What’s Next–Soybeans?

February 18, 2000

The other morning on the radio I heard that scientists are currently working on a peanut vaccine. At first I thought maybe this was for a new strain of the plague that caused the lymph nodes to swell into a peanut shape, or that maybe it had something to do with the philosophical comic-strip "Peanuts" which ceased on the same day its author, Charles Schultz, passed away after nearly half a century of cartooning. (Although it should say something that in Europe existential questions were posed in the plays of Pirandello and the novels of Camus while in America they were found on the comics page of the newspaper, I still find more existential depth in two pages of "A Flying Ace Needs a Lot of Root Beer" than in all of "Being and Nothingness".) As it turned out, scientists really are working on the noble venture of vaccinating people against peanuts–the legumes. Technically they’re really working to provide a vaccine for people who are allergic to peanuts. In addition to having severe reactions to peanut oil and other peanut-derived products, people with peanut allergy also cannot fly on planes because flight attendants routinely pry passengers’ mouths open and force-feed them honey-roasted goodness. Although it’s led to many tragic accidents, this practice is necessary because only flight attendants have the high-power lasers that are the only instrument capable of opening those little bags of peanuts they give out on flights. I’m just glad that, with all the life-threatening diseases, undiscovered species lost to habitat destruction, and seemingly limitless applications of aspirin, there are scientists who can dedicate themselves to making sure a fraction of the population can safely enjoy peanut butter.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

George Carlin Quotes

  1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
  2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
  4. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where’s the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
  5. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?
  6. If a deaf/signing person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  7. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him is he still wrong?
  8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
  9. Is there another word for synonym?
  10. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
  11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
  12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
  13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
  15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
  16. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
  17. Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
  18. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  19. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  20. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
  21. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
  22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
  23. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
  24. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  25. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
  26. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
  27. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
  28. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
  29. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
  30. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
  31. Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.
  32. Men are from earth, women are from earth. Deal with it.
  33. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  34. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
  35. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
  36. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
  37. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown?
  38. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
  39. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
  40. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
  41. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

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