Keep Off The Wet Grass

May 7, 1999

Lewis Carrol, speaking through one of his characters, said, "Every day I try to believe six impossible things before breakfast." I used to try to do this myself most days, but lately it’s just become too easy. What I mean is that we live in a world where it’s not only easy to believe the impossible, or at the very least the really really weird, but where we’re confronted with it every single day. The other day, while walking across the lovely college campus where I work, I saw three groundskeepers spraying green stuff on the lawn. It hadn’t rained for about a week, and the grass was dry and turning yellow…so they came out to paint the grass green. To make it even worse, the paint they were using smelled like a combination of turpentine and formaldehyde, with a little camphor thrown in. I almost expected to see the Queen of Hearts, or maybe the mayor, come running out screaming, "Off with their heads!" Even if that had happened, I wouldn’t have been surprised. In a world where people actually have to paint the grass green there’s no such thing as the impossible. The really strange thing is they were doing it before breakfast.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

Quick Thoughts

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

I don’t have a solution, but I admire your problem.

If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you’re ahead"?

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as "4’s"?

Whatever happened to Absorbine Senior?

Use this simple exercise to deal with stress:

Picture yourself very near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world". the soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is so clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water.

There now, don’t you feel better?

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