April 23, 1999
Recently some very wise bureaucrats in San Francisco decided to take on the problem of homelessness by (I’m not kidding here) giving homeless people credit card machines. That way if you want to give a homeless guy a sizeable (and presumably tax-deductible) donation, you no longer have to fumble around in your wallet and hope he doesn’t see that embarassing twenty while you’re pulling out the torn and stained single. Now you can just whip out your credit card, let him run it through his machine, and preferably use your own pen to sign the receipt. Now the credit card that’s "everywhere you want to be" is also going to be everywhere you don’t want to be.The one that allows you to "discover the possibilities" will now also help you discover the origin of that strange smell.
Maybe it’s not such a bad idea, though. Let’s say every homeless person in the San Francisco area gets his or her own credit card machine. The main reason the majority of homeless people are homeless in the first place is because they have mental problems but, for various reasons, cannot be institutionalized. They can’t hold steady or even temporary jobs because of a severe lack of social skills. With credit card machines, however, they’ll learn a very important, very marketable skill, and at the same time they’ll forget how to handle regular money. Put these things together: impaired mental function, no social skills, and the ability to only handle credit card transactions. Yes, today’s homeless are tomorrow’s retail workers. And what will become of the current retail workers? They’ll probably end up homeless until someone comes up with a plan to give them their own credit card machines.
Enjoy this week’s offerings.
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB — $850/offer
AMANA WASHER $100.
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE…
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
FREE PUPPIES…PART GERMAN SHEPHERD – PART DOG
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT’S OWN 1988
MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED…
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK — $2000
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT — $15
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL –
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR’S DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE
OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) – $50
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED
BILL’S SEPTIC CLEANING
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
SHAKESPEARE’S PIZZA – FREE CHOPSTICKS
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT…
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE REWARD.
HUMMELS – LARGEST SELECTION EVER
"IF IT’S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
GET A LITTLE JOHN:
THE TRAVELING URINAL
HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES * CALIFORNIA GROWN –
89 cents lb.
NEVER OPENED – USED ONCE
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
60 STARS – POLE INCLUDED $100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 – $9 PER HOUR.
TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE
PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE:
PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED.
PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE.
ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT’S MADE OF 100%
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
ALZHEIMER’S CENTER PREPARES
FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL
BAR S SLICED BOLOGNA
REGULAR OR TASTY
SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
KELLOGG’S POT TARTS – $1.99 box
FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN – $2.09 lb.
The Washington Post’s "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners (1998):
Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Tatyr: a lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank.
Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn’t get it.
Contratemps: the resentment permanent workers feel toward the fill-in workers.
Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: terminal coolness.
Taterfamilias: the head of the Potato Head family.
Guillozine: a magazine for executioners.
Osteopornosis: a degenerate disease.
Burglesque: a poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)
Giraffiti: vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as the famous "Surrender Dorothy" on the Beltway overpass.
Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like a serious bummer
Glibido: all talk and no action.
Deifenestration: to throw all talk of God out the window.
Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.