded in our ultra cool spandex and tight jeans for something more comfortable and ELASTIC.

You watch teen movies from the 80s and think "I don’t remember this film looking so grainy.

That computer we thought was so high tech in "Wargames" is nothing compared to what kids are being taught with in elementary school today. (This applies both to the hacker’s computer and the computers in the missile tracking room.-CW)

Your friends can’t party like it’s 1999 anymore. They can now only party until it’s like somewhere around 9 P.M. because they have to get their kids ready for school in the morning.

We are starting to be able to identify with the lyrics to the Kenny Rogers song "Twenty Years Ago."

This ones for us guys who played guitar in bands in the 80s–Now when we try to jump up in the air while playing guitar like Eddie Van Halen, our bones pop louder than our amps.

When your niece/nephew (or child) points to one of your old 45s and asks "What is this?" (You probably get the same feeling when they point to a typewriter and say, "Where’s the screen?"-CW)

You can REALLY identify with that song by the Pursuit of Happiness "I’m An Adult Now".

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Middle Age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

Then: Killer Weed
Now: Weed Killer

Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Finding a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint

Then: Moving to California because it’s cool
Now: Moving to California because it’s warm

Then: Being called into the principal’s office
Now: Storming into the principal’s office

Then: Peace Sign
Now: Mercedes Logo

Then: OJ, cutting & slashing
Now: OJ, cutting & slashing

Then: Getting your head stoned
Now: Getting your headstone

Then: "The Making of the President"
Now: The making of the President

Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux

Then: Worrying about no one coming to your party
Now: Worrying about no one coming to your funeral

Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying President
Now: Fighting to keep the lying President

Then: The perfect high
Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund

Then: Elvis in the army
Now: Elvis in a UFO

Then: Keg
Now: EKG

Then: Swallowing acid
Now: Swallowing antacid

Then: pothead
Now: potbelly

Then: Passing the driving test
Now: Passing the vision test

Then: Seeds and stems
Now: Roughage

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints
Now: Popping joints

Then: Our president’s struggle with Fidel
Now: Our president’s struggle with fidelity.

Then: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your parents
Now: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your kids

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor