Abs Of Steel, Nerves of Glass

April 16, 1999

Last week after I celebrated just a few of the reasons April is such a joyous month, someone wrote to tell me that, along with all the other things, April is Belly Awareness Month. Personally I thought belly awareness was a year-round thing, but apparently someone decided that April, when people begin shedding their thick winter clothes and working off the last of the holiday pounds, should be a special time to think about our bellies. Of course you can’t think about your belly without thinking of your belly button. Excuse me. I meant to say navel there. The phrase "belly button" makes me very uncomfortable. See, I’m extremely ticklish, and "belly button" sounds like something that you poke. It’s bad enough that the stupid thing is a repository for sweater lint and who knows what else, forcing me to do an occasional but excruciating baton act in it with an alcohol loaded cotton swab, but to imagine having it poked drives me up the wall. Who thought of the expression belly button anyway? Probably the same person who first divided them into "innies" and "outies", the latter being the only ones that really look like buttons. What happens when you press one of those? Maybe you get a prerecorded message requesting that you insert food for further information. I’d better stop this. Belly button contemplation was a big fad in the sixties, and it’s widely believed to have led to the mass insanity known as the seventies. Enjoy this week’s offerings.

"An Ode To Melissa"
(from "Sonnets from the Pentium")

How do I love thee ? Let me count the ways.
I love thee with every disc and gigabyte
My PC holds, though my friends exclaim in fright
And flee thy messages through cyberspace.
I love thee by my monitor’s steady glow,
As thou lurk through the web like a spider.
I love freely, though thou crash my provider,
And make my surfing so difficult and slow.
I love thee for thy subtlety, and thy speed,
For thou dost come disguised as friendly mail,
Then through the address book thou quickly sail,
And like a living thing thou dost then breed.
Laughing, I have read how thou now mutate!
Virus! We are forever wed! ‘Tis our fate.

You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me

I have the body of a God……………………Buddha

This would be really funny if it weren’t happening to me

So many pedestrians, so little time

I used to be disgusted, now I’m just amused

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

If we quit voting will they all go away?

Politics – from the words "poly," meaning "many," and "ticks," as in small, blood-sucking parasites"

The face is familiar but I can’t quite remember my name

He who dies with the most toys…still dies

Eat right, exercise, die anyway

Illiterate? Write for help

Honk if anything falls off

Cover me – I’m changing lanes

He who laughs last thinks slowest

He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person

This isn’t my idea of a good time

It’s been lovely but I have to scream now

Uniquely maladjusted but fun

This bumpersticker exploits illiterates

Minimum wage for politicians

Visualize using your turn signals

Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?

I haven’t lost my mind – it’s backed up on disk somewhere

Oh, evolve!

You! Out of the gene pool!

Gone crazy be back shortly

If you’re not outraged you’re not paying attention

I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to

Dyslexics of the world – untie!

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