Snow What?

January 1, 2000

Recently there was a vague threat of snow in the local forecast. Normally this means the grocery stores are mobbed by people who live within walking distance of the grocery store but who panic at the word "snow". Also, for some strange reason, every time there’s a threat of snow in the forecast, I have enough of those things to last, but I have to go to the grocery store anyway to get that one thing I can’t live without, like deodorant, shoelaces, or a six-pack of MacAnally’s Extra Special Stout, the beer so thick and dark light can’t escape its surface. This time, however, the grocery store wasn’t unusually crowded, and the shelves showed no signs of wild, disorganized looting. This doesn’t necessarily prove that southerners have gotten smarter about snow. It just means that the widely espoused theory that snow reports are a conspiracy engineered by the media and grocery stores has finally reached the most gullible segment of the population. (Also many people had already stocked up for another non-event, and probably figured they’d better use up one batch of emergency provisions before getting another.)

While I was desperately searching for shoelaces, though, a gentleman in a cardigan sweater came up to me and asked, in an English accent, "Excuse me, do you know where I might find the bottled water? I understand there’s a chance of snow and I want to be prepared." He must have been from Southern England. I pointed him in the direction of the bottled water, but explained that, around here, folks prepare for snow by stocking up on bread, milk, eggs, and toilet paper, and he had none of those things in his basket. "Well," he said, "I’d better get them. When in Rome one must do as the Nashvillians do." I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

Words of Wisdom

Never be afraid to try something new (or rethink something old). Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess – why can’t it get us out?

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

There is always death and taxes; however death doesn’t get worse every year.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

It’s easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.

I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Make failure your teacher, not your undertaker.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.

I don’t get even, I get odder.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I am an escapee of a political correction facility.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.

I am a nutritional overachiever

I believe in youthenasia

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Not afraid of heights – afraid of widths.

Practice safe eating-always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

If it weren’t for me, there’d just be a pile of my clothes on the floor.

I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.

Truism For Middle Aged Women: Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don’t have babies; They would put them down somewhere, and forget where they left them.

One of life’s mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn’t always bring wisdom, Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

Support: Hello, and thank you for calling the Psychic Friends Computer Support Network! How can I help you?

Customer: Hi, I tried to open up a file, but the computer says "Cannot open A:report.doc"

Support: Ah, this file is stored on a floppy disk, isn’t it?

Customer: Wow! How could you know that?

Support: I know many, many things. For instance, this file of yours, it is some sort of report that you are working on, right? In Microsoft Word?

Customer: Unbelievable! You really are psychic! Well, how can I open this file?

Support: I see a . . . I see a . . . I see a message. It is an error message. It says, "This file is corrupted, click here for more details."

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Support: Do it! You must click.

Customer: Do what?

Support: Say "Click"!!!

Customer: Click!

Support: No, double click! Double click!

Customer: Click Click! Click Click!!!

Support: Now I see another message. "In the future, do not save your only copy to a floppy disk. Save a copy on your hard drive". Ah, the vision is gone. Thank you for calling. If you stay on the line an operator will speak with you about sending your disk in for a file recovery. It is only $45 plus shipping.

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