September 17, 1999
"A classic is a book which people praise rather than read."–Mark Twain
Remember those cheap black and yellow study guides you and your friends used in school? I’m referring to the ones that are claimed by the publishers to enhance and supplement school-assigned reading, but so thoroughly dumb down the works they cover that they replace the need for even buying the real book. That is, of course, unless you have to bring the book to class, in which case the attractive black and yellow cover reminds you that reading it is vaguely akin to criminal activity. Anyway, the times they are a’changin’, and for a new generation, these "study guides" are now available online, and they’re new and improved. Instead of just boring stuff about books and other school crap, the site also includes "study break" links to sites about music, video games, and sports. Now with a simple click of a button, students can skip reading _Frankenstein_ and instead breeze through the summary, the list of characters, and "kewl" answers they can use on essay questions. At least until their attention deficit disorder kicks in.
This was of course, a necessary development because of the increasing number of classic books that can be found online, none of which have links that take students to more interesting sites. Other books now available online include the Idiot’s Guide to the Internet, which, according to designers, has experienced a surprisingly low number of hits. Apparently anyone who needs the guide isn’t able to find it online, proving that it isn’t just book-buyers who are idiots.
Enjoy this week’s offerings.
"Posterior Automotive Safety Bar Adhesive Papyrus Reflectionary Notations" (…again….and STILL dern funny!)
40. If you can read this – I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
39. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
38. 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
37. Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
36. You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me.
35. DON’T PISS ME OFF! I’M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
34. JESUS SAVES..Then Passes it To Gretzky..He Shoots..He..Scores!
33. Jesus is coming! Look busy!
32. You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
31. Save Your Breath … You’ll need it to blow up your date!
30. Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
29. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
28. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN
27. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
26. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
25. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
24. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
23. BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
22. So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute.
21. I need someone really bad…Are you really bad?
20. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
19. All men are idiots….I married their king.
18. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
17. IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
16. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
15. Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
14. Out of my mind…Back in five minutes.
13. Hang up and drive.
12. Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
11. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
10. Where there’s a will…I want to be on it.
9. It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
8. Don’t drink and drive…You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
7. We are born naked, wet, and hungry….Then things get worse.
6. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
5. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
4. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
3. Be nice to your kids…They will pick out your nursing home.
2. Always remember you’re unique…Just like everyone else.
and the #1 bumper sticker of the week…………..
1. Honk If You Want To See My Finger