No Hyenas Were Harmed

November 5, 1999

Ever heard the one about the lawyer and the sharks? Or the one about what you call a thousand lawyers chained to the bottom of the ocean? Or the one about the lawyer who got hit by the ambulance he was chasing? The funny thing about these jokes, aside from their punchlines, is that everyone knows lawyers aren’t all bad. That’s probably why lawyers sometimes tell these jokes to each other, and even those of us who laugh at the jokes know some decent lawyers, people we hope we’ll have by us if we ever have to have a day in court. The jokes really aren’t told about these people, they’re told about the exceptions–the ones who advertise in the bathrooms of restaurants and bars. These days a lot of restaurants and bars make a little extra money by putting advertising in the bathrooms.

Amazingly, every time I go into one of these places, I see the same sign. In very small, black letters, it reads, "Don’t drive drunk." Below that, in huge red letters, is: "DUI? LET ME HELP YOU!" I could wonder why a place that serves alcohol and has no advertising for taxi companies instead gives space to a guy who helps drunk drivers wriggle out of their sentences, but instead I have to wonder why "DUI Dan" and his ilk aren’t doing something more respectable. Aren’t there enough emergency rooms for them to hang out in? Is the job market for pimps so tight that these guys can’t find a place in it? One can only wonder. In the meantime, let’s stop making jokes about lawyers, and for that matter, let’s stop dragging comparatively decent animals like ticks, hyenas, and vultures into it. They don’t deserve to be classed with "DUI Dan", who is of the species homo gluttonous.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shop keeper, "I’ll have a ‘BASIC’ monkey please".

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That’ll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in ‘BASIC’. Very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one’s even more expensive – $10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one’s a ‘C++’ monkey; it can manage ‘object- oriented’ programming, ‘Visual C++’, even some ‘Java’. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but it says it’s a ‘consultant’."

Children’s Books That Didn’t Make the Cut

  1. You Are Different and That’s Bad

  2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

  3. Dad’s New Wife Robert

  4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share

  5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

  6. The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking

  7. Kathie Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

  8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

  9. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

  10. That’s it, I’m Putting You Up for Adoption

  11. Grandpa Gets a Casket

  12. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

  13. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

  14. Strangers Have the Best Candy

  15. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

  16. You Were an Accident

  17. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

  18. Pop! Goes The Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games

  19. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan

  20. Your Nightmares Are Real

  21. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

  22. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

  23. Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

  24. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

  25. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

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