February 25, 2000
Occasionally I find a gray hair on my head, but it never happens often enough. I know you’re probably thinking, Who really wants gray hair? Who wants hair that’ll make them look older than they really are? Well, considering that I’m nearly thirty and still get asked to show my ID whenever I buy an alcoholic beverage, I’d like to at least look my age. But the fact is I want to look old, dignified, and…eccentric. You may not realize this, but there’s a whole organization of eccentrics. They’re called Eccentrics International, and I’ve been trying to get in for years. I’m being discriminated against because of my age–in every other respect I’m a shoe-in. Here’s the latest rejection letter:
Dear Mr. Waldrop,
Thank you for you interest in Eccentrics International. At first you seemed like an excellent candidate. Members had actually spotted you skipping on your way to work, and, as interviews with friends and coworkers have revealed, many people consider you eccentric. Your opinions on religion are unusual, but too widely held to be a factor. However, your unreasonable prejudices against elks, chimney sweeps, and people from North Dakota were more than enough to compensate. Your off-color jokes (including, "My sister was a nun until she found out what ‘nun’ meant") interspersed with references to subjects ranging from quantum physics to Abbott and Costello, make you exactly the sort of individual our club looks for. We were especially interested in the fact that you dismiss horoscopes as nonsense, yet read them religiously. Unfortunately, your age precludes you from joining us, Mr. Waldrop. When someone over the age of sixty behaves as you do, he is eccentric. When someone your age behaves in a similar manner, he’s, well, a jerk. Thank you for your application. Look us up in thirty years.
Well, maybe Groucho Marx was on to something when he said, "I would never belong to any club that would have me as a member."
Enjoy this week’s offerings.
So this guy who works at an aquarium gets called in by his boss. She says, "The dolphins are behaving like they’re in a porno flick, and we’ve got a busload of kindergartners and the head of Citizens For Animal Decency on their way here. The only thing that will turn off those dolphins is baby seagulls, so I want you to run down to the beach and get some. But be careful. A lion escaped a few minutes ago, and though they hit it with a tranquilizer, it still got out." So the guy runs down the beach, gets some baby seagulls, and starts to head back. But on the way he sees the lion right in the middle of his path. It seems to be sound asleep, so he steps over it. Just then, a policeman arrests him. "Sir," the policeman says, "you can’t transport young gulls across a sedate lion for immoral porpoises!"