Take My Advice: You Don’t Need It

November 19, 1999

I don’t know why I started reading advice columns exactly. Maybe it was because they’re on the same page as the horoscopes. (I read the horoscopes to know exactly how my week ISN’T going to go–so far I’ve failed to have celestially scheduled spiritual insights, haven’t come into sudden wealth, and have no idea how to take a vacation from myself. But hey, maybe I’m reading the wrong horoscope.) As real advice, these columns are useless, but as entertainment, they’re pretty fun. For example, a woman who was having trouble fending off an admirer was advised to"show a little less cleavage." Where the hell did this come from? All the woman said was that she had a potential stalker, never mentioned her clothing, but somehow the keen insight of an advice columnist was able to tell from her handwriting that she dresses like a slut. What would a man with a similar problem be told to do? Stop wearing that thong out in public, regardless of whether or not you actually own one. Speaking of men, a man who felt down, listless, and unhappy with his life was told to get out more, spend some time in the sunshine, and meet new people. Manic depressives, throw your lithium away! Suffering from clinical depression? Put those sleeping pills and alcohol back in the cabinet–all you need is a trip to the beach. But for some real advice, the best thing is to switch on the radio. Just the other day I heard a"doctor" tell a woman that if she converted to her boyfriend’s religion, God would strike her dead. How the boyfriend avoided being struck dead is a mystery. How the"doctor" has avoided being struck dead is an even bigger mystery.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

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Bill Gates stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response toBills comment’s, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they paint new lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway and you would accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, while making a left turn, your car would shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would reinstall a new engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT", but you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car powered by the sun,reliable, five times as fast, but would only run on 3% of the roads.

7. The oil, alternator, and temperature warning lights would all be replaced by a single "general car fault" beep.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butts.

9. The airbag would ask "are you sure" before deploying.

10. GM would require everyone to purchase a complete set of deluxe Rand Mcnally road maps (now a division of GM), even though they neither need nor want them. TO refuse this option reduces the performance of the car by 50%.

11. Every time you buy a new car, you have to learn how to drive all over again because the controls operate nothing like the old ones.

12. You’d press "start" to shut off the car.

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"Never trust a dog to watch your food." Patrick, age 10

"When your dad is mad and asks you, ‘Do I look stupid?’ don’t answer." Hannah, 9

"Never tell your mom her diet’s not working." Michael, 14

"Stay away from prunes." Randy, 9

"Never pee on an electric fence." Robert, 13

"Don’t squat with your spurs on." Noronha, 13

"Don’t pull dad’s finger when he tells you to." Emily, 10

"When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair." Taylia,11

"Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment." Traci, 14

"Don’t sneeze in front of mom when you’re eating crackers." Mitchell,12

"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac." Andrew, 9

"Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time." Kyoyo, 9

"You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." Armir, 9

"Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." Kellie, 11

"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." Naomi, 15

"Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick." Lauren, 9

"Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat." Joel,10

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone." Alyesha, 13

"Never try to baptize a cat." Eileen, 8